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'My Husband's Energy Said He Was Available But Not to Me'
PHOTO BY Elizabeth Tsung/Unsplash
  • Dear husband who is cheating on his wife,

    I want to tell you something. I've been on the other side.

    It is the side where love ruled my heart but one that pushed what I saw and felt in the pit of my stomach. It was so painful to accept what I saw unfolding before my eyes, so I lived in denial -- it was so much easier that way. 

    It was hard to ignore, however, how my husband had changed -- the late nights, a thinning patience, and these sideways glances with a look of disdain. 

    His phone was always hidden in his pocket, switched to silent, never to see the light of day when I was around. That should have been a red flag because my husband used to ask me to play secretary and read his messages to him while he was driving 

    He also stopped taking the driver on his excursions "with the boys." The "boys" were new friends, unfamiliar, already divorced or, yes, dangerously single. 

    My husband would leave the house for four nights a week, his seat at the dinner table now always empty when the kids and I had dinner. 

    It was hard to ignore, however, how my husband had changed -- the late nights, a thinning patience, and these sideways glances with a look of disdain. 

    I knew my husband had another woman because he was out of patience for the kids as well. He wasn't attending the school plays or performances, and when he was, he was on his phone. Once, he left a family celebration to rush off to a meeting -- that never happened before. 

    He would shower and leave the house at these times in an unfamiliar scent. He was rarely reachable, and he would always say he was in an area where the phone signal "was weak." 

    He lost weight, bought new clothes, and professed his love for cars and whiskey. My husband became a person I did not know anymore. He was painfully and emotionally unavailable to me.

    Our lovemaking changed. What was once tender and sweet became rough, angry, and disconnected. I came to bed many a night, showered and dressed in little more than the scent he chose for me. But he had no desire to touch me -- it wasn't me that he wanted.

    The man I married was no longer present. He was gone somewhere infatuated with the idea of some other woman who pretended to be something that she was not. He wanted to please her, often with wads of cash. I initially couldn't understand why it seemed he was trying to impress me with money; I was already enamored with him. Of course, I realized it wasn't me he was trying to impress.  


    My husband's energy said he was available to others, just not me.

    Women paid him attention, and their energy told him they were available. It happened even when I was with him. 

    My husband oozed sex. Desire. Availability.

    When I finally came to terms with his affair, I confronted him. He initially brushed me off as "crazy," but I was no longer willing to live in denial. I would not take his lies as truth any longer. And I was right. 

    You may be surprised to know we are trying to come back from his infidelity, his betrayal of our love and commitment. We have a long road ahead of us, but we wouldn't be on the same road if he continued to deny what he was doing all along. 

    So I write this open letter to husbands who continue to betray their wives that maybe, just maybe, you will see that "deny till you die" is not the way to come back from something like this.

    Because your wife loves you. She knows what you are doing. She is probably waiting, trying to figure out how to fix the mess, to repair her family, and her marriage. 

    She only hopes that you would soon realize that she already KNOWS. Because women always KNOW...

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