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'Naaawa Ako Sa Anak Ko'—A Mom's Letter To The Baby She Neglected Because Of Postpartum Depression

"For three months I was at my worst and I was consumed by my nightmares."
PHOTO BYADOBE STOCK

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TW: Death

Dear Avery,

As you turn one, I have these thoughts in my mind. A mix of guilt, and joy.

When you were a newborn baby, postpartum blues hit me hard. I didn’t like you. I planned to send you back sa Pinas para sila nalang mag-alaga sayo at kunin nalang kita 'pag okay na ako.

I wasn’t in my right mind. There was even a time na sabi 'ko, gusto ko na mamatay dahil ayaw ko na mabuhay. Umaga palang, pagod na ako, walang tulog, walang matinong kain at pahinga—I only wanted to die because I couldn't take care of you.

'Noon, gusto kong mamatay. Ngayon, hindi na ako mabubuhay 'pag wala ka.'

Mom is guilty but please know, Avery, that mommy loves you so much, anak! And I am sorry.

Even marriage namin at risk, I’m blessed that my your Dad kept me going, siya lang lagi nag-aalaga sayo, baby. Siya lang ang nagmamahal sa kaniya. Ako, ang gusto ko lang mamatay sa mga panahon na yun.

But God was so good to the three of us. God has always been so good to our little family.

I started to see kung gaano minamahal ng asawa ko ang baby namin, that was the only time I came to my senses and I started to see our Avery—na kawawa siya kasi wala sa tamang disposition ang mommy niya. Naawa ako sa anak ko, for three months I was at my worst and I was consumed by my nightmares. I was so guilty of those thoughts and deeds na ginawa ko sa mag-ama ko, especially sa anak ko.

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The anonymous OFW mom who sent this letter now enjoys being a mom to her almost one-year-old baby.
PHOTO BY SMART PARENTING SUBMISSIONS

Praise God napaglabanan ko ang work ng devil. Praise God pinili kong maging mabuting ina tulad ng pagiging mabuting ama at asawa ng Daddy mo. 

Hindi biro ang postpartum depression. Kung mahina ka, kakainin ka lang at unti-unti kang mawawala. 

As of now, I still have guilt. Habang buhay ko nang reminder 'yun para mas mahalin at alagaan pa kita at mahalin ng sobra-sobra! Ngayon, hindi na ako makatulog nang hindi kita kayakap. Noon, gusto kong mamatay. Ngayon, hindi na ako mabubuhay pag wala ka.

Avery, you are my greatest joy! You are the most precious gift to our marriage.

Love,

Mom

If you or someone you know exhibits symptoms of postpartum depression, please seek professional help. Read this article to know more about postpartum depression.


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