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  • 'Masama Ba Akong Anak? Mas Malapit Ang Loob Ko Kay Mother-In-Law Than My Own Mom.'

    'I want to understand why I feel this way towards my own mom,' a mom shares.
    by Judy Santiago Aladin .
'Masama Ba Akong Anak? Mas Malapit Ang Loob Ko Kay Mother-In-Law Than My Own Mom.'
PHOTO BY SHUTTERSTOCK
  • While we have received a good mix of sweet and horrifying stories from moms about their mother-in-law or MIL, this anonymous mom from the Smart Parenting Village has her own story to tell. 

    According to this mom who shared a long post on SPV to express her current ordeal, she feels closer and relates better to her mother-in-law than her own mom.

    “When I was young lagi sinasabi ng mother ko "kapag may anak ka na maiintindihan mo na ko" at "kapag may anak ka na malalaman mo na hindi madali maging nanay." 
    Totoo naman, hindi talaga madali.

    Pero nung nagka-anak na din ako I feel like mas hindi ko siya gets, mas nakakarelate ako sa MIL ko, is it because yung MIL ko is working mom din like me and same age kami nung nag-asawa and nagka-anak? Same din na boy ang anak and my mom never experienced taking care of a baby boy.”

    She explains, she is civil with her mom, but they are not really close. She says her mom was only 18 when she was born, and never experienced working while taking care of a child. So she says she can’t help but feel bad every time her mom picks on her parenting style.

    “Buntis pa lang ako and I was buying breastfeeding essentials, kontra na siya kasi wala daw syang milk so probably ako din daw baka walang milk, pero go parin ako kasi gusto ko talaga, when my son was born, gusto ko i-skin to skin siya, giginawin daw ang baby,” she recounts.

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    She then goes on telling the good things that her MIL does for her. “Sometimes naguiguilty ako kasi mas gusto ko pa maiwan si LO kay MIL kasi tyinatyaga niya talaga padedehin si LO ng thawed na breastmilk, never niya kami pinagmadali and never ko na feel na abala ang anak ko sa kanya.

    Kapag kasama namin si MIL lagi niya sinasabing magpahinga daw kaming mag-asawa, sa kanya muna si LO, bumawi kami ng tulog, maganda yung milk ko kay baby.”

    “My MIL gives me the feeling na enough ako as a mom kahit working mom ako at hindi 100% ang attention na nabibigay ko sa family ko. Ito yung hinahanap ko sa mother ko, pag hahanap ba ng validation ba ang tawag dito?

    She ends her post saying she feels guilty and she wants to understand why she feels this way towards her mom.

    The Village was quick to give her the validation that she needs and that she is not alone, and even gave her tips.

    Tips to deal with your mom who seems unsupportive about your parenting style

    1. Talk to your mom.

    Maye Calpo assured her that her feelings are valid, but the best way to understand where her mom is coming from is by talking to her. “Ask questions. Be honest and let her know what are your thoughts about her.”

    Ellie DC agreed with this, and she says she can relate. “But I realized, mothers are naturally protective and emotional and sometimes they just couldn't get a hold of how they would express themselves. I do too. So much better that you talk to her and listen.”

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    Mommy Vian suggests to have a heart-to-heart talk with her mom. “Sabihin mo kanya lahat-lahat in a calm way, but pray first before you do that for both of you to have wisdom and calm heart.”

    June Marylyn Abon feels the same, “Kausapin mo din si Mother mo, baka ikaw lang din inaantay nya mag open up ka sa kanya.”

    2. Step up and assure your mom that you will be okay.

    A mom shares, she had the same experience when she had a newborn. “Nung infant pa ang anak ko palagi kami nagaaway ng mother ko kasi formula advocate siya and my MIL is breastfeeding advocate.”

    “I had to step up and remind my own mother na yes, naranasan niya na magka-anak so let me have my own motherhood journey and do it on my own,” she adds.

    “Don't worry, as time goes by, your mother will see naman yun. My mother stepped back and let me have my own way of raising my child.”

    A mom adds, it’s okay to care for her child the way she wants it, even if her mom doesn’t support her through and through. “Information is key, pwede mo sya isama sa pedia para marinig nia ang feedback ng pedia sa breastfeeding journey mo.

    Minsan kasi our moms see us as still their babies, kahit full grown adult na tayo or may sarili na tayong baby. Atleast, expert ang maririnig nia, walang subjective opinions, kundi clinically objective points. Baka mas makita nia kung ano pinanggagalingan mo.”

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    She also validates the anonymous mom that her feelins toward her MIL are totally okay. “God blessed you with a very supportive MIL, nothing to feel guilty about.”

    3. Respect begets respect.

    One mom shares, she also has the same feelings towards her mom. “Kung saan ka komportable, dun ka. Respect each of their ways, don’t oppose openly to avoid friction. Basta gawin mo yung tama para sa pamilya mo.”

    Alyza Monica says what’s important is that the anonymous mom is aware of her feelings. “Since ikaw yung mas may malawak na understanding, intindihin na lang natin. Someday it's gonna make sense. Basta wag magbabago yung pakikitungo mo sa kanya.”

    4. Understand their love language

    “Let's just understand that each person has a different love language and are unique,” Janette Labayani pointed out. "You're lucky to have your mother-in-law as much as your mom. You will understand her when the right time comes," she said.

    The 5 Love Languages

    Dr. Gary Chapman, a Christian counselor and author of The Five Love Languages wrote about different ways we can express love thru 5 types of love languages. “The premise is quite simple: different people with different personalities give and receive love in different ways. By learning to recognize these preferences in yourself and in your loved ones, you can learn to identify the root of your conflicts, connect more profoundly, and truly begin to grow closer.”

    Love Language 1 - Words of Affirmation

    People who have this love language would like to be complemented and receive praises for the work they have done. Tell your mom that you hear her, and that you understand that she is only after the welfare of you and your child.

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    Love Language 2 – Quality Time

    Those who have this love language appreciate it more when you make time for them and you are truly present in those moments. 

    Maybe your mom wants to spend more time with you and not just your baby, so why not schedule a visit to their house this weekend?

    Love Language 3 – Giving Gifts

    For some people, receiving gifts make them feel loved. They also like giving gifts to show that they care. 

    It doesn't have to be a grand gesture, just a thoughtful gift is enough if this is her love language. Give your mom something that she has been mentioning to you that she needs but you keep forgetting.

    Love Language 4 – Acts of Service

    If your mom has this love language, doing an errand for them or helping them out in chores make them feel that you love them.

    Love Language 5 - Physical Touch

    When was the last time you gave your mom a hug? For people with this love language, nothing beats a big hug or a pat in the back to make them feel loved.

    How's your relationship with your mom? Read here stories of moms who wished their moms are still around.

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