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Messages - sopas

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hi, pwede ba makisali? i am feeling a lot better today than the past 3 days. i have started a journal now lang. i thought i was ok until 4 days ago, when nagkasabay sabay ang masama pakiramdam ko (headache, sipon), gutom, pagod, init, at eventually galit sa hubby.

i was lucky enough to have online friends na went thru the same me since pregnancy. we were pretty close and at this time nandito na kami sa stage na birthday parties ng mga bata. we have an ongoing chat for more than 6 months na and we talked about anything under the sun. marami kami more than 10 people there in the chat. 4 days ago, i ranted what i have been going thru and no one responded for i dont know, almost an hour. at the same time nag aaway na kaming mag asawa, and i was looking forward to read something fromthe chat man lang but none. i saw some seeing my message but no one replied. my hubby and i had a misunderstanding and sobra hurt ako. then seeing no one replied i said in the group chat. "wow. what a support group. thanks for not replying on my rant" then i left the conversation.

my misunderstanding with my husband lasted for more than 2 hours and even though he was apologising na i still cant control my feelings. i am so hungry , devastated that we haven't had a decent picture on my baby's 11th month because of our fight. then on my mind pa i was guilty and sad halo halo na when i left the chat. there were several people fromt hat chat who managed to send me private messages and apologised for not replying. when i gathered enough strength to sit up and stop crying i replied to them na "it's ok i understand that it is not your obligation to comfort me" one person replied accordingly, one didnt, and the last one blasted me out more questions and challenge like if i really understand daw i should have not leave and she felt offended kasi nag sorry na daw sya and isipin ko daw iba mas may mabigat pa prob sa kanya. then in aminute she said kung gusto mo ikaw bumalik sa chat ako na aalis. i accidentally pressed the part to view her profile and i saw in that instant she unfriended me. i said to her "that was fast. i saw you unfriended me" then she said afterwards i unfriend na niya lahat daw and she is leaving the chat. i just replied "ok if that is your decision"

during that time sobrang kabog na dibdib ko di ko na maintindihan bakit kailangan pa niya makisabay. nagkaayos na kami ng asawa ko in a while at kumain na rin ako gutom na gutom na ko nagpapabreastfeed pa ko and not feeling well.

well that last act by a supposed friend, the unfriending part, it took a toll on me. i really dont get it until yesterday one of the people part of the chat gave me an advice na not all are real friends. most chatters kasi in the chat ang message nila is magkakaayos din kayo, magiging maayos ka. para bang lahat ako may kasalanan. nag apologise na ko sa kanila. kasi narealise ko naman yung mali sa action ko. pero yung mag unfriend, parang ang hirap naman nun. di ko alam kung tama ba i add ko sya uli. i asked her in private message why did she unfriended me and wala sya reply. one common friend said na she did it daw to make way for me. hello? how can she make way when i already get out of the way before her exit? and i already told her na it is not about her. i cant fathom why she thought that way. i even do the part to ask her directly and still no reply. i have been crying for days since that happen kasi di ko matanggap why she did it. no we are not super duper close but i consider everyone in that chat as a friend. however the eyeopener advice na "not all are real friends" may be the best answer to this.

in a way, masama rin loob ko kasi i felt like they all thought i was the only problem. like i am the problem. makes me think to be more depressed actually. most advice that i seek medical help for that one blow. i thought they knew me better after pouring out almost all of my personal life.

now i am lost in cyberspace. as a sahm, with no much mommy friends around, a first time mome whose only consolation is going thru online,  my online world is limited. i can discount the fact that it hurts me seeing that person unfriending me all over my other friends' page and even posing a status publicly within this time "how lucky she is to found mommy friends" i dont really want to think she is doing this on purpose but looks like it is.

lesson learned for me is not to pour everything without leaving for yourself. im glad some member of the chat showed me a professional or maayos na disposition sa private messages but it left me doubtness now who amongst them are really my friends. maybe time to go back to my real friends - the one really tangible and have known me for decades.

sorry sa nobela, this is my way of letting it out. i hope in time i will have peace and even to that person too. maybe it is good riddance after all.

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