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Author Topic: For unmarried couples: what is the reason to not marry yet?  (Read 46821 times)

chester

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Re: For unmarried couples: what is the reason to not marry yet?
« Reply #30 on: May 25, 2011, 03:39:50 pm »

@CIB: i dont understand your fear.  pero hope you overcome your fear.....
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CIB

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Re: For unmarried couples: what is the reason to not marry yet?
« Reply #31 on: May 25, 2011, 04:27:27 pm »

@chester : Me also. Hindi ako makahinga everytime pagtapos pag-usapan. Tapos parang made-depress na ako na parang gusto kong tumakbo somewhere na makakawala ako from that something. All I know is there a fear inside me na hindi ko alam kung bakit. Nag-uumpisa yung kaba hanggang parang lalaki ng lalaki na talagang parang nababalot yung puso ko, yung pagkatao ko. And weird din hindi ko alam kung bakit. Na parang may gagawin si hubby na masama sa akin pag pinakasalan ko sya pero Dyusko naman! Ilang beses ng napatunayan nung tao sa akin na mahal niya ako. Gustong gusto kong gawin pero nanlalambot ako pagtapos kong isipin. Parang bungee jumping yung feeling ko. Natatakot akong tumalon kahit andun na lahat.
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momskie Jane

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Re: For unmarried couples: what is the reason to not marry yet?
« Reply #32 on: May 26, 2011, 03:48:05 pm »

@ CIB: on my POV sis, if I'm not mistaken takot ka sa commitment itself or maybe it's fear of the unknown. Maybe you are not aware of it kasi dini-deny mo sa self mo. Maraming possible reasons bakit ganyan ang reaction mo. Hindi yan ganyan kung walang pinagmulan. Try to ask yourself, dig deep. You might stumble sa isang experience sa life mo na nag-trigger sa fear mo na yan.

Also, siguro wag mo masyadong patagalin sa paghihintay si hubby mo. Baka mapagod sa kahihintay.  ;) Baka kung kelan ready ka na siya naman ang ayaw na. Kung love mo naman si hubby then there's no reason para matakot. Sa marriage kasi, kapag may problema kayong dalawa ang haharap at magtutulungan.

I've also experienced that, sinasabi sakin ni hubby na magpakasal na daw kami para makapag-sama na at saka lumalaki na si baby. Tapos, hindi na ako makakasagot. Marami na akong reason na ibibigay. Then, later on na-realize ko na why not take a chance. We love each other naman. Kung financially ready na kaming dalawa then go,go,go na. Kung may darating na problem then let it be. I don't want to miss the opportunity of having a fulfilling life with the people I love.
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CIB

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Re: For unmarried couples: what is the reason to not marry yet?
« Reply #33 on: May 27, 2011, 02:18:47 pm »

@momskie Jane: Thank you. Yeah The fear of commitment crossed my mind noon pa when Im asking myself also bakit hindi ko magawa? Sabi ko pa nga ganito siguro yung feeling ng mga lalake  ;D Dahil kung ganito nga Nakakatakot naman pala kasi talaga. Somehow I know the reason. There’s a particular moment in my life na bumabalik sa akin everytime. Parang that’s the green-eyed monster na lagi nag-aabang for me to be scared and walk away. Isa sa New years resolutions ko nga is yun. To overcome the fear. Hoping and praying ako simula pa January. Kasi Im praying to make it right talaga para sa anak namin.

