Butch Dalisay and Buboy: An Unexpected Grandparenting Story

Being a first-time grandparent is a powerful, life-changing experience as 16-time Palanca Awardee Filipino writer and author Jose “Butch” Dalisay, Jr. is finding out everyday. He and his wife Beng, an art conservator and restorer, have been on this grandparenting path for the last nine years. So far, the journey has nurtured and rewarded them as much as it has their ‘apu-apuhan’, nine-year-old Jesuel “Buboy” Arisapa. 

The Dalisays’ set-up with Buboy is quite unique because they are not related to him by blood. Buboy is the son of their family’s long-time house help Jenny Berdin and driver Sonny Arisapa. Along with Buboy’s Ate Jilliane, a child with disability, the Arisapas were embraced as extended family and currently live with the Dalisays at their residence inside the University of the Philippines (UP) campus. In a recent Facebook post about the ‘mag-lolo’s’ interview with Smart Parenting, Dalisay called Buboy “My proudest achievement, next to Demi…” Demi is the Dalisays’ unica hija who resides in the United States.

Being empty nesters and retirees for several years now, the Dalisays slid into grandparenting mode almost organically when Buboy entered their lives in 2016. “Buboy, for all intents and purposes, is like a grandson to us,” shares the Palanca Hall of Famer and multiple National Book Awardee.

These days, the author, playwright, former professor, editor, and mentor proudly adds “Tatay” to his many titles. It’s also the name by which Buboy calls him instead of “Lolo”. In the same manner, Beng is called “Nanay”.

At the height of the pandemic in 2020, when Buboy was a rumbunctious toddler with many antics and funny (mis) adventures (that often occurred in the couple’s bedroom), he became a constant subject in the writer’s blog and column in The Philippine Star. In one entry, Dalisay described Buboy as having “grown up believing—with some justification—that our bedroom is as much his as ours.” Nine years later, nothing much has changed—many of Buboy’s toys are still left in the couple’s room, except that, more often these days, the Fourth Grader knocks to tell his Nanay and Tatay that he’s off to school or that he’s off to bed.

Now that Buboy is bigger, he is asking more complex questions from his “Tatay”, and sometimes their conversations find its way to Dalisay’s Facebook entries, which the latter endearingly calls “Usapang Buboy”. These ‘media exposures’ through the years has made Buboy a kind of a mini celebrity, making people recognize him “a lot,” according to the kid.

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The Dalisays treat Buboy like he is of their own flesh and blood. They dote on him no end and shower him with unconditional love like any grandparent would. “He’s lived with us all his life,” Dalisay tells Smart Parenting during the interview, which was held at the garden of their residence. “Since he could barely walk, he would join us in bed when we woke up, and he would watch TV with us. He likes to hang out in our bedroom,” Dalisay shares.

Seated opposite him during the interview is Buboy, all dressed up and ready for a photoshoot. Both are looking very much like lolo and apo, with the 72-year old Dalisay exuding wisdom as he clutches on to his cane (and one can’t miss his signature style of fountain pens clipped to his polo pocket) while Buboy is looking shy as he fiddles with his toy car on the table.

Before Buboy came along, Dalisay admits he didn’t like kids, much less boys. “I always wanted a girl. Kasi boys are magulo, noisy, and smelly,” he reveals. He used to compare himself to American comedian W.C. Fields who is famously known for disliking “children and dogs”. He also says he was a ‘clumsy dad’ to Demi attributing this to marrying young—'on my 20^th birthday.’ While he says he is very close to his daughter, he didn’t know how to be a dad then. “I took care of her as much as I could but we didn’t get to play and horse around like I do with Buboy.”

Since Buboy came at a time when life and work had fewer demands from him, it was easier for Dalisay to welcome the idea of being a lolo. “I think it’s kind of interesting to have a little boy around the house, and before I knew it, Buboy became my …” Dalisay pauses, looks at Buboy, giving him a cue to finish his sentence, “Favorite boy,” the kid replies. Raising Buboy has changed his perception about being a grandparent, and now Dalisay declares, “kids are interesting, nice, and fun.”

Along with the fun comes the challenge of figuring out how to grandparent Buboy, knowing that his parents also live in the same compound. The Dalisays have committed to ensuring Buboy’s education until he graduates from college, but where do they draw the line when it comes to ‘raising’ him? “We always leave the disciplining to his parents, and we never get in the way of that,” says Dalisay.  “We make it clear to Buboy that he is primarily responsible to his Mama and Papa and that he should always follow them. Tatay is just kind of a lolo,” he adds.

Turning to Buboy, Dalisay asks, “What number of Lolo am I?” to which the boy responds, “Third.” The moniker “Lolo number three” is to make sure Buboy understands that he has two other sets of grandparents, both on his mother’s and father’s sides.

As educators, the Dalisays are keen on turning many of Buboy’s experiences  into teachable moments.  A shared time watching You Tube, for example, becomes about learning a wide range of subjects from insect, cars, and yes, even nuclear bombs.  A  dinner at a restaurant becomes about instilling the importance of eating ‘his fish and vegetables’ while still occasionally indulging the kid in Crispy Fries at his favorite fast food joint.

Having an esteemed writer as Lolo, expectedly, books and reading become a shared bond between the two. “When Buboy and I go to a new place, we look for things to do together. We look around us—nature, plants, and we tell stories so that Buboy will understand what is happening around him, and I think that’s the best investment for his future,” Dalisay reflects.  He adds that Artificial Intelligence (AI) is a topic they have yet to talk about, but Dalisay had another thing coming when Buboy was asked if he knew what AI was, to which the boy replied, “Yes. I found it on YouTube. AI makes things realistic and sometimes tries to fool you.”

“Yes! That’s smart!” Dalisay, obviously surprised, tells Buboy admiringly. “See, I didn’t even know he knew that. So that’s the kind of kid that we have to raise someone who is awareness of his environment.”

Beyond education and instilling the right values, the Dalisays also assure Buboy that he can reach out to them anytime. “I made sure that when Buboy has a problem…” Dalisay then signals the boy to finish his sentence, “That I should always tell you about it,” Buboy obliges.

Such altruistic act by the Dalisays stem from their desire to improve the lot of Buboy’s family, starting with making sure the boy gets a good education.  “The reason behind all of these is that Beng and I were student activists.  We’d like to think that we’re progressive minded but we also took it upon ourselves, even when Buboy wasn’t around yet, to also take care of Buboy’s sister. We told ourselves that this extended family of ours is like going to be our legacy project,” Dalisay says. “If we cannot improve the lot of this family and give them more options in our lifetime, then all this talk about social justice is just talk.”

Buboy has become not only a welcome break from the retirees’ routine but a blessing to their relationship as well. “[Having Buboy around] is a very stabilizing  factor,” offers Dalisay, who acknowledges that Buboy has softened his personal side. The boy is constantly on the couple’s mind even when they are abroad, wondering what he’s doing and what he might like for pasalubong that is both educational and interesting.  “I think it’s a great relief to both of us that we dote on Buboy,” he adds.

As they say, it takes a village to raise a child, and, in the Dalisays' case, it doesn’t matter whether you are bound to the child by blood or not. In their twilight years, the Dalisays are more than happy to hold this village together through their grandparenting and by extending their resources to Buboy and his family. In the process, their retirement years only become richer and brighter, knowing that as much as they give, they also receive, all thanks to a kid named Buboy.

Interview by Ronna Capili Bonifacio