Are We Really Raising Our Sons In A World Where People Still Say 'Men Are Babaero In Nature'?

Would you go violent on your husband or with the other woman if you find out he's having an affair?

This was the hypothetical question that The Buzz's host Boy Abunda threw to his then co-hosts Toni Gonzaga and Kris Aquino, in a 2014 video that resurfaced on Twitter recently.

Toni, who was single then, confidently said, "Kasi ako naniniwala ako na yung pangangaliwa ng lalaki ay dahil sa babae. Hindi dahil sa asawa ha, dun sa babaeng involved. Kasi kahit anong push ng lalaki pag hindi inentertain ng babae walang mangyayari."

Kris clearly pointed out, "But it's the lalaki na may commitment sa'yo. So ikaw yung na-betray."

Toni then said it, "Ang mga lalaki diba, ano sila talaga, babaero by nature."

To add fuel to the fire, on January 25, singer-actress Tippy Dos Santos expressed her disbelief at what Toni just said, "As a new asawa, all I can say is "luh

Almost a decade after, we are making a stand that our sons and daughters should not live in a world where people still believe this is the norm.

Now a wife and a mom of a six-year-old boy, we also hope that Toni has changed her mind.

Why we should stop propagating this idea

Ronna Capili Bonifacio, acting editor-in-chief of Smart Parenting who has two sons, has this to say, "I grew up hearing that, "Ganiyan talaga ang mga lalaki" and for a time I thought it was true. But now I realize that it's an excuse that can keep men from making efforts at loyalty."

She added, "It's unfair to men too because it conditions them to think that they have no power to be faithful should they choose. So if they are unfaithful, it's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's certainly not something I will raise my sons to think about themselves just because they are male. While faithfulness certainly takes work, unfaithfulness has long-term consequences."

Smart Parenting Mom and Dad Squad members and certified couple marriage coaches Love and Dreus Cosio weighed in on the issue. The authors of the book Love Connect totally debunked this myth.

"Dapat mo alagaan bago ang kapitbahay is yung bahay mo. You have to protect your fence as husband and wife."

Daddy Dreus said, "By nature, when it comes to relationship, sex, and temptation, mabilis ang lalaki mag-express kasi visual ang lalaki. So when they see girls, tingin sila kaagad kaya iniisip na babaero. But babaero is different from seeing, looking versus doing with bad intentions and lust."

"Now, women are more emotional, so if lahat ng babae is suddenly connected emotionally sa mga lalaki, pwede mo sabihing lalakero ang babae," he said.

Mommy Love meanwhile explained why some people still hold this as their truth, "Men are created to be builders of a family and society. It's just that meron tayong misconception because the world depicted men through social media and movies, na, eto, weak 'to pagdating sa temptation, ito magiging fall ng isang lalaki."

"If a man owns [up to] being a cheater, then so be it. Pero if he owns up to be a builder and provider, then he is not babaero," she added.

We don't have to look far, if, in our own families, we have loving, loyal, and caring fathers and grandfathers, then the belief that "men are by nature babaero" should never see the light of day.

READ ALSO: 'Anything Hidden Is Forbidden': Helpful Ways To Build Security In Marriage

'Carefront,' don't confront

When it comes to getting violent and confronting the husband or the third party, the Cosios shared that from their interviews with women with cheating partners, confrontation happens when emotions get in the way of integrity and faithfulness.

"If a man owns [up to] being a cheater, then so be it. Pero if he owns up to be a builder and provider, then he is not babaero."

While we may never know what our reactions are when it happens to us, at the end of the day, the Cosios reminded to "carefront," and not confront, our spouses.

"Dapat mo alagaan bago ang kapitbahay is yung bahay mo. You have to protect your fence as husband and wife. Kayong dalawa yung may commitment bago dumating yung temptation," said Mommy Love.

At the Smart Parenting Village, where parents are free to share even their marriage struggles, an anonymous mom asked for help on how she can overcome her feeling of insecurity with their helper whom her husband is fond of teasing.

