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‘Dedmatology Is Key’: Toxic Statements About Having Another Child And How To Respond
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  • We cannot emphasize enough the importance of having a support system, especially to first-time parents. An anonymous mom posted her ‘rant’ on Smart Parenting Village about the pressures being put on parents about pregnancy. The community was quick to comfort her, and also shared their experiences. They assure her that indeed there is a need to put a stop to these expectations and notions because they are toxic and unhealthy.

    The mom who kept her identity wrote, “Ako lang ba yung naiirita na laging sasabihin sakin “Kailan niyo balak sundan yung anak niyo?” “Magdagdag ka pa ng isa at para may mag-aalaga sa inyo.” 

    “Isipin mo din anak mo, ‘wag puro ikaw at kawawa ‘yan kung mag-isa.”

    “Sundan mo agad para hindi ka back to start. Mahirap pag malayo ang age gap.”

    She went on, saying, “Like srsly? Akala ba ng iba madaling mag-anak? By the way, isa lang ang anak ko kaya every time na tatanungin nila ilang taon na siya, follow-up question na agad nila ung mga stated sa taas. 

    She reveals, her in-laws pose some of these questions to her, but they didn't help her in her first pregnancy.

    Usual statements about having another child and how you can answer them

    “Kailan niyo balak sundan yung anak niyo?”

    This is one of the most common questions that parents are asked, especially when their first-born is already a toddler and they assume that the mom is capable of giving birth again.

    Here’s what you can say instead, as suggested by anonymous mom: 

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    “Wala pa sa isip namin na sundan ang anak namin kasi madaming factors ang kailangang i-consider. Una, mahirap at masakit manganak. Pangalawa, mahirap mag-budget ng mga bilihin. Pangatlo, may pandemya pa. Nag-uusap kami ng partner ko at sinisiguro namin na bago kami mag-anak ulit, kaya namin i-provide yung needs nila kasi kung hindi pa, kawawa din sila. Para sa amin, sa ngayon, one child is enough muna.”

    “Magdagdag ka pa ng isa at para may mag-aalaga sa inyo.” 

    According to anonymous mom, “Lumaki ako na laging sinasabi ng tatay ko na hindi niyo ko kailangang intindihin pag tumanda ako at hindi din ako magpapabigat sa inyo. Pero kahit ganun, willing kami to help and assist him, pero hindi niya kami inobliga na alagaan siya. Same goes to my LO, never ko sinabi na bigyan niya ako ng bahay pag nag-work siya at dapat alagaan niya kami pag tumanda kami.” 

    “Hindi naman lahat ng may maraming anak, inaalagaan ang magulang nila,” she adds.

    Here’s what you can say instead:

    “Wala naman po sa dami ng anak ang assurance na may mag-aalaga sa amin pagtanda namin. At hindi natin kailangang i-obliga ang anak na alagaan ang magulang pagtanda nila. Hindi po ito sapat na rason para magdagdag ng isa pang anak.”

    “Isipin mo din anak mo. ‘Wag puro ikaw at kawawa ‘yan kung mag-isa.”  

    Anonymous mom says, this was an actual question that someone asked her. And her reply was along these lines: 

    “Totoong hindi madali maging isang nanay lalo na at mag-alaga ng sanggol. Pero hindi ibig sabihin na makasarili ako kung inuuna kong isipin ang magiging sitwasyon ko kung mag-anak ako ng isa pa, at mag-back to zero ulit ako ng karga, puyat, at pagod sa pag-aalaga ng sanggol. Mas kawawa ang bata kung emotionally, physically, at financially hindi kami prepared na mga magulang niya.”

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    “Sundan mo agad para di ka back to start. Mahirap pag malayo ang age gap.” 

    She says, “Naranasan ko noong pagkapanganak ko sa unang baby ko na ako lang at walang tumulong sa akin. Naiinis ako sa mga nag-sa-suggest sa akin na hindi naman nila alam kung paano maging nanay nang walang katulong. Need mo maging okay, kahit masakit ang katawan mo, naglalagas ang buhok mo, dinudugo ka. Gusto mo maiyak pero no choice ka kasi need mo alagaan ang baby mo.” 

    Here's what you can reply instead: “Sisiguraduhin ko po muna na pag manganak ako ulit, handa kami ni partner, at mayroon akong magiging katuwang pagkapanganak. Madaming kailangang isipin at paghandaan para maging okay kami ni baby pagdating ng panahong iyon.” 

    What other parents say 

    In the comment section, parents were quick to support anonymous mom’s sentiments. 

    'People should respect our choices'

    Mommy Lhai Berou said she can totally relate to anonymous mom, and even shared her checklist, "I need to be 1. financially capable; 2. physically- ; 3. mentally- ; and 4. emotionally-ready. 

    I will not add another one kung hindi na-satisfy lahat yan. Also, I will never be swayed by anyone in our family. In my situation it's quite challenging, exhausting and sometimes mentally draining. So please people, we should really learn to respect other people's choices.” 

    'At the end of the day, it's your decision'

    Mommy Jxhel Mendoza Llagas, who’s mother is an only child, has this to say, “May tama din naman yung iba. Napakahirap ng walang kapatid, mama ko nag-iisang anak. Kita ko yung sakripisyo niya at pagtitiis kapag may problema sya. Wala siyang kapatid na matakbuhan, makausap, makaramay. Sobrang hirap nga naman ng ganun, kaya kaming magkakapatid 5 girls kami, bumawi talaga sya saming mga anak niya ayaw niya daw ng only child dahil malungkot at mahirap talaga. 

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    Pero at the end of the day, desisyon mo talaga yan. Ako mula sa first born ko, ako naman din lahat nag-alaga kahit kapapanganak ko lang, yung mister ko kasi wala pang kalahating buwan nagsstay after ko manganak and mahirap talaga. Pero kinaya naman, at kaya naman talaga namin, syempre gusto din naming mag asawa na di lang one child. Kaya kung ikaw, isang anak lang gusto mo, desisyon mo naman yan, at walang masama dun. ‘Wag mo silang pansinin.” 

    'Dedmatology is the key'

    Sabi naman ni Mommy Jovil Sta. Rosa Carullo, “Dedmatology is the key. Original plan namin ni husband is 2 kids but pandemic came, and na-cancel muna ang planong sundan si LO. We have to think about our child's future, especially ang hirap gumalaw na may maliit na anak. Normal naman na magtanong ang relatives kung kelan ba namin sya balak sundan pero pag nasagot na namin, end of discussion na.  
    Basta kayong 2 ng asawa mo ang nagdesisyon, walang problema.” 

    'Wag magpaapekto sa sinasabi nila'

    Mommy Naj Fernandine said it best, people will always have something to say whether you have one child or multiple children. Just ignore them. After all, the decision is with you and your partner.

    "Ang mga tao kapag isa lang anak ko, sasabihin dagdagan. Kapag dalawa na, uy isa pa uli. Pag madami, sasabihin, "Ano ba yan, anak ng anak." Wala ka talagang kalulugaran. Kaya whatever man decision nyo, if susundan or hindi, wag kang magpapaapekto sa sinasabi ng iba. Ako sinasagot ko ng mahal ang bumuhay ng anak ngayon. Tuition fee palang gapang na."

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    Here are the words you need to tell pregnant moms.

    What other parents are reading

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