Family Reunions: 6 Awkward Situations and How to Deal

During the holidays, family reunions are as common as queso de bola and Kris Kringle. While some kids look forward to such get-togethers, others dread them because they might find themselves in uncomfortable situations. Here are some that you might catch yourselves in—and  expert advice on how to best handle them.

Situation #1: Performance anxiety
“An adult relative usually starts a conversation by asking how my kids are doing in school, kung matataas ba ang grades nila...” confides Anna Sison, stay-at-home mom to Sasha, 6, and Ben, 4. “Then she’d tell my kids, ‘Show us what you learned in school,’ and ask them to dance or sing.”

It’s already awkward if your child is too shy to perform, how much more if her bibo cousin readily goes up front and busts a move? “Then I’d start hearing things like ‘Ay, Sasha, mas magaling pala si Jen sa iyo,’ or worse, ‘Anti-social yata ang anak mo!’ I get so defensive because I know they are untrue,” Anna confesses.

What to do:
Psychiatrist Maria Elena Del Mundo-Nepomuceno, M.D., advises: “You can smile or laugh to let your child know that it’s not a big deal if she doesn’t want to perform. You can encourage your kid simply by asking her if she wants to perform. If she refuses, you could prod her gently. But once she begins to get anxious and tearful, then immediately reassure your child that it is okay if she decides not to. Never let your little one feel bad if she doesn’t want to perform.”

Situation #2:  Petty fights
“I never know what to do when my child comes crying to me because his cousin doesn’t want to lend him a toy. His cousin’s parents don’t do anything about it either. I don’t want to start an argument with my relatives, so I usually just try to distract my child with another toy,” says Giselle Panganiban, a computer programmer and mom to Antonio, 6. “But doesn’t that teach the kids that it’s okay not to share?”

What to do:
Grace Macapagal, M.D., a medical specialist in the child neuroscience division of the Philippine Children’s Medical Center in Quezon City, says: “The best thing to do is to confiscate the toy, and let the two kids talk about how they can play without having to fight over it. That way, you develop their ability to share as well as their patience in waiting one’s turn. If you are able to manage a simple squabble such as this on your own, then there’s no need to involve the other parents. You can just update them when the opportunity presents itself.”

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Situation #3: Compare and contrast
“Hay naku! If I hear a relative tell me one more time, ‘Ay, bakit parang mas maitim ang anak mo kaysa sa pinsan niya?’ as if there is something wrong with being morena, I’m going to lose it!” rants Honey de Jesus, a certified public accountant and mom to Anika, 7.      

It’s easy to just shrug off such a remark if it were addressed only to the parent, but what if your child hears it herself? Do you assure her by saying “Don’t listen to Tita. You’re as pretty as your cousin”? “I want to tell my aunt to put a lid on it, but that would be disrespectful, of course,” fumes Honey.

What to do:
Dr. Del Mundo-Nepomuceno says: “The ideal thing to do is to shower your child with affection during this time. Doing so can help negate whatever undesirable effect her tita’s tactless comment had. For instance, you can whisper to your child something like ‘You’re my pretty angel.’           

“Never tell your child that she is prettier than her cousin (whether or not this is true), as it will sow seeds of jealousy and insecurity, and when she gets older, she will begin to see that there are other girls who are indeed prettier than her.”

Situation #4:  So sorry... not!
“I’ve been on both ends many times: Either my kid accidentally hurts someone and refuses to apologize, or he’s the one who got hurt and the other kid does not want to apologize,” admits Andi Reyes, a call-center operator and mom to Jaime, 6. “I’ve brushed off both instances as kids just being kids because after a few minutes, they act like nothing happened. Is this the right thing to do?”

What to do:
Dr. Del Mundo-Nepomuceno explains: “Saying sorry is not easy for every child, but it is important for kids to know when they have gone beyond the boundaries of normal child play. Children need to be aware that some of their actions can be hurtful because, most of the time, they don’t realize that they already are becoming too aggressive.        

