The Top 10 Things You Need to Know About Fighting With Your Partner

Fighting with your partner does affect your child. It doesn’t matter if it’s a loud argument or “the silent treatment.” And even if you ask your child to step out of the room, if he could still hear you, it’s just the same as witnessing it firsthand.

Out of consideration for your child, the best way to have discussions with your spouse is “out of sight, and out of hearing.”

If your little one witnesses your fight—whether it’s a shouting match, a heated discussion, or not being on speaking terms (a.k.a. “ignoring each other”)—remember that it’s always best to explain things to him than to pretend nothing happened.


1. First, apologize to your child for letting him witness your fight. Second, explain the issue at a level your child can understand. Use broad explanations only, in a language that’s appropriate to your child’s age.

When explaining, always preserve the child’s respect for your partner (who is, after all, his parent!). Admit that you’re both at fault for having that argument, and that, as parents and adults, you should have discussed the issue in a calmer manner.

Finally, promise that you will resolve things in a better way in the future. Most importantly: Follow through on your promise. Arguing with your partner makes both of you “poor role models for problem solving and conflict resolution” to your child.

Even if you tell him to do what’s right, your example is still what he will follow, and not what you say.

If you feel you need support on this, find seminars that teach conflict resolution skills, or consult with a professional to help you with your specific issues.

 

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2. Very young children experience fear when you fight. It can also cause unresolved identity issues in toddlers.

Even when they cannot understand what you’re saying yet, very young children can still hear the tone and volume of your voice, and are very sensitive to your facial expressions. When you and your partner argue, you are making your child feel fearful and threatened: He will be afraid of losing one or both of you. To him, a fight means you might go away.

In instances where the parents are not on speaking terms, a very young child will not be able to grasp the concept of “the silent treatment.” All he understands is that his parents—the people he loves most—are fighting. So the best thing for you to do is to resolve your problem and end your fight.

A toddler, in particular, is at a sensitive stage where fighting between his parents can cause identity issues that will affect him way into adulthood.

Children at this age naturally feel very close to the opposite sex parent, and subconsciously see their same sex parent as “competition.” In a home where toddlers can clearly see the loving bond between their parents, they resolve this developmental stage in a healthy way by learning that, “If I want Mom to like me (in the case of little boys), then I have to be more like Dad” (and vice versa for daughters).

So the little boy starts imitating his father, and the little girl starts modeling her mother, and they grow up with a healthier bond between their same sex parent and a clearer identity of who they are.

But in families where arguments between the mom and dad are witnessed by the children, this developmental resolution is disrupted; often, the subconscious competition becomes “real.” The little boy begins to think: “I have to protect Mom from Dad; I have to replace him.” He grows up trying to be different from his father. He also feels subconsciously guilty about the bond he has with his mother, and all these factors prevent him from forming healthy relationships when he becomes an adult. (This is also true for little girls.)

At this critical stage, your child really needs to see the stability of your marriage. When he sees that his parents are loving to each other, then he can develop a healthier identity.

 

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3. School-age children experience fear and guilt when you fight.

An older child will have a clearer understanding about the reasons behind his parents’ arguments, but will still feel fearful that one or both parents might abandon him. Moreover, children at this stage are forced to “take sides” in their head (and sometimes, forced to take sides in real life by their fighting parents).


4. It is never right to have to make a child choose which parent he loves more. He will always feel guilty over any choice, and will blame himself if either of his parents leaves.


5. Fighting with your partner can push your adolescent child towards risky behavior.                

Teenage children who witness constant fighting between their parents may go through the same emotional upheaval as younger children. But at their age, they are more likely to “get tired” of the drama, detach themselves from the issue, and go about their own personal agenda.

Usually, this means spending as much time away from the house as they can and subconsciously wanting to “establish their own family” by seeking love and togetherness elsewhere. This often leads to early marriages and unplanned pregnancies among teens.


6. Disagreeing is normal. Fighting is not.

Alice Boyes, M.D., clinical psychologist says, “Even in good relationships, 70 percent of relationship problems never get solved. Most relationship issues are the kind that need to be worked around rather than solved.”

“For partners, to have different opinions is expected,” agrees marital counselor Lucille Montes, Ph.D., M.D. “It’s normal not to agree on everything. But it’s not normal to be arguing all the time. It’s fighting that’s not okay.”

Remember that a lot can be accomplished by ignoring unimportant things, reminding each other lovingly, and talking things out. Save your explicit negative reactions for the really few obviously wrong situations that need to be addressed.

If you have to “argue,” argue about the really important issues only (hint: important issues are the kind that will still have a negative effect on your relationship 20 years from now), and do it out of sight and out of hearing of your children.

