In the U.S., it is estimated that one out of every three couples struggle with problems associated with low sexual desire. According to Michele Weiner Davis in her book The Sex-Starved Marriage, a study showed that 20 percent of married couples have sex less than 10 times a year. Complaints about low desire are the number one problem brought to sex therapists.
From sizzle to fizzle: Why does a couple’s sex life change?
In the Philippines, there is no statistical data on this but Randy Dellosa, M.D., psychologist and psychiatrist, and Josie Colmenares-Valderrama, senior marriage counselor from CEFAM (Center for Family Ministries), both agree that it is not uncommon for Filipino couples to suffer from this state, judging from their own counseling experience.
“There are many reasons why a couple’s sex life changes over time,” Dellosa explains. One of the most common reasons for this is the demands of raising a family. Age, physical health, stress level, family history, and priorities all play a role in a couple’s sex life. Colmenares-Valderrama says, “It’s hard to generalize. In the past, you’d hear about low sexual desire among women. But you’ll be surprised. This also applies to more men nowadays.” An example of this is a father who is promoted to a higher level or is pressured at work, and is too tired or stressed out to feel sexual desire.
The anatomy of sexual problems: Mind, body, heart
According to Dellosa, you could break down the reasons for lower sexual desire among married couples into three categories: Psychological (mind), emotional (heart), and physiological (body).
1. Mind
Psychological reasons include stress, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, trauma (especially for those who have a history of sexual abuse), hypoactive sexual desire disorder (the absence of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity), feelings of guilt such as the Madonna syndrome among men who put their mothers on a pedestal (they feel they cannot have sex with someone who is a mother), poor self-esteem or body image, and phobias (one of them being, vagina dentata or fear of vagina with teeth, popularized in movies).
2. Body
Physiological reasons include illnesses like hypothyroidism, side-effects of medication (for hypertension) or birth control pills, side-effects of operations like surgery on the prostate or spinal cord, and the use of alcohol and illegal drugs.
Childbirth and breastfeeding are very common reasons for a woman to have lower sexual desire. According to Denise*, married for four years and mother of one, “Since I gave birth vaginally and I tore my episiotomy stitches, I was so afraid of feeling any more pain down there. I was afraid of tearing again. Now, it’s not the same. My husband and I talk about having sex more regularly, the way we used to before our baby, but it’s just so difficult because I’m breastfeeding and our daughter shares our bed! We’re both so tired all the time after taking care of our baby.”
A woman’s hormones are greatly affected by childbirth and breastfeeding. “Ob-Gynes have to brief married couples about this,” Dellosa says, “Too often, couples don’t understand what’s going on, but it really has to do with a woman’s body adjusting to motherhood. Just because a woman’s episiotomy or C-section wound has healed doesn’t mean she’s ready for sex.” The return of a woman’s healthy sexual desire after childbirth takes a while, and husbands need to show their support and understanding during this period. Dellosa estimates that a woman will take six months to a year to adjust physically. “A couple’s sex life will go through many stages,” Dellosa states, “This round won’t be the end. If you have another child, there would be another adjustment. When your priorities change, when menopause or andropause (the male equivalent of menopause) sets in, expect changes once again.”
3. Heart
Lastly, emotional reasons, like feeling insecure, building up of resentment, pent-up anger, and even fear of getting pregnant, get in the way of a healthy sexual relationship between a couple. When one party feels hurt by the other and doesn’t bring it up, the emotions just keep getting bottled up and translate into less physical contact.
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Sexuality: A facet of intimacy
“Husbands and wives mustn’t forget that they are human beings first,” Colmenares-Valderrama says. “As a human being, you cannot separate your mind, heart, and body. They all go together. For you to be whole or have integrity, you need to address all aspects of your self.” She goes on to explain that sexuality is just one part of the picture. What couples really desire very deeply is intimacy. “Intimacy is a longing to be one with someone, to be completely understood, loved, and appreciated. Sexuality is just one expression of intimacy.”
According to Colmenares-Valderrama, the way you look at your spouse, the way you listen and touch (including hugging and kissing) are all expressions of one’s sexuality. While sexual intercourse may embody sexuality’s fullest expression, it is an event which needs to be preceded by the environment of intimacy. “How can you have sex with someone if you first can’t be close to them? If you can’t talk to them or feel vulnerable with them?” she asks. She cannot emphasize this enough. “Intimacy is the very basic longing of our humanity. Your sexual relationship is just one aspect of it. It becomes more enjoyable when your relationship with your partner is completely transparent and vulnerable. The more things you hide from each other, the more it will not work out.”
Opposites attract: The difference between men and women
When one partner dismisses the other with a flippant “It’s just sex. What’s the big deal?”, trouble is brewing. “A sex-starved marriage,” according to Weiner Davis, “is about... the fall-out that occurs when one spouse is deeply unhappy with his sexual relationship and this unhappiness is ignored, minimized, or dismissed.” Because of the deep hurt that one party feels, they stop spending time together, they stop laughing together, and sooner rather than later, the marriage is at risk for infidelity or separation.
According to Dellosa, a lot of sexual problems occur because one partner wants more sex while the other one withholds it. “It’s ironic because very different personality types (that come with different levels of sexual appetites) usually attract each other. An introvert is naturally drawn to an extrovert. However, later on, they end up noticing how they also differ in wavelength when it comes to sex.”
