Are You an Obsessive-Compulsive Parent?

According to America’s National Institute of Mental Health, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD is defined as “an anxiety disorder and is characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions) such as hand washing, counting, checking, or cleaning, which are often performed with the hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Performing these so-called ‘rituals,’ however, provides only temporary relief, and not performing them markedly increases anxiety”.

In other words, OCD is all about recurring thoughts that develop into habits.  Question is, do we impart these attributes to our children?  Does it become a parenting style?  The OCD Foundation estimates that 1 out of 100 individuals are afflicted with the disorder in varying degrees - it is very common and does not seem to hinder normal productive living.  However, note that even the slightest degree of this condition may affect our behavior towards our kids.  It may lend a positive impact as orderliness, schedule control, and a generally more enhanced awareness of one’s surroundings are characteristics found in most individuals with OCD, if done with thoughtful moderation.  However if taken to the extremes, it may create an unhealthy environment for children, as they may find rules too restrictive, and everything else “set” for them, hampering the desire to do things on their own at a responsible pace.

Arthur and Lexie*, a married couple in their late twenties are parents to six-year-old twin girls.  Lexie is a more relaxed parent, as she lets her children make the graceful mess that define them - crayons on the floor after home art time, sandy shoes from playing at the village park and a liberal approach to snacking.  Arthur, on the other hand, is a tad more persuasive with most everything.  He keeps a large whiteboard up on the refrigerator with a schedule for the family, including the help.  He imposes a 5am wake-up call for everyone and breakfast by 6am.  And, although generous with food, he packs ample rations in their lunchboxes and tells the kids what time they should be eating. A loving dad, he makes sure to read to his girls every night before they go to bed after going over homework and watching TV for an hour.  He never argues with his wife regarding proper care.  This is owed to proper communication and compromise, since Lexie is a full-time mom, and Arthur is a nine-to-five Dad.  He says, “I know it’s slightly obsessive, but I need to impose a little control.  Kids are kids and they need structure.”  Lexie retorts simply: “Children are children!”  When asked why they don’t end up arguing, let alone fight about drastically different parenting styles, Arthur says “She’s the Mom and I’m at work, at least when I get home, I can put a little order around the home.  It’s a fair balance I believe, since the girls are happy anyway”.

 

Click here to learn more on how to check if you're an OC parent.

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Read on to learn more on how to check if you're an OC parent.

 

Arthur and Lexie are prime examples of parents with conflicting methods working it out.  Many others have great difficulty adjusting to an Obsessive-Compulsive partner or spouse.  Being such is not a terrible thing unless routine becomes excessive and interferes with daily life, therefore impeding proper cognitive development in a child.  Your son or daughter could be so used to nap time at 1pm that he is sluggish, and unable to enjoy activities at a children’s party.  Or since he or she is so used to you offering ideas for assignments or projects, his or her creativity stalls.  If you are so frustrated that your son can’t pack away his toys on time that you end up doing everything yourself, he may never learn to keep a clean room, an early key to accomplished living.  So the key is balance.  If you find that your nature is becoming of one with overt Obsessive Compulsive traits, check your unreasonable rules at the door.  If you have trouble with rules and limits, enlist the help of your spouse, or if you are a single parent, a close relative or trusted friend.  If you still can’t visualize acceptable parameters, it’s always prudent and never shameful to seek professional counsel.  

Let’s do a self-check: are you an extremely and harmfully Obsessive-Compulsive parent?  Ask yourself these:

1. Do you rigorously impose schedule restrictions, no matter what?
2. Do you seek to put order and control almost every aspect of your child’s life?  
3. Do you constantly worry that something unreasonably untoward may happen to your children if they don’t follow your rules to the letter (Ranging from her art teacher getting irked that her drawing of a plant looks like a green cat even if you both worked on it for a long time, all the way to becoming uneasy that the school bus may get a flat tire or hit a curb if she doesn’t bring her red thermos on Friday)?
4. Do you insist on repetitive patterns like having the kids wash hands twice before eating?
5. Do you insist that all books and clothes be in alphabetical order or segregated by color?

A “Yes” to even one may indicate that you are overworking your compulsions and need to grasp control as soon as possible.

There are parents like Arthur who don’t allow his OCD to completely grab a hold of his personality, and thus becoming a reasonable parent.  Then again, there are also many who are excessively strict with most everything due to the condition, that they become what world renowned Clinical and Developmental Psychologist Diana Baumrind defines as “Authoritarian Parenting” - demanding, directive and not responsive, and, in a few cases, even abusive.  In her words: "They are obedience- and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation", quite the marker for an obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.

The adage holds true that nobody can raise their own children better than their own, (hopefully) capable parents.  We all have our different methods and rationales, but all we hope for is to raise good, psychologically-sound, productive and creative children.  All this can be achieved with proper balance achieved through objective self-assessment.  As Ice Cube, a 90’s rapper and actor repeats in a popular song, “Check yourself before your wreck yourself”!  Wise words indeed.
    

*names have been changed

Photography by Tootoots Leyesa