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    My husband and I have been together for eight years. We started dating in high school and only got married recently (just 2 months ago). Sa eight years na yun siguro three to four years in total na LDR kami. Almost every year umaalis siya for work. Hindi kami nag-kaksama for more than two years straight. We were fine, we managed. But in 2012, ako naman yung kailangang umalis. I had to stay there for at least a year. That's when everything started to fall apart and it was my fault.

    I deeply regret and I am very ashamed of what I did. I had an affair with a co-worker while I was abroad. It wasn't just an affair; it was more like a relationship. 

    I realized what I did and thought I had to break up with my boyfriend then. I told him everything and that I thought that we should break up. Of course he was devastated but he didn't want to let me go. He made me choose. He told me that he forgives me and he wants me to choose him, that he will wait for me and he would still marry me. He told me to come home so we could talk about it.

    We were each other's first real relationship. First everything (if you know what I mean). He's very handsome and charming pero never siya nang-babae. Hindi siya mahilig makipag-flirt. He tried to give me everything I wanted. We were just students back then but he would still treat me on dates and buy me gifts and never ask for anything in return. We had so much in common and I was very happy with him.

    I was so confused. 

    I wanted to choose him but cheating is unforgivable. I knew that he would never be able to trust me again. But still, I came back home. I booked a two-way ticket. I was going stay here for only a month. I was just going talk to him and end it personally. 

    He was there, waiting. 

    He told me he loves me and that whatever happens, he always will. I told him I wanted to break up, that when I leave in a month, I'll be gone forever. He disregarded that and went on as if nothing happened. He asked me to live with him and go on vacations with him, for old times’ sake.

    Deep in my heart I still love him. I just wanted to let him go because I hurt him so much. But I still really love him so I stayed with him. When the month was coming to an end and I had to leave, he begged me to stay. He told me he would forget everything and forgive me. He assured me that it will never come between us. I believed him so I missed my flight and gave it another shot.

    Two months later we found out I was eight weeks pregnant. We were blessed with an angel of our own. We decided to get married on our anniversary date which was two months since we found out. Now, we're married and I’m 24 weeks pregnant. The problem is I have to go back abroad otherwise I'll lose my residency there. My mom also suggested that I give birth there so my baby would obtain citizenship. It was a good idea and my husband agreed.

    But now every time we argue he would bring the past back. 

    He would tell me he couldn't and doesn't trust me. That he knows I will cheat again because to him that's who I am, a cheater. Even the smallest things escalate and boil down to that issue. I assured him that I would never do it again more so now that I am carrying his child but he never listens and accuses me of not understanding. I understand completely where he's coming from.

    Is it bad to assume that he forgave me when he decided to marry me? I knew from the start that he wouldn't trust me but it was he who begged me to stay. 

    Mali ba ako kung akalain kong OK na kami? Sobrang sakit lang na kahit mga maliit na bagay lumalaki dahil sa nagawa ko noon. Feeling ko wala na akong karapatang magalit sa kanya dahil may nagawa akong sobrang sama noon. Naiintindihan ko na nagaalala lang siya na baka maulit pero kailangan ba talagang maging full blown na awayan? Ano pa bang magagawa ko para mapatunayang hindi ko na gagawin yun? Pumayag siyang umalis ako at babalik naman ako agad paglabas ng baby. 

    He would use the past against me and I feel like I don't have the right to fight back. Minsan iniisip ko sana hindi na lang niya ako pinakasalan kung hindi pa siya nakakapag move on. Mali ba ako para isipin yun?

    As posted on GIRLTalk


    This story originally appeared on Femalenetwork.com.

    * Minor edits have been made by the Smartparenting.com.ph editors.    

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