Kagabi nga I asked hubby “Gusto mo pa ba akong pakasalan?” after 5 long years. Pabiro yung tanong ko pero I saw how his face lit up. His eyes really got so excited na parang batang nabigyan ng surprise pero seconds lang sagot niya sa akin “Gusto mo na ba? Ikaw lang naman yung inaantay ko di ba? After the conversation the fear is crawling at my heart again pero hindi ko na hinahayaang gumapang. Instead napo-focus ako dun sa kung gaano magiging masaya yun kung saka-sakali.  Saka ilang tao yung mapapasaya ko talaga hindi lang si hubby. Kasi hindi lang naman si mama ko yung bothered talaga doon pati mil ko dahil twing may away kami ni hubby na medyo malala lagi niya sermon “Wala kasi kayong basbas ng simbahan. Lumalaki ang anak nyo. Ayusin nyo ang pagsasama nyo.”  At  bubulong sa akin “Ako ng bahala sa isusuot mo.”  ;D Mananahi kasi mil ko. At iniisip ko rin baka lumabo na ng lumabo ang mata niya pag pinag-antay ko pa. Saka I focus on telling myself everytime Im lucky enough to have a man na hindi ako iniwan kahit kailan. Someone who could just leave me pero hindi umaalis. Instead stand by me as a husband should be and more. We have lows pero mas marami naman yung ups. Have proven me time and again how much he loves me, why not sign the papers? Romantic yun kaya  ;D

Then kaninang umaga dumalaw na naman yung mag ka-sissies na mama ko sa simbahan. Yung kinulit niya talaga para kulitin kami na magpakasal sa simbahan simula pa nung feb.  And It was a Good morning to me. I guess its a sign na I don’t really have to worry about nothing. Biro mo I got to talk about it here pa na hindi ko pa nagagawa kahit saan at kahit kanino ,so I guess Im on my way. Kahit mismo kay hubby. Kasi Im really praying for it to happen this year. That His will will be powerful than my fears . That it will just simply fall into places when the right time comes. Na maayos muna talaga lahat. Walang pilitan. Kaya I guess Im really on my way there *crossedfingers*  :)
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chester

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Re: For unmarried couples: what is the reason to not marry yet?
« Reply #34 on: May 27, 2011, 02:55:24 pm »

@CIB:  in my opinion lang ha. i think hindi fear of commitment.  sigruo dahil sa madami ngsasabi na magpakasal na kayo kaya ka ngkakaganyan.  sobrang naiistress ka ba sa pagpipilit ng mga nasa paligid mo na magpakasal na kyo?
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mommycute46

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Re: For unmarried couples: what is the reason to not marry yet?
« Reply #35 on: May 27, 2011, 03:33:09 pm »

ay ako din, same with CIB na may fear magpakasal pero hindi kami pareho sa reason. Ang sa akin kasin takot ako maloko ng partner ko, ilang beses ko kasi siya nahuli before. Ang dami kung what if's ngayon although he always assure me naman na noon yon, spicies of pagkabinata daw pero iba na ngayong magkakababy na kami. Pero di ko maalis yong takot ko and I don't even know kung ano isasagot ko pag nagpropose siya.
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CIB

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Re: For unmarried couples: what is the reason to not marry yet?
« Reply #36 on: May 27, 2011, 03:43:26 pm »

@chester: Actually mama ko lang saka mil ko nangungulit pag may chance. Pero hindi naman ako pressured. Saka yung 2 sissies na ngayon sa simbahan. Kaya 4 na sila  ;D Kasi I think hubby made them or pinaki-usapan yung family niya na respect my decision before. Kaya hindi talaga napag-uusapan because hubby felt Im too sensitive sa topic. Mil ko lang sa part ni hubby because she can get away with it once in a while because siguro alam niya matanda sya. And really, I gave her that naman. Never naman sya nag push talaga na feeling ko atribida na sya  :)
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momskie Jane

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Re: For unmarried couples: what is the reason to not marry yet?
« Reply #37 on: May 27, 2011, 03:45:53 pm »

@ CIB: fingers crossed for you sis.  :) I guess love ka naman talaga ng hubby mo. Take your time. you'll be there when you are. Mamalayan, umo-o ka na pala sa kanya.  :D

Sis, I am hoping na yung fear mo to commit is about the commitment itself hindi dahil insecure ka sa relationship niyo or dahil hindi ka pa sure sa kanya. Kasi kapag ganun, naku, another complications nanaman. Sana hindi.  ;D

