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Life => Love and Relationships => Other Relationships => Topic started by: moonlight mom on November 21, 2012, 11:45:13 am

Title: How to deal with "competitive" relatives
Post by: moonlight mom on November 21, 2012, 11:45:13 am
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Hi moms!

I have a cousin who has a daughter the same age as my daughter (well, actually, my daughter is older by months). But, she has this ugali to brag about her daughter's developments and milestones in social sites -- and some of those, hindi pa nagagawa ng daughter ko.  :( I feel irritated about this, because knowing her, she's really mayabang and I fear that she's comparing her daughter's developments with mine. And since she openly shares this in social sites, I fear that my parents/ inlaws would also compare my daughter with hers. So as a mom, I feel the pressure of teaching my daughter of things she doesn't know, plus of course, I feel the guilt that I'm not really alloting enough time to teach her (I'm a working mom, and I usu. go home late. It's really weekends when I get to really bond and teach my daughter). But it's not that I'm disappointed with my daughter's development, actually, she normally surprises me and my husband of her new "stuff" (nagpapasiklab so to speak), and these are stuff na hindi namin tinuro sa kanya. Lately, she can spell her name already, and write it also!

Please advise moms, lately this has been bothering me!


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Title: Re: How to deal with "competitive" relatives
Post by: KVsmommy on November 21, 2012, 12:34:31 pm
moonlight mom: hi sis! I guess that's the bane that social networking sites have brought upon us - a closer look at another person's life - a good thing and a bad thing sometimes. :) In my opinion sis, the best way to deal with it is to NOT look at what the other person is doing, but instead, by looking at what YOUR actions/reactions and thoughts are.

Ganyan ako nung umpisa (ganun pa din sometimes), comparing my baby's weight, height, and abilities with that of other kids na ka-age niya. She's now 3.5 years old. If there's something she can't do that others can, nalulungkot ako - nachachallenge ako. And I end up 'pressuring' her to be able to do it (never a good thing).  If she can't, iniisip ko pa na maybe something's wrong with her. Extreme di ba? Akala ko din noon, hindi pala, it's normal for a mom to think and act that way. :-) Hindi mo din maiwasan eh, siempre your child is a part of who you are na, so you can't help but feel 'competitive'. You want her to be the best she can be. (Think Janice De Belen to Margaux. Hihi).

So first thing to do is to address the fact that you have expectations from your child, and that what you're feeling is perfectly natural. It's really what you do about it that matters later on though. :)

Next, take a step back, and really look at your child's development from an objective point of view. Check mo din sa internet what kids her age are NORMALLY able to do na, based on studies. Most of the time makikita mo naman na your kid's on track when it comes to development. Tendency kasi isipin mo hindi, kapag sa ibang bata around you mo sya compare. :) Pero pag based on scientific studies, ok naman. Like with my daughter when she was a baby, di kasi sya tabain. So when people say their kid is this weight and that weight na, nagwoworry ako kasi parang ang gaan ng baby ko. Pero when I check naman normal weight range for her age, she's always within the average measurements naman - in short, she's perfectly fine. :) Sa development naman, yung talking especially, may sariling pacing ang bata dyan. At depende din sa environment she's around in. May levels naman, just check if your kid is within that, and for sure, he/she is all good. :) Di ba, like the way your child surprises you with her new developments? That's the natural pace of things... that's God working His way through your child's life, and gradually letting your child's being unfold in His own perfect time.

Tapos, when it comes to allotting time for your child - conscious effort lang din talaga. I'm a work from home mom, and although I enjoy the perks of being at home - I also bear the extra pressure of being superb at both being a working mom and stay at home mom. In short nakakaloka. :) In your case sis, if after work and weekends lang ang time mo, make every moment count na lang. Make sure that you dedicate a portion of your time to bond and teach your kid. :) Don't feel guilty though, since yan ang reality of life naman ngayon. Parents have to work doubly hard dahil mahirap ang buhay. And come to think of it, my mom has been a working mom ever since we were babies (up to now ha, may apo na sya. workaholic lang.hehe), but me and my brothers, we're all awesome naman. hehe. We are well-loved, and are doing good in our fields of work. :)

Lastly, anytime you feel 'pressured' or you start to 'compare', close your eyes, and picture your child being her usual amazing self. :) They're all amazing in their own magnificent ways sis, we just have to really remember that every time we feel na may mas 'magaling' at mas 'marunong' sa kanila. Don't think about what she can't do, but think of what she CAN do. :)

And if you feel na yinayabangan ka ng cousin mo (di mo din maiwasan yan, maraming ganyan talaga sa social networking sites.hehe), just feel happy for her and her kid's developments. She's perhaps, just another proud mom. And, be super thankful pa din na you have the BEST daughter that God can give you. :)

Pasensya sis sa super habang reply. Hehe. I felt teary eyed at some points of this response, emotional lang. :D
Hope this helps.
Title: Re: How to deal with "competitive" relatives
Post by: moonlight mom on November 21, 2012, 01:49:43 pm
Thanks so much KV's mom!

