I was in pain and weak and very depressed after the operation and recovering in my room. I couldn't think straight. I was beginning to worry about the money as well to save our baby. It was the holidays! Where could I get money? I requested to see my baby at the nurses station but I was declined because my baby was in an incubator and I was not allowed inside the nursery and that it was not viewing hours. When the doctors would drop by the discussion was about the costs and the survival rate of my son. When I asked if I could see my baby they said to request it at the nurses station.
This time I went during viewing hours.... and you know what, like a visitor only, I had to view my son from a window. I couldn't see his face. The incubator was so far away. I only saw his moving arms and legs. I had no idea how he looked like. I would cry when I looked through that glass. I was angry at myself, angry at the world.... angry with everyone.
I spent Christmas at the hospital with my partner. I wanted to see my baby that night but I couldn't because it was not visiting hours. I longed to touch him to hear him cry .... to see his face.
When I was given a discharge slip, I still couldn't leave. I had to pay the full amount on my bill about 50K plus. No promissory notes. The money we had was half of the bill and they wouldn't accept it. So I had to stay for another day. The days where just adding to my bill. My partner went to every relative who could spare extra from the holidays. And with about 41K in our hands my bill was exceeding to 60K. Still it was a no in their billing dept. I personally painfully walked their flight of stairs to speak with the director but they denied me. Saying I had to pay 10K up to date. I was furious, I told them to at least take the money and bill me! And they did... noting as a partial payment. My mom who was taking care of my kids who both happened to have chicken pox in the most difficult time, rang up the hospital and was still denied to speak to the director. She spoke with the employee who I had been speaking with and she said to pay 8K and I would be released.
So for another day added to my bill my partner scoured places and sold his cell phones and borrowed money to get that 8K.
On Dec 31 2010, I was released from the hospital. I signed a promissory note ( when they said they didn't allow it). I wanted to see my baby but as it was past viewing hours I couldn't get a glimpse of my baby.
The new year was a sad one. I wanted my baby.... For the days to come it was torture, finding ways to get money, approaching the city hall, working on SSS, and PCSO .... it was difficult because it was hard for me to commute with the stitches....
We would try to visit the hospital when I had spare change for fare, but only visiting hours.... the doctor was always out then. When the nurses would call for medicine and diapers, I would just say please add it to our bill since I knew we were going to get help from PCSO once all the requirements were fixed...
Once day the hospital called in the morning of January 14 2011, asking for us to bring milk. I said ok, we were going to go borrow from friends. Then after a few hours, we got another call asking us to go to the hospital as the doctor wanted to speak with us. No urgency ... nothing at all, just a casual the doctor wants to speak with you. So I assumed she was going to scold me for not being at the hospital everyday. We left in the afternoon to borrow money and after endless No's and Sorry's for 500... it was 6pm when we got hold of 1K. We stopped at mercury to buy our baby a bottle and milk....
On the way I had a feeling. I was worrying I was scared. I knew something was suddenly wrong.
When we got there my husband knocked at the nursery door while I sat for a bit gasping for air. Then I heard the doc say "bakit ngayon ka lang?" "wala na siya" and stood up grabbing and pulling my partner from the door asking "what happened... what did they say?" and he said " wag ka mabibigla" , I saw his eyes and I knew ... but I wanted it to be a lie.
For the first time I entered that nursery .... I was trembling. The doc asked 'bakit ngayon ka lang? " And I explained that we had to look for money to buy him milk ... and when I looked to my right ... there he was.
His lifeless body on the table .... no oxygen ... no nothing just a lifeless body....
For the first time I saw his face. His nose, his mouth. For the first time I touched his fingers, his toes, his head, his cheek .... And I broke down .... I wanted to hold him in my arms but they said not to because my tears would drop on him.
For a faint minute, I asked myself, is this really my baby? my partner refused to see his son dead and wouldn't come inside. That moment all I could tell my son was that I was sorry. I was so so sorry.
He passed away at 7pm just a few minutes before we arrived.
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Topic: My baby died when he was only 22 days old. I only saw him ..dead... (Read 91133 times)