@ mommycute46: Naku sis, take your time. Kung nagawa niya nuon, magagawa at magagawa niya ulit yan sa iyo. Kilalanin mo muna siya ng mabuti pati family. Once you'll get to know his family, and I mean deep na pagkakakilala, then you'll have an idea kung anong kaya at hindi niya kaya gawin.
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CIB

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Re: For unmarried couples: what is the reason to not marry yet?
« Reply #38 on: May 27, 2011, 05:00:30 pm »

@momskie Jane: Im kind of confident naman na I think yung commitment talaga yung takot ko. Yung vows that I would make sa harap ng Diyos. Takot kasi ako sa Diyos mas yun yung ayaw ko na parang I felt What if I failed Papa God? I don’t wanna hurt him pero later ko na realized na as a daughter of God mas nasasaktan ko sya considering the way I live. Me and hubby. Kaya nga Im praying talaga simula last year pa na tulungan niya akong gawin kong tama. Gawin namin ni hubby na tama.

I respect so much yung sanctity. Yung vows sa marriage na walang makakapag hiwalay sa mag-asawa kundi kamatayan lang. But my fear started... sige i’ll make kwento na para matapos ko. Andito na to siguro this is his way para magsimula akong mag heal. There are 3 incidents in my my life, maybe I was 9 till 11 na I saw first hand how my papa hurt my mama. As in binugbog sa harap naming magkakapatid.  Im shaking hehe. 3 girls kami out of 5. We didn’t saw all the scene though dahil hinila na kami ng ate ko sa kwarto but I heard all the screams and my moms crying. It was very traumatic. Naging series yun kahit year apart. But I was there in all of the incidents hanggang I grow-up na they’re falling apart. Hanggang hiwalay na sila natutulog nung teenager na ako. I would always hear my mom cry sa awa ko minsan I would go to her and asked her  “Bakit hindi pa kayo makipag-hiwalay?”  and she would answer  “Paano kayo? Masisira yung pamilya natin? Mahal ko kayong mga anak ko. Mahirap ang broken family.”  Then and there I thought Bakit mas gusto niya pa yun kesa makapag bagong buhay. In my mind I felt it’s not right.I never thought it got me until later on na lang with my life. On supposedly Im gonna start on having my own family. It stick on my mind na What If I be like just like my mom? Na would I spent my life crying at night, miserable and lonely ng dahil lang sa kasal. Because my parents are like that. Old fashioned. Na they stick together kahit dumating na sila sa point na they couldn’t stand each other anymore because they’re married. Kasi kasal sila sa simbahan. And I guess over the years I focused lang sa bad side na yun. Na I didn’t look dun sa total life nila. Life namin as a family. Na there are things sa kanila na hindi ko siguro maiintindihan kasi buhay nila yun. Yeah siguro nga. But If my mom forgave him already bakit ako hindi ko magawa. Patay na yung tao and hey he’s not really a bad person.

Kaya siguro subconciouslly sometimes I would trigger hubby to hit me if he could. Then swear right there and then that If he would, hihiwalayan ko talaga sya ng walang pali-paliwanag. But he never did. Never laid a finger on me kahit gaano sya kagalit. In those 5 years raised voice on me only twice. Bilang na bilang ko talaga kasi victory sa akin pag nakausap niya ako ng galit because he’s always calm, kahit gaano na sya kagalit. And I got to know him naman from his siblings and cousin and friends. In all fairness everybody said He’s a nice guy. Sobrang tahimik lang. And most importantly I know someone would hurt me only  if I allowed that somebody to hurt me.

That’s my reason. I felt na pag nakasal na kami he will have na the reason para saktan ako. I felt hubby will have all the proper documents to hurt me. May rason na sya. May panghahawakan na sya sa akin. Na napangako naman niya na sa akin even from the start hindi niya gagawin. No matter how much I coaxed him. Never. Dahil yun daw ang turo ng kuya niya sa kanya. At magsumbong daw ako. Sundalo kasi bil ko.