Yes, you're right. Thanks for helping me go back to my senses and realize that my child is perfectly on track. I know naman that my daughter is, but sometimes, minding other kids' development shadows the thought of where your child is right now-- like what she can do, how she paces, etc.

Sometimes, nagui-guilty din ako kasi my husband is just (plainly) very proud of our daughter. Like he's very amazed of the things she can do, not minding other kids. As in he's really focused on our daughter's abilities. Minsan nga nasabi niya "Mommy, let's not forget that our child is (just) 2 years old". Maybe he thought I'm going overboard na.  :P

Of course I don't mind your long response! I also got teary eyed on some parts of your message. On instances when I feel pressured again in the future, aside from closing my eyes and think of how amazing my daughter is, I'll re-read you reply. It'd really help! And yes, I know that Janice-Margaux teleserye. What a scary mom! Haha!

Title: Re: How to deal with "competitive" relatives
Post by: KVsmommy on November 22, 2012, 12:57:55 am
Alam mo sis, ganyang-ganyan din si hubby sa kin. :) Yan ang 'wake-up-call' niya sa kin palagi pag paranoid mode ako about our daughter's development. hehe.  Sabi pa nga niya sa kin, masyado daw ako perfectionist, he always tells me to let my kid be a kid...At wag daw akong maging Janice de Belen. hehe. 

Thanks sis for posting about this, para ko ding kinausap ang paranoid self ko kanina when I was writing the reply. It was an enlightening experience din for me. :)

Title: Re: How to deal with "competitive" relatives
Post by: leegirl on November 22, 2012, 10:29:27 pm
Ganyan din yung Tita ko sa apo niya, laging binibida yung apo niya na yun na bibo. Yung iba tuloy nyang apo naoover shadow.  ::) Kaya since stay at home mom naman ako tinuturuan ko din si baby. Wag mo na lang pansinin mommy, talagang nakakainis yung ganyan. Basta pag kasama namin sila kami ng boyfriend ko nakatutok sa anak namin.

Mommy ilang taon na ba anak mo? panoorin mo po sya ng mga baby videos like Your baby can read by doctor titzer.
Title: Re: How to deal with "competitive" relatives
Post by: mrs_mv on November 23, 2012, 12:06:09 am
Hi there! Mom here of a 21 month old baby who still speaks gibberish (just like the language used in SIMS :) ) But I don't really care! It's not that I dont really care but I'm confident that in time he will also learn that. I'm not pressured if others can speak while my son still can't.

I'm a teacher by profession but SAHM ako ngayon. Ang mga nag-pre-pressure pa sa akin at sa anak ko ay lolo at lola niya and other relatives. Bakit teacher daw ako pero hindi ko maturuan ang anak ko?! I just smile, ignore and move on. Ayon sa pagkakaintindi ko at paniniwala ko sa child psychology na napag-aralan ko ng college, innate sa bata ang matutong gumapang, lumakad, umupo at kahit magsalita :) given the good environment and walang problem sa senses at physiological etc. Naisip nyo ba mga mommies kung sino nagturo sa baby natin na tumagilid at dumapa. Did you tell her to do that? Diba isang araw nakita nyo na lang na ginagawa niya yun. It's not just a reflex pero innate behavior na kailangan niya magawa yun prior to other motor skills.

I also believe that every child is different. And we, moms, know them better :) sa dami ng students na na-encounter ko, my son is not the type who learns from "spoon feeding" type of learning. At this early stage, nalaman ko na yun. Unlike other kids who will follow like when you say "mama" they will follow. My son is not but one day he just called me "M" later on "Ma'm" and sometimes my nickname. I'm still amazed how he grasps those words the mere fact we don't have " formal" teaching.

So chillax lang moms. Matatalino na mga bata ngayon. Wag i-pressure for the sake of competition.
Title: Re: How to deal with "competitive" relatives
Post by: KVsmommy on November 23, 2012, 01:23:21 am
super agree mommy mrs_mv, thanks for that. :)
Title: Re: How to deal with "competitive" relatives
Post by: moonlight mom on November 23, 2012, 09:12:21 am
Wow, thanks mommies!

My daughter is 2 y.o. Actually, I "teach" my child mainly through media-- videos, except for weekends when we are in a classroom mode, hehe. And, in fairness, she can easily grasp things from videos. Naglagay nga ako dun ng video ng Summer Nights (Glee version), which she can sing now; and Frosty the Snowman, na sinasabayan niya some of the lines hehe!

I also have a friend (bestfriend, actually) who's a psychologist, and sabi din niya wag ipressure ang kids to learn. Actually, she doesnt advocate early schooling for toddlers, as in super perfect timing daw 4 y.o. (but that's besides the point).

Malapit nanaman nga ang Christmas, I came to a point when I thought of teaching my child a Christmas carol, para lang may panapat siya sa pinsan ko. Haha! But now I learned... :-D

Super thanks mommies!

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