Among many couples, spicing up affairs in the bedroom means having to turn the excitement level up. A new position, a film, a fantasy, a better body may be at the top of the mind.
While it's okay to be to do all these things, there's more to it than just pleasure and the physical.
Certified sex therapist Marty Klein, Ph.D. in his column "Sexual Intelligence" in Psychology Today says better sex don't mean any of these.
"There's nothing necessarily wrong with any of these, but if there are problems in the architecture of your relationships, self-image, communication style, or sense of entitlement, you can bet that toys, positions, and dieting won't help any of those," he argues.
What does better sex mean?
So what does better sex mean then? Well, things like privacy and a clean room can make a lot of difference in intimacy, according to Dr. Klein.
"Making sex better means being more relaxed; feeling competent; trusting your partner; focusing on feeling in your body; and arranging the bedroom logistics (temperature, cleanliness, privacy, etc.) to maximize your comfort," he writes.
With these factors in mind, Dr. Klein—who is also a book author and writer and guest for popular media such as The New York Times, The New Yorker and The Daily Show—gives these tips on how couples can actually make things better —and more intelligent—in the bedroom.
If a baby is not in the plan, use a reliable birth control
With "reliable" being the operative term. Among married and long-time couples, it's common to take the most convenient birth control route, which is often withdrawal and the hope that 'we are not fertile' yet.
Dr, Klein suggest, instead to go for and consider modern—and reliable—methods. Vasectomy is one, that is if there's a decision not to have anymore babies.
"It does not affect erection or ejaculation—it can't; it has nothing to do with your penis," Klein emphasizes. He also suggests hormonal methods that are not pills such as implants, injectables, or an IUD.
You want to try something new but the other turns it down
Talk about it, advises Dr. Klein. "Whether it's tongue-kissing in front of his parents, threesomes, one of you using a blindfold, or something else, find out if it's a total 'no thanks' until the end of time, or whether you might do it sometime, eventually."
If it's a big no, don't push it but it might be good to know why the activity is unwanted. The tricky part here is how you intend to pursue the conversation. "Don't demand justification, just ask for information," writes Dr. Klein.
"There may be other activities you can do that will get you what you want, without giving your partner what he or she doesn't want."
Kissing is more intimate than intercourse
Dr. Klein demonstrates just how intimate kissing is by asking: Have you ever kissed someone you're angry with?
The likely answer to that is certainly not which just goes to show how intimate passionate kissing is.
"It's not for 'foreplay,' it's for pleasure. It's the most intimate thing most people do in bed. Yes, more intimate than intercourse"
Don't do it if you don't want to
It's better to be honest with your partner and let him or her know that you don't want to have sex. But, it would be good to let him/her know why.
Perhaps the disappointment from yesterday's fight is not totally gone or that you are under stress from work. "You don't?owe?sex to anyone, not even a wonderful person who would be so?grateful," writes Dr. Klein.
He adds, "On the other hand, if you're ambivalent, feel free to offer conditions: "I'm really tired, so if you'll do most of the work and don't mind if I don't climax and we don't kiss a lot, sure."
Explore activities based on what you both want
In his book Sexual Intelligence, Dr. Klein tries to break most people's models of sexuality which often relates to bodies of young, healthy persons.
The reality is we all get older and our body changes and with these changes should come a shift in our model of sexuality.
"Sex isn't about what bodies do—it's about how people feel," he writes. "So do sexual things?that will make you feel the way you want to feel—close, graceful, naughty, or safe—not what you think "real sex" or "normal sex" or "cool sex" involves," he concludes.
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