What Being Trapped In A Marriage That Doesn't Work Feels Like: 'It Made Me So Numb'

Ben Affleck recently made headlines for statements on his failed marriage to his fellow Hollywood star Jennifer Garner. They have three children: Violet, 16; Seraphina, 12; and Samuel, 9.

The actor, who’s played Batman in several movies, said in an interview with talk show host Howard Stern that he’d “probably still be drinking” if he had stayed married “because I was trapped.”

He recalled thinking, “I was, like, I can’t leave ’cause of my kids, but I’m not happy. What do I do?’” Then he added, “What I did was drink a bottle of scotch and fall asleep on the couch, which turned out not to be the solution.”

Ben has been known to check into rehab multiple times for alcohol addiction before marrying Jennifer in 2005 and after separating in 2015. They finalized their divorce in 2018.

Some moms feel trapped, too

Being trapped in a bad or unhappy marriage is among the marital problems commonly shared by members, mostly moms, in our parenting community, Smart Parenting Village.

"It makes me wonder what happened to us?" wrote one member, not without a hint of regret. "I know I am such a failure, pansin ko 'yun. Parang bumaligtad ang mundo ko...My husband had also a fair share of failures in our marriage and as a father. Pero ako pilit kong inintindi lahat pero bakit siya?

"He keeps on blaming me for being useless when he feel bad about his life or if something bad happens to him. He hurt me a lot. A lot. A hundred times that it made me so numb that I woke up one day hindi ko na siya mahal."

Another member wrote about her emotionally distant husband: "Kinausap ko na s'ya about dito, at everytime na magu-usap kami ang ending lagi kaming naga-away, kahit ga'no kahinahon pa 'yung approach ko dun pa din ang ending."

She added, "Hindi na kami nagkakapag-usap, nakakapagkwentuhan, kasi kahit kumakain nagce-cellphone s'ya. Pag sinita, nagagalit, nagta-trabaho daw s'ya. Nafi-feel ko tuloy, ayaw mo ba kami kasama? Ayaw mo ba kaming kausap?

"Parang ako lang 'yung naging ready na magkapamilya kami, parang s'ya hindi pa. Sobrang bigat sa dibdib na ganyan na 'yung nararamdaman ko, na sana hindi nararamdaman ng anak ko. Hindi ko alam kung OA ako sa nararamdaman ko. But I feel exhausted."

Another mommy member lamented: "Stress po ako sa asawa ko. Ang  stress na 'yun ay nasa loob ng  bahay at kasama ko sa buhay. Wala po akong problema sa bisyo, pangbabae dahil hindi s'ya gano'n. Online games, hindi na rin. Ang stress ko po sa kanya, manipulative. Lahat ng actions ko may nasasabi s'yang negative."

Is divorce the solution?

Unlike Ben, who chose divorce to end "a marriage that didn't work," spouses in the same boat in the Philippines don't have that choice yet. Currently, the options are mainly legal separation and annulment. Divorce remains a bill awaiting to be passed into law, making us the only country in the world where it's not allowed. 

Supporters of the divorce bill say it's about time, as one Smart Parenting Village member puts it: “Good marriages don’t end in divorce — bad marriages do. The future generation will have more options and will not feel trapped in a bad, abusive marriage because society told them there’s no way out. That’s a win for me.”

Others are skeptical, though, saying they're "pro-marriage" and suggest instead "palawigin ang annulment," "encourage marriage counseling," or "address the root cause."

Read here for answers to frequently asked question on the divorce bill.

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