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  • Having A Strong Sexual Desire For Your Partner Is A Choice (Just Like Marriage)

    Couples with strong sexual connection have two things in common.
    by Rachel Perez .
Having A Strong Sexual Desire For Your Partner Is A Choice (Just Like Marriage)
  • Many people automatically assume that when someone in a committed relationship cheats, it's because of sex. TIt's one of the reasons but it's not always the case. (Click here to find out why even people in happy relationships cheat.)

    That said, intimacy is still vital in any marriage. Understandably, after the honeymoon stage has waned and you start counting kids, having sex takes a back seat to, well, life. But like marriage — or rather, since it's a vital component of a marriage — sustaining a strong sexual connection is likewise a choice.

    Myths about couples who have a healthy sexual connection

    As a couple, there was a time you enjoyed sex and basked in the feeling of being wanted. If you and your partner are having a dry spell, you both first need to redefine your sexual intimacy goals. Sex educator Emily Nagoski, author of The Come As You Are Workbook: A Practical Guide to the Science of Sex, in a TEDTalk last May 2019, discussed what couples who have a strong sexual connection are NOT. These are:

    • Couples who have sex very often. Almost no one does.
    • Couples who have wild, adventurous sex. A study found that the best predictor of which couples will have a strong sexual desire and relationship satisfaction is how often they cuddle after sex, not the number of times they have sex per se.
    • Couples who always can't keep their hands off each other. There are two healthy ways humans experience sexual desire. First is spontaneous desire, wherein you just suddenly want to have sex out of the blue. You want and love the anticipation of sex. Second is responsive desire, or when you realize you want and enjoy sex once you are already in the act or experience pleasure — this may even be more beneficial in the long run.
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    Sustaining a strong sexual connection with your partner

    According to Nagoski, research shows that couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over multiple decades have two things in common. They may not be what you expect to hear from a sex educator, but they're certainly worth to try not just for a m ore robust sex life but also for a happier marriage. Here are the two things to can help you and your partnet have a long-term sexual desire for each other:


    1. Build a strong friendship.

    They say you have to marry your best friend to be happy because friendship is the best foundation in a marriage. A great friendship is based on strong trust. Sue Johnson, relationship researcher and therapist and developer of emotionally focused therapy, says to ask the questions, "Are you there for me? Especially are emotionally present and available for me?"

    2. Prioritize sex.

    "They decide that it matters for their relationship, that they do what it takes to find their way back to the connection," Nagoski said. In other words, choose to make time for sex despite the many excuses not to have sex. This is where responsive desire may come in handy. Make arrangements for childcare, leave the laundry that needs folding sit for a few hours more, and put sex on your calendar, if needed. Show up and allow yourself to enjoy it.

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    But what if even if you do all that, you realize that you don't enjoy being intimate with your partner anymore? Nagoski assures that it happens to even the nicees people who love each other, but may have created emotional distance between them. After all, no relationship is too perfect not to have misunderstandings or hurt feelings.


    "The difference between couples who sustain a strong sexual connection and the ones who don't is not that they don't experience these difficult hurt feelings," Nagoski stressed, "It's that they turn towards those difficult feelings with kindness and compassion so that they can set them free and find their way back to each other." (Click here to read more about how attending to your partner's emotional needs leads to better sex.)

    From her own experience, there is "nothing more romantic and sexier than being chosen as a priority because that connection matters enough," Nagoski shared. Decide that intimacy matters and do what it takes to find your way back to your emotional and sexual connection with each other.

    Watch Emily Nagoski's TEDtalk below:

    Ready for a wild idea to spice up marriage sex, click here.

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