The Power of Words: Why We Must Watch What We Say to Our Kids

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me!”

Most of us have probably come across this phrase at least once in our lifetime, and some of us may have even taught it to our children during conversations about bullies in school and/or in the neighborhood. A number of us may even take pride in the fact that we can withstand any “verbal assaults” that may come our way by letting the words go through one ear and out the other. Those who are able to do this and not be bothered at all are, in a way, truly blessed, as this indicates a relatively healthy self-image and level of self-esteem.

However, this is not usually the case for our young children, who are at a very impressionable and sensitive stage in their lives. What we say can and will have an impact on their development, whether we realize it or not, whether we like it or not.

Karen Stephens, director of the Illinois State University Child Care Center and author of the book The Child Care Professional, wrote about how the careful choice of words protects self-esteem in her parenting column. She emphasized:

• “Children take words to heart, especially from the adults they love.”
• “Children want and need to believe what their parents say about them. It’s our responsibility to give them something worth believing.”
• “The verbal and nonverbal tone at home… and school has a direct impact on how well a child regards him or herself.”
• “The resulting self-esteem will affect relationships in school, work, marriage, parenting, and even grandparenting.” (writer’s note: Shocking, isn’t it?)

Stephens goes on to say that parents who wish to raise proud, confident, and responsible kids should “learn how to prevent damage to (their) children’s mental health.” Through our behavior and speech, we communicate to our children the boundaries of their potential.

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Catholic Filipino lay preacher and author Bo Sanchez is another advocate of “programming” one’s life and influencing the lives of others through one’s thoughts and words. He even wrote an entire book about it titled How Your Words Can Change Your World. In Chapter 24, he specifically addresses parents: “If you don’t tell your kids who they are and what their destiny is, someone else will.”

Sanchez expounds his message:

“You can shape the destiny of your children, of your friends, of your loved ones by your words.

Remember, if you don't tell your kids who they are and what their destiny is, someone else will. The television will tell them. The Internet will tell them. Bullies in school will tell them.

Don't let that happen. Honor your kids!”

On a related note, Dr. Susan Smalley, Ph.D., Professor Emeritus at the Department of Psychiatry and Biobehavioral Sciences at UCLA, wrote in an article for The Huffington Post about how words are “alive”. Titled The Power of Words, it explains that words spoken 3,000 years ago that were written down and passed through many generations may still seem quite “alive” when read or spoken today, “having lived 3,000 years.” We don’t have to look far to prove this — just look at historical texts like the Bible or the Koran, which date back to hundreds, if not thousands of years.

Having established the connection between the words we use and the impact it can have on others, what can we, as parents, do now to make sure our words “give life”?

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Here are some useful tips from Dr. Melodee Loshbaugh, Ed.D., educator and co-founder and executive director of Brock’s Academy in the U.S.:

1. If you suspect that your child is hearing negative messages (i.e. exposed to words that may harm them), address the concern and remove your child from the environment (e.g. school, playground, peer group, etc.) if necessary.

2. As parents, we must model the language our children deserve. Dr. Loshbaugh says that if you are not accustomed to using your words as “energy and power,” you may want to experiment a bit with them. For example, try giving your child a heartfelt compliment or praising his extra effort for completing a chore.

While speaking words of encouragement, try to observe your child’s physical reaction — most likely, his eyes will light up and his body, “perk up.”

3. Take extra effort to positively influence your child with words on a regular basis:

• When they get a good score on a test or a written assignment, congratulate them verbally and give them an accompanying hug or pat on the back. This helps boost their confidence.
• Help them have a healthy sense of self-worth by letting them know how much you value them, and how they have enriched your life.
• Speak encouraging words to them and promote their self-esteem. Motivate them to reach for their dreams and goals in life.
• Use words that will help establish a trusting relationship between you and your child — and always “stick to your word.” If you say you will do something, do it — follow through with whatever you say.
• Tell your children, even from an early age, that they can always come to you. Listen to what they have to say, even if it seems “mundane” or “unimportant.”
• Teach your children that it is okay to mess up by modeling understanding and forgiveness to them.

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Assure them that your love for them is unconditional. Whenever they make mistakes, talk about the situation or problem with them so they can see what they could have done differently to avoid such mistakes in the future.

At the end of the day, we all know that there may be times when we will fail our children — when we will say the wrong words or model the wrong behavior; when we will speak in uncontrolled anger and hurt their feelings. After all, we ourselves are still works in progress.

However, this does not excuse the fact that we need to heighten our awareness and increase our sensitivity when it comes to the words we say (and the things we do). Let’s choose to use our words (and actions) well, especially for the betterment of our children. In the words of Taylor Swift:

“Words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together. I hope you use yours for good, because the only words you'll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone.”

Sources:
http://www.oh-pin.org/
How Your Words Can Change Your World by Bo Sanchez  
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-smalley/the-power-of-words_b_81918.html
http://brocksacademy.com/

Photo by David Hanson Ong