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Author Topic: Why husband and wife miscommunicate  (Read 11573 times)

J0

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Why husband and wife miscommunicate
« on: July 30, 2010, 02:36:23 pm »

Magkaiba ang pinanggagalingan naming mga lalaki sa inyong mga babae.  Ako, ngayon lang nagme-mellow down.  Barumbado ako at madalas noon hindi maintindihan ng wife ko.

Bakit ba, saan ba nanggagaling ang pagkainis namin at init ng ulo?

Ako, hindi ko rin maintindihan madalas sarili ko...basta pag may nasabi na ang misis ko na hindi ko nagustuhan, nagagalit na ako.  Minsan magtataas ako ng boses. Ibig sabihin non, "na-offend ako, drop the topic now!"

According to the book "You Just Don't Understand" by Debra Tannen, ang pinaka importante sa aming mga lalaki ay heirarchy at autonomy or independence.  Sa inyong mga babae, ang pinakaimportante daw ay relationship.  Dito tayo nag-aaway.  Iba pinanggagalingan namin, iba pinanggagalingan ninyo.

We guys get ticked off when we think that there is the slightest threat to our autonomy, you women get pissed off when it appears that your relationship has been compromised.

Pag medyo hindi ko nagustuhan ang tono ng boses ng misis ko, naiinis ako. 

Paiikliin ko na lang ito ha at babalik na ako sa work ko hehe. 

Paano tayo magkakasundo? 

- Maging conscious sa mga "pinanggagalingan" na ito
- Baguhin ang strategy, disassociate
- Mag conditioning muna bago magcommunicate

According sa isang seminar workshop ko on "peaceable workplace" kailangan do something muna to get into the mood...para hindi expected ang plan to communicate at maging defensive agad.

Naaassociate kasi ang pag-uusap sa problema.  Kaming mga lalaki, ayaw ng namin ng mahabang usapan.  Madalas ayaw naming mag-usap tungkol sa problema.

So do something muna, like change the ambiance.  Be creative na lang, halimbawa, play soothing music.  Yun bang akala naming guys ay love mode hehe.  Then start soft and calm with the communication.

For a long term solution to a communication problem.  Magset ng time and madalas na communication.  Hindi yung kung kelan lang me problema.

I think kaming mga lalaki ay parang dogs hehe, you women can teach us tricks.  What I mean is, involve us and make us feel na parang very much needed ang aming involvement...careful not to sound na parang nag-uutos.  Madali, actually, makuha ang aming doggie loyalty hehe.

Very receptive naman kami (di nyo lang alam) when we are appreciated.  We can be your very best friend (parang dog nga, hehe).   Use your charms, girls, si Rubi (sa teleserye ng ABS-CBN) magaling gamitin ang charms niya.

Basta, the point is, change the way we approach communication.

Excellent source on Husband and Wife communication:

YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND  Debra Tannen  1991
http://www.soc.cornell.edu/hayes-lexical-analysis/CornellCorpus2000/HUMANSCI/TANNEN.ASC
 
Related Post:

http://www.smartparenting.com.ph/parentchat/index.php?topic=1020.msg8735#msg8735

JoshuaGummies

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Re: Why husband and wife miscommunicate
« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2010, 02:45:58 pm »

Men from Mars, Women from venus! ;D daw!

Salamat Daddy jojo.. ngayon naiintindihan ko ng ng kaunti ang mga lalake... ;D

sana mga lalake intindihin nyo rin kami!  >:(

Mac.Rodriguez

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Re: Why husband and wife miscommunicate
« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2010, 06:17:39 pm »

just curious... so why does the woman should always initiate the "mood" thing to keep the man's ego happy?

women has egos too -- pride -- interest and "moods" like men.
why should women put up to what men want just to satisfy the "relationship" interest?

diba dapat give and take? or compromise both egos, wants, attitudes to make the relationship work? --and i think this applies to any kind of relationship whether work/officemates, friends or even family. hindi by gender. hindi naman pwede just because you're a man, you'll be followed and worshiped while the women be enslaved to that desires.

i know couples who work things out and disregard the "i am a man" and "i am a woman" issue.
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yhamsloveŽ

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Re: Why husband and wife miscommunicate
« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2010, 10:05:34 pm »

Daddy Jojo! nice topic.. ;D

minsan nahihirapan din akong intindihin ang asawa ko kase may mga gusto siyang gawin na ayaw niya talagang i-give up, na sa tingin ko, pwede namang wala.

pero gusto niya eh, hindi naman kabawasan sa akin o sa kanya kung pagbibigyan ko siya. kapag nakita kong halos lumundag na sa tuwa ang asawa ko dahil pinagbibigyan ko siya sa mga gusto niya, masaya na rin ako. i love making my husband happy.