“It’s thus very important for parents to teach their kids to apologize. When the child involved refuses to say sorry and his parents apologize for him instead, do accept the apology. The parents of the offender should also talk to their child about the importance of saying sorry.
    
“If the parents of the offender refuse or ‘forget’ to apologize, one option is to politely inform them that their child owes your little one an apology. If they refuse and insist that their child is innocent, then I would probably just hold my tongue and turn away, and later explain to my child that there are people who just don’t know how to apologize. What’s important is for the parents to explain to the child the right thing to do in that kind of situation.”

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Situation #5:  The bad influence
“I love my nephew, but I cringe every time he and my son play together!” says Jocelyn Ampil, stay-at-home mom to Joven, 6. “My nephew says cuss words, doesn’t practice good table manners, and gets things without asking. I worry that his bad manners will rub off on my son. I’m tempted to confront his parents and ask them what they’re teaching him at home!”

What to do:
Dr. Del Mundo-Nepomuceno says: “Children this age learn mostly by imitation or modeling, so you are right in worrying about your child picking up his cousin’s bad habits. When this happens, you should point out to your child that such behavior is unacceptable. Negative behavior usually persists only when left unchecked, so adequate discipline is very important. Keep in mind that a loving and supportive parent will exert more influence on the child than a cousin whom the child sees only during family reunions. Parents are the best models of positive attitude and behavior.”

Situation #6:  Young love
“I nearly had a heart attack when my daughter once approached me and told me that her cousin Kuya Christian is so guapo, that he is her boyfriend, and that she would like to marry him when she grows up. She’s just six years old!” gasps Analyn Selmo, stay-at-home mom to Jennie.

What to do:
Dr. Del Mundo-Nepomuceno advises: “In this case, berating your child is out of the question. Laughing at her will also make her feel ashamed. “First, acknowledge your child’s comment by saying ‘Oh, what do you mean by that? What is a boyfriend?’ This way, you can find out the extent of the child’s understanding of these words.     

“Generally, thoughts about romance and marriage are transient at this age and are not used in the same context that teenagers or adults use, so you need not worry. Tell your child that she has to complete school first because romance and marriage are for grown-ups who have already finished school and are working. I wouldn’t talk about the taboos of incestual relationships between cousins just yet, since the assumption is that, at six years old, her understanding of love and marriage is usually related to the good feelings she has while playing with her cousin.      
“But if your child says that a boyfriend is someone to kiss and get naked with, then sound the alarm! It is possible that someone is feeding your child sexual information that is meant to be playful and harmless but is nonetheless confusing to her. If this is the case, you should casually check with your child where she got such information. Ask what she understands about those words, and find out if someone has asked her to try such things.”

The reason for the reunion
“Family reunions are supposed to be joyous gatherings where family members can feel secure and accepted,” says Grace Macapagal, M.D. “As long as we keep in mind the reason why we hold these reunions in the first place—a time for families to bond and renew emotional ties—children subsequently will learn to look forward to them and not react with dread.”

Avoiding tricky situations
Indeed, family reunions are a minefield of sticky social situations, but there are ways to minimize such occurrences. Dr. Del Mundo-Nepomuceno, M.D., gives some advice.

• For dealing with anxieties of command performances:
“One mother I know encourages her daughters to prepare a song or dance number before the reunion in case they decide to perform. If her children are anxious about performing on the day of the party, she calms them down by saying, ‘It is up to you if you’d still like to dance.’ She leaves the decision to them.”

• For dealing with unruly cousins:
“Tell your child beforehand that cousin X might be there and ask him if he remembers what happened during the last reunion. If your child expresses concern about that particular cousin’s presence, reassure your child that you would be watching him closely at the party. Instruct your kid to immediately approach you in case cousin X misbehaves.
   
“Talking to the parent of the ‘unruly’ child would be all right if both parents are on good terms and understand that kids are just being kids when they fight. Both sets of parents can agree to intervene immediately once a fight ensues.”

 

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