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Author Topic: my son is starting to ask  (Read 41109 times)

sweet&spice

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my son is starting to ask
« on: April 18, 2011, 12:08:16 pm »

Yesterday, while in church, my son had a male-toddler playmate, accompanied by his parents. They would smile at each other, toast their mineral water bottles, and wave their hands. The playmate was carried by the dad, and he wanted me to carry him as well. Sometime before the mass ended, he whispered, "daddy ko?" I just assumed, he was asking -- where is my dad?

Ayan na, although I know baby more or less knows that it's off-topic to talk about his father, he asked innocently, kasi the family behind me is a perfect epitome of a happy family.

In as much as I would want to make this family whole for him, hindi pwede di ba? Kasi unreliable yung father niya --- kung kelan lang niya matipuhan mangamusta and mag-abala. Pag naabala sya, or napapagalitan ni gf, nawawala sya. I don't want to introduce my son to a setting na ganun. He's not even among the priorities. He's just one of those activities to "kill time".

What do I say? What do I do? Naawa naman ako kay baby.. :'(

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« Last Edit: September 28, 2018, 12:48:14 am by Mommy Jazz »
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Mommy France

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Re: Lagot! Baby, asked..."daddy ko?"
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2011, 01:19:27 pm »

Hi sis.. naku dumating na sa point na nagtatanong na pala son mo.

If I were in your situation. I'd tell him where his father is but very vaguely. I wouldn't get into details of why his father is not with us but I'd tell him na his father is living in a different home. IF he asks why then I'd tell because that's where he lives. Any follow up question will be entertained depende sa maturity ng bata. For me kasi it is more difficult not to say anything kasi baka ang feeling nila they are deprived of having a father.

Maybe you can also define "father" for him in a different way. Not the biological aspect but father based on role. If you have brothers and maybe also your brother can be his "father" or male figure when he needs one.

Wag ka sis maawa sa baby mo. You did this kasi alam mong tama yung decision mo. Kawawa yung anak mo kapag umasa siyang may sisipot every sunday to pick him up kung yung isa naman eh kapag gusto lang pumunta. Ang important talaga is for him not feel like it is his fault or he is not complete just because his father is not with him.
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Re: Lagot! Baby, asked..."daddy ko?"
« Reply #2 on: April 18, 2011, 01:36:13 pm »

@funnyarte: ilang taon na nga sis son mo? my daughter is 4 yrs old na, pero di pa naman siya nagtatanong. pero kinakabahan na ko.. although minsan pag yung pinsan niya e tinawag yung daddy niya, makiki daddy din siya, ganun pa lang naman. yan din fear ko nuon, kung paano iexplain. kasi dadating talaga yung time na magtatanong e. pero naisip ko din yung ginawa ni Sharon kay KC, she told her honestly what happened. kasi mas mahirap na di natin sagutin yung tanong ng bata.. pero sa age nila ngayon, siguro yung kaya lang muna nilang maintindihan.

also, dito ko talaga maaasahan family ko, yung brother ko super supportive siya sa daughter ko, na nung moving up exercises niya e present talaga siya kahit na nag absent na siya from work, so siguro duon na din papasok na "father figure" for them.

di pa din ako ready if ever nagtanong daughter ko pero I know I made the right choice.  :) kahit na sobrang hirap, I don't want her to feel na iba siya.

don't worry sis, super bonded kayo ng son mo diba? kausapin mo lang siya ng sa tingin mo kung ano na kaya niya maintindihan for now.
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sweet&spice

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Re: Lagot! Baby, asked..."daddy ko?"
« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2011, 03:17:35 pm »

@Mommy France: Thanks sis. I get teary-eyed dun sa response mo. I can't even remember kung alin dun. As you said, ayoko lang kasi na parang I let them meet and end up disappointing my son. Di ba, I gave SD that opportunity na, and wala pa rin? I won't drop naman everything when SD chooses to be available para lang makita yung father niya. I really don't have much male relatives to bond my son with, kasi puro girls kami sa family. I live away from my parents, so hindi rin active male figure, although my dad is the strongest and closest male figure that he has. My sister said I just had to accept and present that there is no (reliable) father for him. Ang ayoko lang, basta magkaroon ng father, pagtya-tyagaan ko na however little is offered. Wag naman ganun.

@Mommy Angel: Baby is about 3.5yo and it's really more of an innocent remark, careful sya na baka magalit ako. Buti pa ikaw, you have your brother with you. Ako, feeling ko, nakiki-male figure lang ako.  There is really no constant male figure available.