Kaming mga lalaki, ayaw ng namin ng mahabang usapan.  Madalas ayaw naming mag-usap tungkol sa problema.

totoo ito, ayaw ng asawa ko ng debate. pag umaatikabong dakdak na ang bibig ko, hindi na siya sasagot. para lang matapos na. at siya na ang hihingi ng sorry (kahit na dapat ako) para lang di na humaba ang usapan... kase madalas, pag humahaba ang diskusyon walang napupuntahan. sayang ang oras.

pero thankful ako kase mabait ang asawa ko. isang dahilan kaya pinagbibigyan ko siya sa mga gusto niya eh dahil faithful siya sa akin. kahit hindi ako maganda, pinaparamdam niya sa akin na hindi siya attracted sa iba. na ako lang ang gusto niyang makasama habang buhay. ganon din naman ako sa kanya, i cannot imagine my life without him.

isa pang natutunan ko sa asawa ko, sabi niya: ayoko ngang makipag-away sa iyo, ang sarap-sarap magmahal eh..  :D
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annie0312

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Re: Why husband and wife miscommunicate
« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2010, 10:33:17 pm »

According to the book "You Just Don't Understand" by Debra Tannen, ang pinaka importante sa aming mga lalaki ay heirarchy at autonomy or independence.  Sa inyong mga babae, ang pinakaimportante daw ay relationship.  Dito tayo nag-aaway.  Iba pinanggagalingan namin, iba pinanggagalingan ninyo.


I agree with this. Pansin ko kasi noon, parang dinidiktahan ko lang palagi yung asawa ko. Ganito gawinmo, Ganyan. Hindi naman niya kasi sinasabi na ayaw niya ng ganun. Basta katapus tapusan ng-aaway kami dahil hindi nga niya nagagawa yung gusto ko.

Nung minsan ng-away kami ni hubby. Nasabi niya na sakal na sakal na daw siya sa'kin. Nasaktan ako ng sobra sa sinabi niya. Kaya na pag isip-isip ko din na may mali talaga ako. Hindi tama na hinahawakan naten sa leeg ang mga asawa naten. Let them feel na sila ang padre de pamilya. Na dapat din silang katakutan.

Minsang nga naikuwento niya na sabi daw ng mga kaibigan niya. "TAKOSA KA PALA EH!". sinasabi na lang niya. "HINDI AKO TAKOT, NAGMAMAHAL LANG" ;).

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MissPychi

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Re: Why husband and wife miscommunicate
« Reply #5 on: August 05, 2010, 04:59:48 pm »

Hi Daddy Jojo...

Thanks for the tip.  I posted a separate thread about my problem in communicating with hubby specially about money matters.

Sabi mo, set the "love mood"... hehe... will try this, baka mag work?... o baka hindi na mapunta sa dapat na pag uusapan, kundi....  ;)   ;D
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insensitive

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Re: Why husband and wife miscommunicate
« Reply #6 on: August 05, 2010, 08:41:07 pm »

korek..ayaw ng mga boys ang laging may diskusyon.,
i respect my husband so much..pg alam ko na makakoffend hindi ko na sasabihin..mabait ang asawa ko.pag mainit ulo ko hindi na sya sumasagot(minsan kinaiinisan ko hehe)..pag sya naman mainit ulo tahimik ako pero pg nakangiti na sya ok na lahat..
at maganda talaga ang laging naguusap..best tool to make the relationship forever!!!
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charm

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Re: Why husband and wife miscommunicate
« Reply #7 on: August 06, 2010, 09:32:01 am »

thanks daddy jojo, informative sia sakin kaya pala ganun ang mga husband . even si husband ko ayaw din ng pinapahaba ang usapan lalo na kapag nag kakatampuhan kami , ako yung daldal ng daldal , siya iiwas nalang o aalis muna ng bahay .
tapos kapag malamig na ang ulo ko " sasabihin niya na o ano OKEY ka na ba" ;)
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chimendoza09

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Re: Why husband and wife miscommunicate
« Reply #8 on: August 06, 2010, 10:20:55 am »

daddy jojo, thanks for sharing :) for me naman why husband and wife miscommunicate is because of PRIDE. grabe kalaban ang pride na yan--nakakasira ng relationship  >:(  kami ni hubby we don't debate kung mainit ulo namin o fresh na fresh ang issue, kc "totoo na ayaw nila ng mahabang diskusyunan-lalo na pag galit/inis mode sila kc pakiramdam nila the more words na marinig nila the more masasaktan PRIDE nila. kung silent kami, nag-iisip kami pareho and now we are ready to talk..