“Did you know that a man has a linear sexual experience?” asks Colmenares-Valderrama. A man typically follows a straight line of events. First, he gets aroused or experiences desire (by thinking of sex or fantasizing), he then engages in sexual stimulation, he climaxes or ejaculates, and then he’s done. A woman is very different. According to Dr. Lorraine Benuto in her paper on Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder or HSDD, “Because HSDD is extremely common (about one in every three women experiences low sexual desire), the way in which this disorder is understood has been questioned.” This is because a woman experiences sex very differently. She’s non-linear, quite sporadic, in fact. She may not start out thinking or fantasizing about sex but once stimulated, she may become aroused and, in turn, experience desire. During sex, a woman can experience multiple orgasms and still feel turned on or aroused even after a man has climaxed, causing some discrepancy in both partners.
According to Dr. Willard Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage, a couple needs to really understand what goes on physically during sex so that they can help meet each other’s needs. Because a woman takes a while to get stimulated, a husband needs to be more patient with foreplay. A woman also needs to understand her husband’s need to be visually stimulated so she shouldn’t insist on turning off all the lights. After a man ejaculates, he needs to take special care in remembering that his wife might still be aroused and wants to feel closer to him. He can’t just drop off to sleep or turn on the TV to relax.
Sexual enlightenment can happen for one spouse once he learns more about the unique way he experiences pleasure. Melchor*, married for three years, with one child and expecting one more, expresses happiness over his wife’s sexual awareness. “Although, I’ve sometimes wanted sex more often, lately, she has discovered her own sexuality. She has never been more voracious and our sexual flood gates have opened.” Baby*, married for three years with two children, says, “I’ve recently discovered the joys of masturbating and that helped our sex life a lot.”
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The road to sexual healing
According to Dellosa, there’s no surefire formula for resolving sexual problems. When the problem is minor, there might be non-intercourse solutions like oral sex, masturbation, or mutual masturbation that can help a couple along. According to mom, Denise*, lots of lubricant was her solution. However, sometimes, a sexual problem may be a symptom of something deeper. “Passion, commitment (not just obligation but real devotion), and friendship are key ingredients to a healthy relationship,” says Dellosa. When one aspect is suffering, a couple can reinforce the relationship with the other two.”
“A couple needs to nurture their intimacy to set the stage for marital sex,” says Colmenares-Valderrama. “The characteristics of a healthy intimacy are affection, transparency, and safety. A happy sex life is not measured in terms of frequency. You can have a lot of sex, but it wouldn’t mean anything to the marriage. It’s the quality of the sex that counts.”
According to Harley, a couple has to assess all their needs and see which ones are the most important, which ones are satisfied, and which ones are not. He enumerates all the following needs, stating that some may apply more for either the wife or the husband:
*Affection—verbal and nonverbal expressions of love and care which includes kisses, gifts, cards and phone calls.
*Admiration
*Attractiveness (in the spouse)
*Conversation (he recommends at least 15 hours in a week, at least)
*Domestic support (sharing of household chores)
*Family commitment (spending time for family meals, religious services, family projects, and playing with the kids)
*Financial support
*Honesty and openness (this means total honesty, no white lies, protective lies, or omissions)
*Recreational companionship (playing together, engaging in a mutual sport or hobby)
*Sexual fulfillment
Note that sexual fulfillment is one of them. But just like the icing on a cake, sexual fulfillment needs to rest on the solid foundation of all needs completely met. For Mark*, married for four years and a father of one, his solution is pretty simple: “We talk about it.” A key ingredient in getting over a sexual slump is communication, according to both Dellosa and Colmenares-Valderrama. A couple can seek therapy, counseling, or get medication, depending on what is causing the sexual slump. However, if they fail to communicate, then the problem festers.
If a couple has trouble communicating their needs to each other (sexual or non-sexual), they can always seek counseling. “Once there is any kind of pain in the relationship, they should ask for help,” says Colmenares-Valderrama. “Some couples think they know everything there is to know about each other. Or nagpapakiramdaman sila. That won’t work. They have to talk,” says Dellosa. What to expect during a counseling session? Discovering more about one’s self, one’s partner and having an impartial third party to help both parties express themselves without hurting each other.
Patricia*, married for 27 years and mother of five, states that she and her husband first had to acknowledge verbally that there was a “slump.” They discussed what might be causing it (health concerns, physiological changes). Then, they agreed to do something about it (they exercised, took food supplements, and basically addressed all their health issues). For Patricia, “Having sex is always in the context of having fun and being with the one I love so I can fully and unabashedly express that love.”
Lastly, it’s important for couples to understand that sex won’t save their marriage. Intimacy will. A slump in sexual activity is normal in any marriage, and this should be no cause for concern. However, a lack of intimacy is a glaring red flag that needs to be addressed. As mentioned by Dellosa, Colmenares-Valderrama, other authors, and most of the couples who were interviewed for this article, there is no magic formula for intimacy. Cathy*, married for 12 years and mother of three, swears by her weekly dates with her husband. “My husband jotted down our dates on his Palm Pilot and we make a commitment to make them [the dates] happen. It really works!” However, a couple just needs to ensure that intimacy provides the everyday environment to a marriage: long and transparent daily conversations, non-sexual hugs, kisses and cuddles, weekly no-kids-allowed dates, mutual activities, and mutual mindfulness (enjoying the present, not worrying about the past or the future). The sex that stems from such an intimacy is bound to be joyful, playful, life-giving, and abundant.
*Note: The names of the following individuals have been changed to protect their privacy
Photo from sxc.hu
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