Ano ba ang pwedeng sabihin sa 3.5yo about fathers? ... and where his father is? There are appropriate truths depending on age and maturity..di ko alam kung ano ang kaya nyang i-process sa mind niya. Alangan namang "daddy is living in his house, and chose not to be with us. i choose not to be with him, kasi he doesn't know his priorities yet. he has issues about love and responsibilities. " nyek! hindi ko alam...lumalalim na masyado yung explanation ko.

i can't even say, your father is away coz he has to work (30 minutes apart lang ang houses namin), and even if he's working, he's not naman spending for him..
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magilas

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Re: Lagot! Baby, asked..."daddy ko?"
« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2011, 03:29:37 pm »

sis di ko rin alam sagot. hard to post a reply.

if i were in your shoes, and if he repeats the question and sounds more insistent, then that's the time i will answer him. right now, it's better to prepare your answer.

my answer will be: "your daddy can't be with us right now." if he asks "why not?" a vague answer: "because it's not the right time and he is not ready. it's time for you to be with mommy right now and i'm always here for you"

if still insistent: "if we pray that your daddy becomes ready to be with you, then maybe he can be ready and be with you sooner"

i really don't know if it will work.
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♥_caramel_♥

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Re: Lagot! Baby, asked..."daddy ko?"
« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2011, 03:35:26 pm »

hi po ,. ako din gaya ng ibang moms di ko din alam ang sasabihin ko pag nasa ganung sitwasyon ako ,. pero i agree kay mommy france na magbigay ka ng detalye kasi the more you ignore your baby's questions eh lalo syang maku-curious ,. ako naman, since illegitimate ako hmm nakikita ko naman father ko before till 10yrs old ata ako pero hindi regular ,. kung kelan lang maisipan ganun tsaka bata pa ko alam ko na sitwasyon na may pamilya tatay ko at anak ako sa labas kaya di na ko nag-abala pang magtanong sa mama ko ,. pag may nagtatanong saken nun kung nasan papa ko i woudl reply 'nalunod sa sabaw ng sinigang' yun lang ng matapos usapan ,. based on my exp. dapat imulat mo na sa katotohanan ang bata kahit hindi buong info kasi di pa naman niya masyadong maiintindihan, at least may idea sya para di ma-arouse curiosity niya ,. at para maging handa ka pa sa mga follow up questions in the future
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sweet&spice

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Re: Lagot! Baby, asked..."daddy ko?"
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2011, 03:41:28 pm »

@caramel: nice one sis, "nalunod sa sabaw ng sinigang"! good one!  ;D ;D ;D so, parang sagot ko dun sa nephew:  ninang, where is baby xyz's dad?
me:  not here. maybe in hell, i don't know.
nephew: no, is he still alive?
me: yes. he is.
nephew: why isn't he here, if he's still alive? is he in the philippines?
me: yes.
nephew: is his house far from your house?
me: no.
nephew: why is he not with you and baby?
me: because he is an evil person? bwahaha..


@magilas: nice suggestion sis. kaya lang, parang pag ganun...he'll end up waiting and hoping when his father will ever be ready. haaaay...pano nga kaya to? ano kayang processing ng 3.5-4yo?
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♥♥♥mommyangel♥♥♥

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Re: Lagot! Baby, asked..."daddy ko?"
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2011, 03:47:10 pm »

parang humirap nga lalo sis.. pati tuloy ako kinabahan. kahit ako di ko din ata alam ano yung mga bagay na maintindihan na niya for now..
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♥_caramel_♥

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Re: Lagot! Baby, asked..."daddy ko?"
« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2011, 03:56:10 pm »

hehe pahirap ng pahirap nga ,. mommy funnyarte di ka naman galet kay SD noh? hehe natawa ko sa sagot mo sa nephew mo parang may galet haha  ;D ,. dun sa 'nalunod na sagot ko may follow up questions mga teacher ko dun at mga friends ko ang sagot ko ulit "eh ta**nga-t*ng* eh,  di marunong lumangoy eh ayun nalunod"
seryoso na hehe
hmmm ,. ikaw po ba ano ba gusto mo malaman ni baby mo right now?
tsaka usu. sa mga single moms sasabihin nila 'nasa malayo daddy mo' eh yung bata magwawonder ,. kaya give him hints na lang kaya? hmm . . ako kasi nung sinabe saken na 'may pamilya papa mo' nanahimik na ko kasi alam ko na ibig sabihin nun ., so para lang di mabagabag si baby pogi mo eh why not give him a hint, matalino naman baby mo eh i know for sure maiintindihan niya ., pero kung ayaw mo pa rin sabihin mo na lang po kaya 'in the future i will tell you, but for now..." hmm ,. nahirapan na ko ah hehe hirap nga ng sitwasyon!  :'( ;D
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sweet&spice

