Amazing Grace: The Healing Power of Forgiveness

Nothing in the world could have prepared me for my husband’s sudden and unexpected confession of infidelity.

It happened one night last July. I was doing my usual reading before bed, and he walked into our bedroom after spending a significant time alone in the living room. He sat on the bed, took my hand and said he needed to talk to me. He told me that he was scared because that might be the last time that he would get to hold my hand.

Right then and there, I knew. In my mind, I knew who the girl was even before he said her name. All of a sudden, I seemed to recall the numerous instances where things seemed amiss. And yet, looking back on that night, even if the signs had flashed before me moments before he started to speak, even if someone came to me beforehand to warn me, I still would not have been prepared for that moment. Nothing and no one in the world could have prepared me for the truth that my long-time boyfriend, my new husband and the father of my child had cheated on me.

He was my boyfriend for 12 years before we decided to finally tie the knot. At the time of his infidelity, we had just gotten married. That was actually one of the hardest truths I had to swallow. We had spent a good twelve years together as a couple, and a tough but happy five years together as parents. And then, after only three weeks as my husband, he was already breaking my heart in the most cruel, unimaginable way.

She was his officemate. She knew of my existence. She had played with my child in their office before. I was so angry at her. I was so disappointed in him. I was devastated, but I knew I needed to be strong. I promised myself that in the morning, my son would not know that something was wrong. I didn’t want anyone to see that we were going through a crisis. I chose this not because I was in denial, but because deep down, I knew I wanted to protect my husband and our marriage. Enough damage had been done.

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I found out about it almost a year after it had begun because he chose to tell me. He probably came forward because the guilt became too much to bear. It was likely that he wanted me to hear it from him and not someone else. Based on his stories, his relationship with her had gone sour and she was threatening to tell me what was going on. Whatever the reason, he chose to confess. He said he wanted to come clean and make things right. His friends thought that he might be a little bit crazy. From my point of view, it meant that there was hope.

He answered all of my questions, and I did ask a lot of them. I wanted to know the whole story even if it hurt, because I wanted to understand. For a long time, I tortured myself thinking about what I had done wrong and what I could have done to prevent the whole situation from happening. After the dust had settled and the stories had been told, I learned to accept that there was nothing I could do to change things, and all my thinking wouldn’t amount to anything. So I decided to focus instead on what I learned from our experience and what I could to do to make things better.

I learned to listen. Before all of this, I would go into arguments with the intention of fighting, of speaking my mind and of driving my point across. I admit I still do this sometimes, but over the last few months, I learned to stop and try to see things from the other side as well. Having arguments now no longer feels like walking into a warzone, and the goal now is to resolve things, not to win.

I learned to appreciate our time together as a couple. I used to be a workaholic, and there were times when my husband would want to watch TV together or go on a date, but I’d be too tired. There were many instances where I prioritized my duties as a mom over my responsibilities as a wife. I realize now that maybe he needed someone to be by his side, and because I was too busy or too occupied, someone else took my place.

I also learned to remember that we are a team. This, for me, was the most important realization that came out of this whole fiasco, and the biggest reason why only a handful of people know of what happened. We had to deal with it together, without others meddling.

Most importantly, I learned to forgive. I turned to prayer for guidance, and held on to what our priest told us during our canonical interview — that after we were married, we could get through anything. And so far we’ve managed to do just that.

It’s still tough. I still get sad and feel afraid. There are days when it’s hard to put my trust in my husband, and times when it’s hard to trust that things will work out. But I hope and I pray. And somehow, things get better everyday.

Image from memecreator.com