Therapist Shares How To Make Married Sex Feel Great AgainHow do you maintain the "spark" when you're not even in the mood for it?by Kitty Elicay .
The moment you have kids, your sex life transitions into “parent sex” — where you have to sneak around to do the deed and finish in record time.
“You know what parent sex is, it’s that 3.5 minutes you get between changing nappies and making food, where you notice that all of your kids are pretty distracted, where you realize it’s been almost a month since you banged and are starting to feel like flat mates,” describes Australian blogger Constance Hall.
And you know what, consider yourself lucky if you experience it. Most of the time, parent sex doesn’t even happen at all!
Feeling a decrease in sexual desire is more common than you think, especially for new moms who are hands on with their babies and for those who have just given birth. Keeping intimacy alive in relationships is vital, but how do you maintain the “spark,” when you’re not in the mood and you don’t find it interesting anymore?
The key is to create desire, says Buddhist sex therapist Cheryl Fraser, Ph.D. “Even though you are not in the mood, you choose to be open to exploring,” she writes in her article for The Gottman Institute.
Fraser says that couples in long-term relationships often lose ‘spontaneous desire’ — that “I can’t wait to rip your clothes off” feeling — over time.
“I want you to think of spontaneous desire as a teenager who spontaneously offers to clean the garage for you. It’s rare, it’s wonderful, and when it happens, I want you to enjoy the heck of it. But you definitely shouldn’t count on it,” she says.
If that feeling wanes, all is not lost. Instead of spontaneous desire, you can move on to “responsive” desire. “You mindfully create desire by taking action,” Fraser writes.
For example, when you wake up in the morning, your first thought is to check on the kids or make breakfast. Hubby, on the other hand, is thinking of taking a shower. Neither of you think about making love, but you can activate responsive desire with just a few words.
“Hey, want to hop inside the shower with me?”
Words help turn your partner on, but you can take it further with physical affection. Cuddle or give each other a soft kiss. Nibble on his neck or get busy with your hands. “As you play, your body and mind begin to pay attention and respond,” Fraser writes.
“Don’t wait for passion. Instead, choose to become passion,” she adds.
“Huwag na huwag papatayin ang sex life!” shares mom Chenilyn Habitan. “Sa amin hindi mawawala ang intimacy. Marami pa kaming nadidiscover sa isa’t isa.”
And it’s not always the men who should initiate lovemaking. “[Tayong] mga wife should learn how to start the fire, ‘di yung parating sihubby lang kumakalabit,” advises mom Tintin Montaos.
Fraser reminds that just because you no longer feel spontaneous desire doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. Nor does it mean that your partner is inadequate.
If married sex starts feeling like a chore, you should open yourself up to exploring other ways to make it exciting again. “Now that you understand responsive desire, you can choose to make your sexual life intentional and focus on this second type of erotic appetizer,” Fraser says.
Don’t be afraid to speak up and tell your partner what turns you on and what’s pleasurable for you. Remember, when it comes to married sex, the goal is always to make both husband and wife happy (and satisfied!).
How do you sneak in sexy time when the kids are always around? A sex therapist shares her tips here.
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