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Re: Lagot! Baby, asked..."daddy ko?"
« Reply #9 on: April 18, 2011, 04:03:28 pm »

ano ba to....hirap naman mag-balance ng sagot for a toddler...yung line kasi sa movie na "changeling", di pa age-appropriate eh..  :o
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magilas

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Re: Lagot! Baby, asked..."daddy ko?"
« Reply #10 on: April 18, 2011, 04:15:35 pm »

ay truly ang hirap!

when will his dad be ready? pag naging dad ka na rin baby. oh no! pero palagay ko, matagal pa.

wait, yung friend ko, may happier beginning na. bago pa mandin magtanong yung inaanak ko last year before she turned 3, ayun, natuwa na my friend's SD sa paminsan minsan na outing nila mag-ama, after, gusto na i acknowledge, sya na naglakad ng acknowledgment, may support pa!

pakulam na lang natin para maging ready na  ;)
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ilovegabe

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Re: Lagot! Baby, asked..."daddy ko?"
« Reply #11 on: April 18, 2011, 04:17:36 pm »

Kinabahan ako nun nabasa ko to.

My son was asked once by his teacher kung nasan daddy niya, My son just said "there o" pointing at nowhere. Maybe because he just saw his dad during Christmas break. After he met with his dad and lola, he asks me once in a while, mommy where's daddy? Where's lola? and I answer him naman ng mayos, "they're not here, they're in manila, remember, we took an airplane to get there" the conversation will shift to airplanes na  ;)

I think sis, kids need to know that they have a dad. It doesn't matter how bad, jerk ____ (fill the blank here) the father is, they just need to know that they have one. We can keep mum about the father but we dont know how that affects our baby. Im not saying naman to tell him agad everything, just take it one question at a time.
Dont make the word daddy a taboo in your home para naman baby will not think or will not feel guilty when he asks you about daddy. Just give him the information he needs the moment he needs it.
There's more to come pa sis.
Imagine what's worse:
Knowing you have a dad but he's a jerk.
Or
not knowing anything at all, not knowing the other person where you came from.

Our babies might still be too young to  process that now but when they do, the answer would be:
He's a jerk, it's not my fault, its not my mom's fault.
Or
I dont know because my mom did not tell me anything.


Sorry, my thoughts are a bit scattered.  ::)
Will compose a better answer later.
 :)
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ilovegabe

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Re: Lagot! Baby, asked..."daddy ko?"
« Reply #12 on: April 18, 2011, 04:23:59 pm »

Re: "nalunod sa sabaw ng sinigang"
I have a friend na ganun din ang sagot niya, but I dont think its right to teach our babies this. It might sound funny but we dont know how the person saying this feels.
How did you feel when you say this sis caramel? I dont want to be too nosy, just want to know how it feels for you to say this lang. At leas I will have an idea lang how my son would feel.
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Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
-Proverbs 22:6

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.
-Ephesians 2:8-9

riddermark

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Re: Lagot! Baby, asked..."daddy ko?"
« Reply #13 on: April 18, 2011, 04:27:10 pm »

difficult indeed.

how about ... "he's not here with us but it's okay, we have each other, dont we babe?"

now what would be his follow-up question(s) ....  why's he not with us?  "because he chose to do other things?"

sensya.... subok lang  ;D
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Re: Lagot! Baby, asked..."daddy ko?"
« Reply #14 on: April 18, 2011, 04:32:13 pm »

oo nga, kahit siguro gaano kalabo for them, at least yung may true and honest answer tayo sa kanila. just for this moment, kasi parang innocent remark lang naman, sabihin mo na si daddy ay _______ hehe  ;)

ako din pag naririnig ko mother ko na sinasabi na patay na daddy niyan kahit na di pa naiintindihan ng anak ko, ayaw ko din na ganun mga naririnig niya, kasi di naman yun yung totoo.. kaso I can't blame my mom din, kasi kahit di man talaga totoo, since di na talaga nagpaparamdam, e di pwede na i consider na patay? hehe..
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