#SPConfessions: 'Yesterday Was My Breaking Point, Mahirap Maging Maunawaing Nanay'

Ang kwentong ito ay hango sa isang tunay na #SPConfessions na ipinadala sa amin sa Smart Parenting Village. Ang ilang mga detalye ay bahagya naming binago upang bigyang proteksyon ang nagpadala nito.

This will be a long post, but maybe, just maybe, this will help us all.

Kasi sa totoo lang, napakahirap maging nanay. Napakahirap maging mapag-pasensyang nanay, napakahirap maging maunawaing maybahay.

And yesterday, was my breaking point. Hindi ko alam kung saan galing, paanong nagsimula, anong mali, anong problema. I started ranting, asking questions, and eventually, screaming at my husband.

I became so angry. I threw every single thing I touched—nabasag 'yung tasa, 'yung baso, 'yung stroller, 'yung pitcher, 'yung gatas. I was yelling at my husband. Galit na galit ako sa mundo. Gusto ko pang magalit sa mundo.

I was crying. From head to toe, I was in unexplainable pain. My heart raced, my head really hurt. Until I found myself lying on the floor with blood on my nose, my fingers, and my legs.

I heard my kids crying. I felt them hugging me. Naramdaman kong hinahawakan nila 'yung mga kamay ko, but crying was all I could do. I couldn't move. Later that afternoon, I woke up with my kids beside me. They offered me water, towel, and toys.

I can't believe I blew up in front of my kids. That was the first time I acted that monstrous. Nakakahiya. Nakakaguilty. Pakiramdam ko, ang sama-sama kong nanay to let my kids see me that worse.

I keep asking myself. Bakit ba galit na galit ako? And this anger, frustration, I felt like in a snap, I destroyed the safe space I established so hard for my children.

Last night, I hugged my kids. Nagso-sorry lang ako. Humihingi ako ng tawad, paulit-ulit sa mga anak ko at sa asawa ko.

Kulang ang salitang sorry. Kulang ang salitang patawad. Kulang ang yakap at halik dahil takot akong matakot sila sa akin.

Guilt is consuming me. I spent time reflecting on what happened.

Alam kong napaka challenging talaga ng postpartum depression. Pero natanong ko rin sa sarili ko, what am I doing to fight it? What went wrong?

Alam ko namang nagpi-pray ako. Alam ko namang nag-uusap kami ng asawa ko. Alam ko naman na maraming taong tumutulong sa akin. Bakit ang bilis ng panahon pero ang bagal ng paghilom?

Nakakalungkot kasi na may mga tanong, sitwasyon at problemang hindi ko masagot.

Then like lightning, it struck me, it hit me. I am not helping myself at all. Oo, nagpi-pray ako, but am talking to God with all my faith? Kinakausap ko ba siya kasi gusto kong matapos na ito agad-agad?

Hindi Niya ako sine-save eh. Ang dami kong doubts kapag nagpi-pray ako at 'yun ang pinakamali. They say faith should be bigger than your fears. Ito 'yung tama. I-surrender mo lahat ng trust kay God.

Kapag nagku-kwentuhan ba kami ng asawa ko, am I being hontes? Sinasabi ko ba talaga lahat ng mga problema? I could have freed myself from this rage kung noong una pa lang, hindi ako nagtatago sa asawa ko.

Maraming tumutulong sa akin, pero tinutulungan ko ba ang sarili ko? Nakikinig ba ako sa kanila? Sana pala, noong niyayaya nila akong kumain, magluto, at mag-grocery, sumasama ako.

I could have freed myself from this. All that's left to do now, magtiwala ako sa sarili ko na kakayanin ko, maging confident, at magbigay ng oras sa sarili.

Gusto kong bumawi sa posibleng trauma na nadulot nito sa mga anak ko, keeping in mind that they are just 4, 3, and 2 months old. I am determined to transform my mindset, believing, with God's guidance.

And most importantly, I have to accept that as a mother, love often comes with pain and [we have to] embrace that.

I am not ashamed of being imperfect—whatever ugly part of life is also a part of love. It's always true na 'yung love nating mga nanay ay mas malaki sa kahit anong stress sa buhay.

Happy Mother's Day to all those who love more than they could love themselves. For those who give more than they could give themselves.

Edited for spelling, punctuation, grammar, and formatting.

Mayroon ka bang sarili mong #SPConfessions na nais ibahagi sa amin? Ipadala lang kay Sara Palma sa Smart Parenting Village o hindi kaya ay i-email sa amin sa smartparentingsubmissions@gmail.com.

What other parents are reading

#SPConfessions: Paano Maka-Move On Sa Pangangaliwa Kung Hindi Mo Ito Makalimutan?

#SPConfessions: 'Nawala Ang Pagiging Ina Ko'

#SPConfessions: 'There Are Times When My Partner Makes Me Feel Small'

#SPConfessions: Toxic Daw Ako At Iba Pang Dahilan Kung Bakit Nangaliwa Si Hubby