Weird ba ako?
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mommycute46

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Re: For unmarried couples: what is the reason to not marry yet?
« Reply #39 on: May 27, 2011, 05:28:08 pm »

@momskie jane. Tama ka, I'm just starting to know him pa including his family.The good thing is kasundo ko ang family niya but they have the characters na "warrior" heheh, well sabagay yong 2 lang naman na anak ng mama niya sa first husband niya. Pero minsan napapaisip ako na paano kaya pag di ko sinansadya masaktan ko sila, baka awayin ako to the max ng dalawang yon heheh. I'm glad na hindi ganun ang partner ko, pareho kami tahimik saka ayaw ng away saka hindi talaga nananapak ng babae. Yon din kasi isang fear ko, pinalaki ako without violence at home kaya galit ako sa mga nananapak na lalaki sa kanilang asawa. But the main reason kung bakit takot ako mag-asawa is the issue of betrayal again. Nakikita ko naman seryoso na si partner but para sa akin hindi yon sapat. I need time to scrutinize and know him better kung nagbago nga siya.

@CIB...tama hinala ko (heheh di kasi ako naniwala sa unang rason mo na wala lang, maybe you are not ready to open up, pero ngayon I'm glad you did) its not the commitment itself kaya ayaw mo pa magpakasal but there are other factors at yon nga because you have a history of domestic violence. Mahirap nga yan pero 5 years is enough siguro to know your partner. I understand na as much as possible you don'nt want you don't want to see yourself in the situation of your mom ----ago. Pero mukhang malayo naman ugali hubby mo sa father mo kaya give him a chance. Do not let your past ruin your future.
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momskie Jane

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Re: For unmarried couples: what is the reason to not marry yet?
« Reply #40 on: May 27, 2011, 06:29:34 pm »

@ CIB: Thought so, the moment I read your story regarding your fear alam ko na kung ano ang pinanggagalingan. Tama si mommycute46.

Sis, your hubby is not your father. Wag mong ipilit na tumira sa anino ng nakaraan mo. Don't try to look for something that is not there anymore. You have to keep moving forward, or at least try to choose it. Di ba ayaw mong ma-ulit yun sa family mo ngayon?, pero tingnan mo parang ikaw na mismo ang naghahanap ng paraan para maulit yun.

When I was in college, a professor taught us that "behind every fear is a need". You are already aware of your fear, now you should know what your need is. Do you need a life full of hurting experiences? A life full of regrets? Full of bad memories? Or a new life with your own family, a life full of love and chances? Whatever your answer is, it's for you to choose. Pero siguro, before you do, try to forgive first. It doesn't mean you have to forget. It just means giving yourself a peaceful life.

Also sis, for me lang ha kasi di pa rin naman kami kasal ni hubby. Marriage is not about tying each other to a tree. Di naman ibig sabihin kasal kayo may karapatan nang magsakitan ang bawat isa. Wala naman sigurong nakalagay na ganyan sa marriage contract? You asked your mother before why ayaw niya pang makipaghiwalay, ikaw ba kapag nagkaganun you will also do the same? or you would do otherwise?
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pretty_girl

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Re: For unmarried couples: what is the reason to not marry yet?
« Reply #41 on: May 27, 2011, 06:42:39 pm »

maybe because they are not yet ready to get married or they wanted to have a big celebration for their wedding so they decided to save money first for the preparation of their big day :)
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mommy honamie

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Re: For unmarried couples: what is the reason to not marry yet?
« Reply #42 on: May 28, 2011, 11:22:00 am »

love is gambling nga daw db?..  ;) ;) you can have all the security that you need with all the documents you will have pag married ka na but you can never have a full assurance na he will never cheat or hurt you.. kasi sis syempre kahit asawa mo yan may sariling pag iisip yan na di mo hawak at controlled db dun naman papasok yung trust mo sa kanya yun lang naman panghahawakan mo sis diba? syempre love mo kaya pagkakatiwalaan mo at susugal ka.. if you love the person enough you will never be afraid to give all your trust to that perso you'll surrender your self diba?.. but also I understand your reason we all have our own fears sis take your time and think for what's the best lalo na sa baby diba? :D :D :D
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marikit

