Iza Calzado: Motherhood In Her Own Time, On Her Own Terms

As May 10 comes around, Iza Calzado is set to celebrate three years of the “beautiful, chaotic mess” that is motherhood. “Chaotic na nga, mess pa?” she laughs. “It is, ’di ba? It’s a beautiful chaos of sorts.”

As Smart Parenting sits down with Iza, we see a woman in her absolute prime. At 43, the award-winning actress, women's empowerment and mental health advocate, and podcast host has always been busy. Add her most important titles to date—wife to tech founder and CEO Ben Wintle and mom to three-year-old Deia Amihan—into the mix, and Iza’s life has been a different kind of busy these days.

“In the wise words of makeup artist extraordinaire, Lala Flores, sabi niya nu’ng pagkapanganak ko, ‘No day is the same.’ Totoo nga pala,” Iza says.

Now that Deia is a “threenager,” Iza feels this in her core. As an artist, she can blow everyone away with her depth in acting; and as the co-founder of She Talks Asia and podcast host on Between Us with Iza and Ben, she can command any room with her presence. But Iza has met her match. 

“Oh my God, this is the most demanding client!” she laughs. “I was on Kylie Verzosa’s podcast, and she asked, ‘ABS-CBN days or GMA days?’ I said, ‘Deia days’ because I’m now tied to the most important network. The Deia network.”

The newness of being a mom has continued to challenge Iza in ways she’s never experienced before, and she’s not above admitting that she doesn’t always have it all together—despite what you may see online.

“I had a friend tell me, ‘You make it look effortless.’ You see my feed, it seems like ‘She’s killing it.’ [But] I’m not even trying to make it look effortless. I’m just not going on Instagram and suddenly tell you, ‘Lunud na lunod na ako!’” she laughs.

Such is mom life, yet the Iza of today wouldn’t trade this for anything else. Even if the Iza of yesteryears may beg to differ.

“I grew up in a rather unstable environment,” Iza begins. She recalls her father, Lito, was warm and loving, but he was always working; while her mother, Mary Ann, “wasn’t exactly there,” even if she was at home.

Iza does remember the good things—cooking with her mom, admiring her mother’s capsule wardrobe (before “capsule wardrobe” was even coined as a term), and going on family trips to Laguna or to her mom’s hometown in Bicol—but she’s always been open about discussing the not-so-good, too.

She remembers Mary Ann being called neurotic and manic depressive until she was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the late ’90s after moving to the U.S. 

When she was 19, her mother passed away. Many years later, Iza finally shared the truth that her mom had succumbed to depression.

“I was so shaken,” Iza shares. “My mother had a mental health condition, and I lost her in a rather tragic way. [It was] very sudden. I was too young to really take it all in. I have good memories, but also really painful ones.”

Iza grew rebellious, preferring to “escape” their home as a teen. It was Mary Ann’s death that woke Iza up in a way that changed her life’s trajectory. It was then she started building her career in show business. “I learned to kind of clean up my mess a bit,” she says. “Be more focused on something—have goals, and work towards them—and be better.”

Iza eventually garnered critical acclaim as a performer, tirelessly building her body of work on TV, film, and theater from her early 20s throughout her 30s. This also became “the best reason” not to have a child.

“You have me in all of my previous interviews, it’s all on record, you’ll see how uncomfortable—defensive, even—I’d get whenever motherhood would be brought up,” she admits. Understandably so, “[Because] if that’s what your experience of what a mother was like, parang katakot. [In] the back of my head, I’m thinking, I might be like her. I was scared.”

She remembers being fearful of the responsibility of raising a human being, of passing on “certain things” to her child, and of dealing with changes in her body, among many other things.

Then along came Deia.

“The fear of a lot of things still exists, but the love that we have for Deia trumps all that fear,” Iza says.

“When I see my daughter, I mostly see me, but I see Iza in her eyes. I’m overfilled with love and joy every time I see Deia,” Ben adds. “I knew it was coming, but you only really know when you experience it.”

“I really didn’t know what was coming,” Iza continues. “Sabi nila ‘terrible twos,’ and I’m like, ‘Two is great!’ Now, [she’s] three, I’m like, ‘Ay, ito na siya! Ito na ’yung exciting part.”

As Deia enters her precocious years, Iza and Ben relish this phase as much as they can. “Ang hirap talking about this without being, like, feel na feel lang na nanay, ’di ba? [But] she’s an amazing child,” Iza says. “I’m very blessed. I’m grateful because she’s above and beyond what any parent could ask for. Hindi siya mahirap mahalin. Oh my God, there is so much to love!”

The couple reveals that Deia is already exhibiting bits of their personalities, with some of their stronger traits already manifesting in her. She gets her expressiveness and kengkoy-ness from Iza, her “negotiation skills” from Ben, and her strong-willedness from them both.

Iza also reveals that Deia is currently in her possessive stage and has started setting boundaries. “Until now naman, she’s very jolly, very open…” she shares. “But, now, she’s clingy. Super! And I’m loving it. Of course, at home, [ang] sarap, but may kapalit ’yan, eh—sasama talaga sa lahat.”

Growing up with a mom who people want to take photos with while they’re out together, it’s been quite an adjustment for Iza and Deia. “It’s been several months since she started really getting upset because ‘mama’s mine.’ She’s in her possessive stage,” Iza shares. “I was hoping it was just a mood swing, but it’s been pretty consistent. But this is where she’s at, and I have to respect that. I also just try to make her understand that this is mama’s job. And thank you to the people who have been very understanding thus far.”

It’s been a surprising challenge, but Iza is just grateful that Deia is learning to communicate well. “When she’s happy, she’s happy. When she doesn’t want something, she really expresses it. I like that she feels safe enough to be able to say and show what she feels inside.”

