In recent years, an ancient document has come to light. Written and forwarded over four hundred thousand emails ago by an unnamed desperate husband, this document has come both as a plea for help and as a Rosetta Stone in comprehending the nature of that strange and bizarre creature, the Human Male. Perhaps within these crude, Paleolithic words, some semblance of enlightenment can be gained for the benefit of all spousekind.
The Man-ifesto (Translated from Ancient Guyspeak)
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what men do. If you want sympathy, ask your girlfriends or gay guy friends for some. But if you do want a solution, you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
We are creatures of action.
That’s why men love action movies. We absolutely loathe anything with Hugh Grant and Renee Zellweger together (unless it’s of the Hayden-and-Katrina variety). That’s why men need to be dragged kicking and screaming to romantic movies. It’s like chocolate syrup and tomato sauce: they don’t mix. We understand if you don’t want to watch our latest blood-and-gore-gazillion-bullet-explosive-CGI sextravaganza or any comedy by the Will Ferrell but please, don’t force us to sit through all the tearjerkers or feel-good-hugfests.
Hubbies hate joining their wives when they meet their friends.
When girls get together with friends, they talk about stuff they’re interested in like shopping, clothes, shopping, shoes, shopping, groceries, shopping, relationships and shopping. Men’s brains are hardwired differently. We expound the virtues of twin-cam setups on our 4WDs while calculating the physics of Pacquiao’s right hook impacting on Cotto’s granite cheek, all the while spouting the wisdom of Kirk Lazarus from Tropic Thunder. Here’s a bit of advice—you ladies go off on your own, and we’ll hang with your hubbies. Capisce?
Shopping is not a sport.
It is not exercise. We do it because it must be done. We will not browse over every dress shop and kitchenware section thinking of what we need—men have an idea of what they want. The only exception is when you take us to buy video games, toys, computers, cars, firearms, hardware, sports equipment and other stuff that guys are really interested in. That’s when we’ll give them A Brief Look-See. If we want it, we’ll get it on the spot or come back when we have the dough. We won’t agonize over whether to buy it or not for hours.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. As it is, you have enough clothes and too many shoes. But we mean that in the nicest possible way, dear.
You might also want to check out these other articles on Understanding Your Husband: Understanding Your Husband: Decoding His Communication (Part 1 of 3)Understanding Your Husband: Weird Things They Do and Why (Part 3 of 3)