I know right now you don't want to hear anything but "you can go home now" from the doctors. How I wish I can be the one to finally send you home away from the four corners of this hospital room that have kept your baby away from the world for so long.
I know you're beyond exhausted and sleep deprived. Each day your heart gets broken with news of your kid's condition, your spirit crushed each time you're told you still can't go home, not yet. You are dizzy from this endless roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes you feel like you can't push further anymore.
You see your kid suffer, wailing in pain, longing to go outside and play again. It crushes you to see him this way, tubes attached all over his fragile little body. It breaks you to hear him wail in pain, call out your name each time he gets scared of the needle, of the machines, of everything in this room.You dread the sound of the machines attached to him, of the lab results they bring in, of the medicines they have to prick and push up his little veins.
You cry and cry to get the frustration out. You question your choices and blame yourself at times. You spend minutes wailing in the shower, bursting into tears in the elevator, wiping away all the tears and anguish as you pray in the chapel.
Gone were the days when you wished your family could travel, own a house, and a brand new car because at this point in your life there is nothing you want more than to see your child get better. You want nothing else but to take him home and watch him play like all the other kids his age.
Oh, how you wish you can take away his pain, crush whatever disease is plaguing him, catch it and suffer it instead so he won't have to.
If only you can lie in that hospital bed on his behalf and endure all the pricks of the needles and the probing of the doctors and machines so your baby won't have to.
I know there are times when you feel like you're so drained you want to pass out from exhaustion but by some miracle, you wake up each day with renewed spirit, and extra amounts of strength with a bright smile on your face and renewed hope that everything will be alright and your child will get better.
Know that you should never feel ashamed to reach out and ask for help. It takes a village to raise a child and right now more than ever you need your tribe's help. There are people who love you and your family who will be happy to give you a hand, a shoulder to cry on, and tons of love and support.
Know that your love as a mother will give you endless amounts of strength, hope, and resilience. Know that your child needs you so much more right now, he needs you to be strong for him, to be brave for him, to pray and believe that he will go home soon.
He needs you to hold his hand, look him in the eyes, and say, "I am here, and we will get through this together."
Loraine Balita-Centeno was a full-time faculty member of De La Salle University (Manila) where she also served as director of the Student Media Office. She gave it up to work from home, writing and editing for various publications in the Philippines and abroad, with a toddler clamped around one leg and a preschooler asking her questions every five minutes. Read more of her parenting ramblings on her blog mommyfied.ph.