tama yun daddy jojo na importante sa mga lalake yung HIERARCHY & AUTONOMY, ito din sabi ng lolo ko sa akin "magpakumbaba ka kc kinuha ka lang sa kanyang tadyang"--wow, biblical!  ;D sa bagay may point din kc yung hierarchy issue eh historical naman talaga kaya our society is still valuing kaya buhay pa ang term na "PADRE de PAMILYA"

but does it mean na tayo-wife nalang LAGI ang magpapakumbaba? diba in a relationship-it's give and take? di ba di naman tayo kukunin sa tadyang nila kung di nila tayo kailangan? (mana yata ako kay lolo ah! :D) ito daw ang mga questions ng mga love na na-conquer na ng PRIDE..pero kung tunay kang nagmamahal, at patuloy kang nagmamahal--di mo itatanong ito, magmamahal ka lang at magbibigay ka lang, no demanding and expecting of something in return..in some cases may mga lalake din in this situation pero bihira lang, due to societal practices--they will always be in top of the hierarchy, so for us who vowed till death we will part--for whatever reasons, if we want to save the relationship, keep our promise, give up the PRIDE, talk even if it hurts, ano ba naman ang mahinahong pag-uusap sa mga taong nagmahalan before o nagmamahalan pa rin ngayon, let's just love, love, love there will be no miscommunications at all.  :)
« Last Edit: August 06, 2010, 10:24:04 am by chimendoza09 »
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reynjoyce

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Re: Why husband and wife miscommunicate
« Reply #9 on: August 06, 2010, 10:55:05 am »

"An amazing  74 percent of men said if they had to choose,they would choose to be alone and unloved rather than DISRESPECTED."

Thousand of years ago,the Bible addressed the issue's of man's need for respect.In his letter to the Ephesian's,we read this instruction from Paul:"Each one of you also must love his wife as he love's himself, and the wife      must respect her husband."(5:33).Notice this passage does not call on husbands and wives to love each other.It charges husbands to LOVE their wives, and wives to RESPECT their husbands.God knows that a woman's primary need is to feel loved,but a man's primary need is to feel RESPECTED!                 
It makes sense right  ;D
« Last Edit: August 06, 2010, 10:58:22 am by reynjoyce »
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Mariel Arun

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Re: Why husband and wife miscommunicate
« Reply #10 on: August 06, 2010, 04:29:41 pm »

...coz they don't listen to each other. by doing so, how can they be receptive kung hindi man lang makinig, or makinig man wala sa puso.
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alexismom

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Re: Why husband and wife miscommunicate
« Reply #11 on: August 07, 2010, 09:43:42 pm »

kami din ng husband ko pride ang problema. pag may points kami, nagkakainitan. inaabot kami minsan ng more than 2 hours sa discussions and arguments. minsan napupuyat kami kasi may agreement na before going to bed, mapag-usapan muna lahat.

ugali ko rin dati nagging through text and email. lagi inis husband ko dati dahil dun.
« Last Edit: August 07, 2010, 10:27:25 pm by sexymomma »
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mommy ni gwen

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Re: Why husband and wife miscommunicate
« Reply #12 on: October 27, 2010, 11:51:09 pm »

eto na pala yun daddy jojo! as i was reading your post, napapa tango ako... pero ang weird kasi i always make sure he's involved like for example in my pregnancy... i show him how much he's needed. sometime nga naiisip ko na baka he thinks OA na ako sa pagka dependent sa kanya or demanding ako of his time and affection... pero haaay.... minsan nakakapagod pero kailangan nga siguro babae ang mag initiate ng communication.. thanks for this post!  :)
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❤Xian&Mam ❤

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Re: Why husband and wife miscommunicate
« Reply #13 on: October 28, 2010, 12:41:23 am »

uo nga,ayaw din ni hubby makipag-debate
bakit pa daw makipagsagutan sya,
eh lagi naman daw sya talo ;Dhehe
di pa kami nag aaway ni hubby
yung away talaga eh,
asar lang,inis ganun...
pero tahimik lang,di kasi yun magsasalita
kapag alam niya naiinis ako,at galit na yung boses ko ;D
nakakamis tuloy makipag-away..haha
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J0

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Re: Why husband and wife miscommunicate
« Reply #14 on: October 28, 2010, 05:31:03 am »

I just want to clarify something in this thread.

I am not saying that women should initiate.  What I wrote at the end of my first post here is simply a suggestion in an attempt to reach a win-win situation.

Para sa akin both male and female should take the step to lower their defenses, consider the point of view of the other (where the issue is coming from) and try to understand each other.

Ang problema lang kasi, marami, lalo na sa mga lalaki ang sa unang tingin mo eh totally closed.
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