'Forgive And Let Go': Rica Peralejo Explains Why Forgiveness Does Not Always Mean Reconciliation

In her first YouTube episode of Smart Parenting PopRica aired on Valentine’s Day 2022, Smart Parenting Editor-At-Large and celebrity mom Rica Peralejo Bonifacio discusses the subject of forgiveness.

“Ugh, such a big topic,” Rica reacts to one of the most delicate and difficult relationship topics to talk about.

Titled, Cheating Partner: How To Forgive, How To Let Go?, the video shows Rica tackle the meaning of forgiveness, how to forgive, and what it takes to not hold a person accountable for the pain he or she caused.

Rica begins by reading confessions posted by members of the Smart Parenting Village and the Smart Parenting web forum, Parent Chat. 

The first confession was about a mother of three whose husband wanted her to accept his ongoing relationship with a co-worker so he can come home for the ‘sake of their kids’.

Another was from a mom who hesitated to separate with a womanizing and abusive husband for the sake of their child who was diagnosed with autism.

The value of forgiveness and why it’s a ‘must’

Rica begins by validating both moms’ feelings and struggles.

“Sometimes there is no readily available advice for them,” she says.

Rica then centers on the inherent value of forgiveness, citing a biblical quote where Jesus was asked, ‘How many times does one have to forgive’ to which He replies ‘70x7 times.’

“You don’t even count [how many times you have forgiven].  You just have to forgive, because you yourself need forgiveness…. kailangan mo lang talagang magpatawad and I think there is value in that,” she points out.

She explains that forgiveness is beneficial for the victim as well, as it sets the person free from the grudge that can weigh heavily on the mind and the heart. This ultimately leads to healing.

Rica acknowledges, however, that some people are not ready to forgive, and that is okay. "If cheating has been going on for years, you cannot just expect to get over it overnight," she explains.

She shares that forgiveness takes time and patience with oneself. "Kapag hindi pa ready 'yung puso natin, hindi talaga natin magagawa 'yun. You need to allow yourself to process the feelings, ilabas lahat ng pain and galit, before you can say, 'I'm ready to move on.'"

Forgiveness means setting yourself free

Rica defines forgiveness by drawing an analogy from someone owing another person money.

“My definition, which is how I learned it best, is that forgiveness is a cancellation of debt,” she says. 

“Kunwari may isang taong may utang sayo, which is essentially ang ginagawa ng isang taong nakapanakit sayo, may nakuha siya sayo. Depende sa laki ng nakuha niya sayo at nagawa niya sayo, ganun din yung mararamdaman mong hurt or pain,” she explains.

She equates forgiveness with freedom “naniniwala talaga ako [sa forgiveness] kasi parang kapag may utang sa’yo ang isang tao, everytime makikita mo yung tao na yun... naaalala mo yung utang niya na hindi niya nabayaran so tali ka sa kanya, imprisoned ka.”

Forgiveness, she says, is a way of freeing oneself from being imprisoned by deep seated ill-feelings towards another person. 

“So forgiveness is a way out of that [imprisonment]. It’s like saying ‘I no longer want to be tied to you. I’m canceling that [bad part I remember when I see you] and ending it right now.’

Forgive and reconcile vs forgive and let go

Forgiveness can either result in reconciliation with the person being forgiven or a take off point to letting go. 

Rica says there are instances where the forgiveness is the only thing one can give and nothing more.

"A lot of people think and also advice other people na kung talagang napatawad mo na 'yan, eh kailangan mag-usap na kayo, maging okay na kayo. I don't think forgiveness looks like that," she says.

"May mga tao na gumagawa ng kamalian sa akin at hindi ko na kailangang marestore sa kanila. Hindi naman magkagalit, pero we don't have to be like chummy chummy." 

On the other hand, forgiveness can also be the start of reconciliation, she says. She was quick to point out however, this takes a lot of work from both parties. 

“I’m someone who, as much as possible, [wants to] save the marriage. There are also cases where you need to work on it. May mga bagay naman kasi na patatawarin mo, at tsaka sasabihin mo na let’s work on it so this doesn't happen again.”

Forgiveness does not equate to foolishness

Rica asks: "Makakapag-forgive ka ba sa taong hindi nag a-ask ng forgiveness?" The answer is ‘yes’ she says.

“Hindi naman yan dependent sa kanya actually. Kasi ang sinasabi mo lang naman is titigil na ako sa pagsingil sa kanya nung nakuha niya at nagawa niya sa akin,” she elaborates.

While this ‘one-way’ situation is not the most ideal, Rica says it is not always realistic to expect that the other person will say sorry back.

“You have to always look at what you can do [from your end]. When the other party is not actually doing his or her part, kailangan mo mag-focus dun sa kung anong kaya mong gawin mag-isa,” she points out.

She sums it best when she says,  “There are instances where forgiveness is the only thing you can give and nothing more. You don’t have to restore anything and [you] are better off [this way].”

Watch the full Smart Parenting PopRica vlog here:

Watch Rica Peralejo reveal lessons from her past relationships here:

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