"Sa lahat ng naging kasama namin sa bahay, ito ang pinakamaganda at isa sa talagang madalas niya biruin. Iba pakiramdam ko, selos or pride ba yun? Nung isang araw, while talking about the medicine of our daughter, imbes na pangalan ng anak namin, nasabi niya pangalan ng kasambahay namin. Kinausap ko siya tungkol sa mga 'to. Wala raw yun."

Her husband even said this to assure her, "Ano naman daw iisipin sa kanya ng pamilya niya at pamilya ko kung papatol sa katulong," which is, for us, another red flag. Helpers are unsung heroes, nothing else.

"Nagagandahan lang or maseseksihan pa din ako sa ibang tao, pero hanggang doon lang."

While some parents advised that she should evict the helper to protect their marriage, the mom said she cannot afford to let go of her because she and her husband are both working. 

One mom said, "Mister mo ang red flag. It's not the yaya's fault but your husband's treatment towards her." 

"Kung asawa ko yan, ipapa-realize ko talaga consequence ng actions nya kung maisipan nya mag-landi. Malaki na tayo, alam na natin ang tama at mali. Eventually, dapat siya ang makaisip na i-let go na yung yaya para sa peace of mind ng buong family."

Being a babaero is a choice

A mom of one and a member of the Smart Parenting Village, Mommy Camille Arceo Ta-ay said, "Mas naniniwala ako na pwedeng maging babaero ang lalaki "by choice" because there will be reasons why naghahanap ang isang tao ng ibang source of happiness."

"Tao lang tayo nagkakamali, vulnerable (marupok ika nga) - so kung sino yung nandiyan lagi, possible siyang ma-fall sa taong yun. There's also discontenment, hindi na masaya like everything's just a routine, so maghahanap ng adventure. And many more reasons why."

READ ALSO: Why Our Partners Cheat: Ano Nga Ba Ang Mas Malalim Na Dahilan?

Meanwhile, Daday Chester, another Smart Parenting Village dad who has been married for five years, admits that he still appreciate other women's beauty, but not to the point that he will make an effort to get close to them. 

"Nung hindi pa ako married, nasanay ako mag-"auto-like" ng mga photos ng celebrities na maganda or sexy na dumadaan sa newsfeed ko. But nung kinasal na ako, and my wife told me na hindi siya okay with that, I made a conscious effort na baguhin yun," he said.

If there's anything that he upholds as his truth, it's that you have to treat your wife with the utmost respect.

"Ask help from people like marriage coaches or people who want to see you both win."

"Also nung nagka-pamilya na ako, lagi ko na lang iniisip yung welfare ng family ko, at hindi worth it na masira ang family ko dahil lang sa physical attraction sa iba. So nagagandahan lang or maseseksihan pa din ako sa ibang tao, pero hanggang doon lang."

He adds, "And nako, pray lagi. Kasi yang mga thoughts na yan ay nagagamit din ng demonyo para makasira ng pamilya."

READ ALSO: After The Affair: Okay Lang Bang Magbigay Ng Second Chance?

Normalize asking for help

If you are getting through this right now, Mommy Love reminds, "You can seek help kung kailangan niyo talaga ng help, kung hindi ninyo maresolve dalawa. You can ask help from people like marriage coaches or people who want to see you both win, para hindi naman masira not just the relationship, but you as an individual. 

She adds, "Kasi pag nasira na yung trust nasisira rin minsan yung tingin mo sa sarili mo."

In the book Affairs Don’t Just Happen: Protect – Repair – Recover by certified counseling psychologist Lissy Ann Abella-Puno, she shared eight ways to affair-proof your marriage. 

Among these are communicating regularly, and staying committed - reaffirm your decision to love during moments of “falling out of love.” Read the others here.

You can also join a support group like the Smart Parenting Village, where you can listen to different perspectives, and share your thoughts as well.

Keeping this in mind, we can do a lot in raising a new breed of boys and girls who are breaking the bias. As early as now, I am teaching my three-year-old daughter to respect every person, regardless of their gender. That we should rid them of any biases because every person is unique and we don't know their story.

Read how a mom raises her son to be respectful to all genders, by letting him play with dolls, among other things, here.

Listen to Daddy Dreus and Mommy Love's podcast for more of their insights on this topic, here.

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