Are You A Gatekeeper Mom?

Leah*, mom to a 14-month-old daughter, admits to being praning when it comes to her child. She says she even finds it difficult to leave her kid alone with her husband for long periods of time. “I can’t help it! I’m always worried that something bad might happen to Ashley* when I’m not around.” To date, Leah still hasn’t been able to leave the house without her baby or go on a date alone with her husband since she gave birth. “I have no one trustworthy enough to leave my baby with!” she reasons out.

She confessed that her fears are rooted on a bad childhood experience when her mom went out on a date with her girl friends. “My one-year-old baby brother fell down a long flight of stairs because our dad forgot to close the safety gate. I can still remember the horror I felt as I watched Luke* rolling down from the second floor of our house,” she emotionally relates. “Another time, Luke almost got run down by a neighbor’s car because Dad let my brother play on the sidewalk while he was washing the car. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad, but I won’t allow the same things to happen to my child.” Similarly, I had a neighbor who was so overprotective of her daughter. She usually ends up scolding her toddler whenever she accidentally scrapes a knee, bumps her head, or gets dirty. “Ayan kasi! Bakit ka ba pumunta-punta doon!” she would rant and proceed to lightly spank her child’s hand or bottom which, I guess, stems from unreasonable fear for what she imagines could have been much worse if she were not there to intervene.

Unhealthy practice
According to Violeta V. Bautista, M.D., child psychologist and family therapist at the Care and Counsel Wholeness Center in Quezon City, “When you talk about ‘over,’ it means it’s exaggerated and goes beyond what is healthy child-rearing pattern. It’s not going to have growth-enhancing facilitative effects on the child,” she explains. “Anything that is exaggerated more than what is necessary is neither going to be healthy nor helpful for the child.”

She acknowledges that no parent would like to intentionally hurt or cause dysfunction to his child but that “it happens with overprotection. It counters the [parent’s] very wish or motivating factor.” Dr. Bautista portrays that behind overprotection is the desire to love, to ensure health, and to foster the welfare of the child. However, “It is very ironic as overprotection frustrates exactly this very intention.”

She then describes several signs of over-protectiveness:

• When a mother will not get time out from child care; cannot leave the house; or refuses to leave her child even when there is adequate care available. In other words, when a mom denies child care even from competent caregivers and wants to be with the child 24/7.
• When a mother worries too much such that she cannot enjoy being out or doing other things outside childcare despite the child being in the hands of proven, reliable caregivers. She has exaggerated fears about what will happen to her little one when she’s not around or when the child is exposed to new experiences.
• When a mother enforces too many dos and don’ts that are constricting growth and are not warranted by the developmental stage of the child. For instance:

• Prohibiting the child from playing in the monkey bars even under supervision and when his motor competencies already allow him to be able to do so
• Taking many foods out of the child’s diet when such foods are actually healthy for the child
• Prohibiting play for fear of bad influences or of the child getting sick which deprives the child of social interaction
• Over-sanitizing the child’s environment to the point that she constricts the child’s world and range of experiences that are necessary for him to grow

 

[previous|page|next]

Underlying causes
According to Dr. Bautista, there are certain types of moms who are prone to become overprotective of their children:

• Anxious moms who are emotionally needy or who are neglected by their spouses such that they compensate by trying to feel fulfilled and become happy mothers. “A mom, whose husband is often away or is hard to get along with, may drown herself in the mothering experience to ease her loneliness,” explains Dr. Bautista.
• Moms who have been overprotected or who either had too much or too little care during their childhood can have exaggerated reactions based on past experiences. “If she were not able to resolve her issues with the way she was brought up, the tendency is to react in an exaggerated way [when she becomes a parent herself].”
• Lonely women who don’t have friends or are socially maladjusted that they are likely to derive their satisfaction from their children. “In the process, they over constrict and overprotect. You have no friends so you turn your three-, four-, five-, or six-year-old into an adult.”
• Mothers who are unhappy because they are required [by the husband or other circumstances] to become full-time moms when they are actually gifted and need to explore their potentials. “So they overcompensate with their loneliness and lack of satisfaction in life by immersing themselves in their roles as mothers.”