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Re: For unmarried couples: what is the reason to not marry yet?
« Reply #43 on: May 28, 2011, 03:38:00 pm »

Buti pa kayo buget lang problema  ;D, one of the reasons baket hindi pa kami makapagpakasal ng partner ko ngayon kasi mahal ang annulment process dito wala naman divorce. Just a piece of advice - think a million times before marrying. Hay lugi mga babae dito sa Pinas eh... If i could just turn back times, sana di na lang ako nagpakasal sa unang partner ko and till now i still blaming myself kung baket ako nagpadala sa mga tao sa paligid ko kaya nagpakasal ako(bata pa that time kaya nalilito sa feelings). Wag nyo na lang pansinin yung mga tao sa paligid kung baket di nyo pa afford magpakasal in the end its your happiness not their happiness.
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CIB

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Re: For unmarried couples: what is the reason to not marry yet?
« Reply #44 on: May 29, 2011, 02:33:00 pm »

Thank you mga sissies  ;D  Ngayon lang re-reply. I opted to really digest all the things  on my mind. Because what you all said is the same things that’s been battling on my mind for a while now. And yeah looking back now I think, How Silly?  ::)   ;D How silly I've been that it took so much energy from me and wasted time but then again....back then It really made sense, really.

@mommycute46: Were the same indeed  ;D Magkaiba nga lang ng rason pero yung fear talaga naman di ba? Hala ka! But sis take your time. Just take your time. Give yourself the freedom to simply Be True to yourself  :) That’s a gift that you could give yourself that no one else can.  To be a better person for others.  Sa magiging asawa mo. Sa real sense ng word  ;) I love every bit of what mommy honamie said   :) That's how Life work eh? Sabi ko rin nga sa sarili ko "Saan ba nakasulat dun sa marriage contract na pwede ka na nyang saktan pag nakasal na kayo? Nandun ba?" Anong assurance ang  ibibigay nun sa ginagawa ko na pag convince sa sarili ko ngayon na habang wala kaming papel eh wala syang karapatan na gawin yun. It doesnt work that way. Life really doesn’t work that way. A lot pa to ponder positively now that Im finally learning from what I did. If there is one thing lang na ayaw ko na lang sa ngayon is ayokong  magmadali  on taking it all at once. When I asked God to make it right maybe He just really want me to make it right. Everything will happen in Gods right time. I read yesterday about Michelle Obama advice for women  on relationships with spouses and with each other.  “Trust your instincts ... good relationships feel good. They feel right. They don't hurt. They're not painful.” And… I loved it.

@momskie Jane: I want a Life full of Love and CHANCES. You had really said it right. Chances is so into me now. Ito yung talagang natutunan ko from what I experienced. How I was so playing safe in almost   all aspect in my life.

What else can I say? Im just in awe on how brave a true woman can be. I am convinced, we, really are the better specie (Specie talaga  ;D ) on this “side” of the planet. Knowing some of you here in this topic, actually everybody who posted. I am just become so proud that I am also a woman. Do they really know how we (nakiki “we’ na talaga ako ngayon)brave this probably 10,000 more times than they do? While all of them cracked when marriage life reach it’s boiling point we remain holding-on like a true queen. Im having a better understanding now about my mom. Maybe she just didn’t...doesn’t wanna give-up. Simply because she doesn’t wanna see her king’s kingdom  fall apart. Kasi who, whoever will want that? And for whatever it’s worth sa tagal na, I am so glad she didn’t. 

Oh crap  :'(

Mom!

 ;D
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Love is like handing someone a gun, having them point in your heart and trusting them not to pull the trigger - SpongeBob
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