And If there’s anything Iza and Ben wish for their daughter to fondly remember about her childhood, it’s that it’s been filled with love, fun, and adventure.

While Iza is the more animated storyteller, Ben is the calmer, more grounded figure in parenthood. As the primary caregiver, Iza takes parental self-regulation seriously while Ben co-regulates with her. Together, they complement each other in raising Deia.

“It’s really a dance. Parang cha-cha siya sa’min,” she shares of their parenting. “Give and take. Different strengths, different weaknesses,” Iza shares. “So maganda rin ’yung timpla ng nakikita ni Deia [sa amin]. Buti na lang, lagi siyang kalmado ’pag ako ’yung stressed. ’Di masyado na-fi-feel [ni Deia] na stressed [ako].”

Iza wasn’t surprised with Ben, either. She knew he would be a great dad. She, however, is self-aware enough to admit that she prefers to steer the ship. “I’m part of the problem,” she laughs. “Competent naman siya; kailangan [ko] lang ibigay sa kanya ’yung chance to step up.” And when she does, Ben shows up.

While they both came in blind, they’re both intuitively learning from each other as they go. “I’ve always been myself, and Ben has always been himself. Ever since naman, kilala na niya ako. Ang tagal na din namin magkasama, but [raising a child] is a new challenge for any couple. It’s been a challenge, but a privilege.”

It’s when Iza encounters the challenges of motherhood that she understands just how amazing her own mother was. “With the years of experience that have led to this point, I’ve had to learn how to forgive—not just my parents, but myself as well,” Iza contemplates.

With her new lenses as a mother herself, she only hopes to take the better parts of her life and focus on being the best version of herself for Deia.

“[My mom] had all the best knowledge to pass on,” she shares. “She was a great homemaker. Our household was pristine to a fault. Lagi siyang ayos. Ang galing mag-makeup. [Even] her finances, everything was planned because she was a planner. Super [obsessive] kasi [ang] mom ko.”

“I know that there were moments she was trying to teach me, pero hindi kasi consistent. At some point, I was [also] rebelling [na] and ’di na nakikinig. Now, I just think, ‘Wow, she is so amazing. And ‘Gosh, how can I be better at things that I’m not as great at? How do I learn these things so that I can pass them on to Deia in a way that she will actually listen to them and absorb them?”

She looks back on these beautiful and painful parts of her childhood, and humbly admits, “I understand [my mom] a lot more. Ganito pala ’yung dinanas ng mga magulang ko, ng nanay ko. She’s hearing me, and she’s probably just laughing and agreeing.”

After all is said and done, Iza acknowledges her parents the most. “They did a lot of good things, too, because I turned out this way. Sila pa rin ’to. I may call [my upbringing] unstable, dysfunctional, or whatever, but it was still a good home.”

“Not to say I’m a perfect mom, nor do I plan to be, because I don’t want to show Deia that I’m perfect—I want to show her I’m human because I don’t want her to pressure herself to be perfect. There’s so much freedom in that.”

“And because I’m not perfect, I can operate from ‘How do I do better? How can I show up as a version of the mother I would’ve liked my mother to be?’ Because [my mom] wanted to be that mother. Because in her great moments, my God, she was a great mother.” Iza shares through tears.

It’s been quite the healing journey, and one that’s only beginning for Iza. (“Nag-uumpisa pa lang tayo. ’Di pa siya teenager!” she jokes.) “When I’m triggered at any point, it allows me to ask questions and remember to have an honest look at what [the trigger] is bringing up, and make it an opportunity to work on healing from it.”

In her third year as a mother and on Mother’s Day, Iza only wants to celebrate the “tagumpay moments.”

“I think what’s special about [this year] is that Deia’s able to express [herself] more. Before kasi, one-way street, one-way relationship, because she’s not able to reciprocate pa as much. She didn’t have the vocabulary, but the energy was there. It’s always been there. Now, gibang-giba ako.”

Even the simplest things, like a random “Mama, I love you so much,” while sitting at the dinner table, Iza finds all of her worries slipping away. “Napapawi pala talaga lahat ng pagod mo at lahat ng mga fears, anxieties, at worries mo. Life is good.”

Iza enjoys this, how all it takes is for her daughter to look her in the eyes and everything is okay. “Tagumpay! ’Yung [feeling na] I must’ve also done something good, sabi nga sa paborito ni Deia na Sound of Music.”

“I’m just really savoring every moment as much as I can. Pouring as much of myself into this role because tomorrow is never promised,” she says. “Because I lost my mother early, I want to give my all while I’m still alive. I wish for Deia to feel how much I love her and that she always remembers it in her heart.”

“So my job now is to make sure that I pass on that good, and make it better—even the best—for Deia.”

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Produced by the Smart Parenting Team

Editor-in-Chief: Ronna Capili Bonifacio

Asst. Managing Editor/Co-Producer: Em Cruz

Assisted by Hanna Panoringan

Art Director: Yela Lao

Associate Video Director: Ariza Adoptante

Videographer: Jez Villapando

Videographer and Video Editor: Rolando Pingco Jr.

Shoot Assistants: Mack Saburnido, Renier Lance David

Interns: Chyll Cabigan

Social Media: Justine Cruz

Multimedia Producers: Rheyabel Adel, Angel Jose

Associate Publisher: Bettina Santos

Photographs by Pat Dy x Cocoon Studio

Makeup by Mike Lariosa

Hairstyle by Aldrin Sapon

Styling by Kat Cruz and John Karunungan of Styledit Group

Clothes from Mango, Bottega Veneta, H&M (for Iza), Zara, Massimo Dutti (for Ben), and Zara Kids (for Deia)

Special thanks to Illo's Party Trays, Intex Philippines

Shot on location at Manna Resort