 

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7. You can keep yourself from “fighting.”

Smart parents are those who can accept two things:

First, there is no best way to argue in front of your kids. And second, you can keep a fight from happening (or escalating); you’re in control of your mouth and your body, after all.

Moreover, responsible smart parents are those who make the decision to master two things:

One, they learn to control their emotions (and not let it control them), so that when they start becoming aware of a potential “argument situation,” they can take it upon themselves not to engage.

And two, they develop the essential skill of “diplomatic problem solving.” They are mature adults who are able to sit down, talk about their problem, and come up with a win-win solution. They don’t need to “fight,” because they know nothing can be gained by “trying to prove themselves right.”

“There are always three entities in a marriage,” says women’s relationships coach Aileen Santos. “There’s you, there’s your partner, and there’s your marriage. When it comes to arguments, you both need to make sure that it’s your marriage that ‘wins’ the argument. Because if either one of you ‘win,’ then you both lose, and your marriage suffers.”

“Some couples need to get rid of this belief that it’s impossible not to argue,” says Dr. Montes. “You are in control of yourself. You can decide to engage or disengage. You cannot control your partner, but you can control yourself.”


8. Frequent fights mean there’s an underlying cause.                                            

If you find yourself having frequent fights with your partner, get down to the root of your arguments and address it once and for all. This might mean you’ll need to seek professional guidance to help you spot this underlying cause and resolve it, but isn’t your family worth it?

A home with frequent arguments is not a home. Frequent arguments should make you feel uncomfortable enough to seek help. If not, they could become bad habits, and create a fixed (but unhealthy) pattern of interaction between you and your spouse (which will also be copied by your kids).

For example, you could develop the habit of “being defensive.” Even when your partner makes an innocent remark, you already react as if he were attacking you. Or you could develop the habit of “competing.” If your partner complains about his bad day, you always find yourself ready to “outscore” him with an even bigger complaint about your day.

None of these patterns contribute to a healthy family, so find the root cause and address them!

 

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9. There are only two kinds of conflicts between spouses.   

In his book, Parent Effectiveness Training, Thomas Gordon says there are only two kinds of conflicts:

Conflicts of Needs are those disagreements that have to do with allocation of resources like time and money. Examples include: Who does which chores? Whose parents’ house do we spend which holidays in? How do we set a good working budget? With effective discussion and compromise, these conflicts are relatively easy to solve.

Conflicts of Values are those disagreements that have to do with partners’ different beliefs and preferences. These disagreements can be as small as choosing which kind of music to listen to, what to do on the weekends, or how to decorate the house. But they can also be big issues such as: A wife thinks it’s okay for her to spend time in the company of her male friends, but her husband says it’s improper for a married woman to do this.

Unless it’s clearly a moral issue (like infidelity), most of these conflicts have no clear-cut right or wrong answers, and can be more difficult to resolve without professional help.


10. The way you resolve conflicts with your spouse teaches your child the way he will resolve conflicts in his own life.

Smart parents can follow these six steps for good conflict resolution:

First, really listen to the other person. Without judgment, find out what his concerns are. Ask him what he needs, and be truly willing to accept his opinions.

Then, ask your partner to just listen (because you need him to, and it would really help you a lot), and express your own opinions. It would be most helpful if you use words and statements that clearly show him you are not attacking him or blaming him for your frustrations.

Both of you should then agree to identify the problem. Ask yourselves: What are we disagreeing about?
Instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” you can label your disagreement as “a problem with sharing chores.” Instead of him saying, “You are too sensitive,” you can agree that you are having a “miscommunication problem.” Instead of saying, “You can’t keep a good job and you’re a business failure,” you can both realize that you have “a financial problem.”

When you stop labeling each other as “the problem” and see the problem objectively like “a third party,” then you can both remember that you and your spouse are a team. As a team, you can more easily work together to brainstorm solutions that will solve your problem.

Choose a solution that’s acceptable to both of you. You may also choose several solutions, and call them Plan A and Plan B (and so on).

Finally, implement the solution, and check on how you can still help each other in defeating your problem.

Don’t aim for “less fights.” Instead, aim for “more love” in your home.    

Your vision for your family should be one that is “loving.” The kind that will nurture loving and secure children; the kind that your kids would love to come home to (and even bring their friends along).

Instead of focusing on the arguments, focus instead on how you can establish a loving and caring atmosphere.

Remember that a huge part of loving is listening and understanding, and being more accepting. After all, no one is perfect: not your partner, and most certainly not you—but you can choose to love each other anyway.