Consequences
“Over-protectiveness, as defined, has no positive effects,” stresses Dr. Bautista. “If the child comes out of it unscathed, he is just resilient.” Here, she enumerates how over-protectiveness can negatively influence children:

• The child gets too individuated and becomes too bonded or too dependent on the mother which can lead to the development of a weak character. He can acquire all of his mom’s fears and become fearful and anxious most of the time.

In a book entitled Generalized Anxiety Disorder: Advances in Research and Practice, the authors write that anxious moms “fall into the pattern of anticipating the child’s distress and hence, discourage the child from approaching potentially stressful situations.” Unfortunately, over time, this pattern of response is said to add to children’s vulnerability to anxiety by increasing the perception and avoidance of threat as well as reducing their perceived control over threat.

• The child may turn away from having friends and may not become close to his future spouse.
• The child may either over idealize the mom or start to rebel towards the adolescence or preteen years. There may also be disturbance in the mother-child relationship as well as in the lives of other people around them.
• There would be negative effects on the husband/dad, too, such that he can be taken out of the picture; he may not have a say in the child’s upbringing; he can distance himself from and in the home; or the situation can create conflict if the husband is assertive and the wife does not listen.

 

[previous|page|next]

Positive steps
If you find yourself identifying with the enumerated causes and effects of overprotectiveness, read on as Dr. Bautista mentions several suggestions “gatekeeper moms” can do to wean themselves from this problem.

• Be aware of the signs of over-protectiveness and catch yourself whenever you are doing it. “Remind yourself that over-protectiveness does not help. Instead, identify alternative behaviors you can do.” You can also ask your husband and other people in your house to call your attention whenever you are being overprotective.
• “Read books on parenting and learn from other moms’ experiences [especially those of] people you admire,” counsels Dr. Bautista. “Pray for courage and openness to deal with this and learn to be a better parent and spouse.”
• Be personally fulfilled. Practice self care, take up a hobby, and go out of the house to engage in personal growth. Have friends and find happiness outside parenting and family life.
• Give your husband and your child enough space by letting them spend time to bond by themselves too. Likewise, “The father, if not involved, should not be a reason to be overprotective.” Dr. Bautista adds that it is necessary for wives to understand that unhappiness in marriage cannot be resolved by drowning oneself in childcare.
• Work on yourself and your marriage. “Be open to your spouse and [consider going] for counseling,” she recommends. “Parents are people too. Get help understanding and dealing with your issues.”

“We all come from imperfect settings,” she assures, “But we need not be afraid of dealing with our problems so we don’t pass them on to our children.”  

* Names have been changed to protect privacy

Strengthening the Father-Child Bond
Fathers’ contribution to the direct care of their children, particularly when children are very young, is critical, according to the United Nations Children’s Fund (UNICEF) Fact Sheet entitled Enhancing Men’s Roles and Responsibilities in the Family. The paper moreover cites that when fathers are actively involved in child-rearing, children’s emotional and social well-being and self-esteem are enhanced, and the likelihood of behavioral problems falls.

My husband has been hands on with our four kids since they were born. Not surprisingly, our children are equally close to both me and their dad. Here are simple but tried-and-tested ways moms can encourage bonding between their husbands and children:

• Allow dads to be involved in baby care. Let him change diapers, feed and bathe your child, and rock the baby to sleep once in a while at night. If he is reluctant or afraid that he might make mistakes or accidentally harm the baby, patiently teach him how to do each task.
• Encourage dads to go out on one-on-one dates with your children such as spending an afternoon at the park or watching a kiddie flick together while you go off periodically to have some “me” time.
• Provide dads and children several books they can read together and inspire them to pray together before bedtime.
• Share often the parenting tips you learn from reading books and magazines or from attending parenting talks. Better yet, invite your husband to join you in parenting events whenever his schedule allows him to.

Photo from sxc.hu