Childhood Crushes: Why they are Healthy

Is your little one already showing signs of being a tween by obsessing over a celebrity? Case in point: the millions of little girls who are crazy about Justin Bieber. As a parent, I might start to worry if my three-year-old daughter started following a boy around like a lovesick puppy, but I’ve heard enough stories of pairings in preschool—including one that is very close to home—to know that it does happen. My youngest sister had a “boyfriend” when she was four years old. My mom even remembers how she would get frustrated at this boy for running around and playing with the other boys and not staying in the classroom to play with my sister.   


Young Love
An-Marie Bartolome-Villarin, Managing Director of The Terrific Tots Preschool Program of The Little Gym and mom of three-year-old Santi describes behavior she’s noticed among preschool-aged children. “We’ve had kids who really light up when they see certain kids of the opposite gender,” she says. “They don’t say, ‘I like so and so,’ but you’ll see them smile and keep trying to play with or sit beside that child.”

However, she says it’s not what it seems. “It doesn’t always have anything to do with being handsome or pretty, unlike how we grownups would describe our crushes. They’re probably drawn to some characteristic. Sometimes it’s a funny antic or a funny way of speaking. I wouldn’t worry about it as a parent because it’s not an indication of future promiscuity.”

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Psychologist Kathleena dela Rosa agrees. “It’s nothing to be worried about. What a crush is to them is different from what a crush is to a teenager or young adult.” Villarin adds, “The adult is the one who puts a label on it.”

In fact, it is a good thing that children start identifying characteristics they like in other people because this is the way friendships start. However, it would be good to talk to your child about it if you feel  he or she is becoming overly attached to the other kid. “Talk about what she likes about that person and point out that her other friends may have those characteristics as well,” says Villarin. “Divert her attention through games and invite some friends to play dates.”


Opening Up
When the kids refuse to confide in you about these childhood crushes, is it a cause for worry? Villarin says, “Most likely it’s because of the teasing involved or negative reactions from adults.”

At the same time, boys and girls may handle it differently. “When I was doing research on differences between boys and girls,” shares Villarin, “I found that girls will talk about it with friends and may talk about it with Mom, while boys will not talk about it at all. Boys are more sensitive to teasing, or they may not even know what they're feeling.”

So how do you approach them about it? Our first reaction may be to dismiss it as nothing or to tease them in good humor, Villarin warns against this. Instead, she suggests asking open-ended questions such as, "What do you like about her or him?" You don’t even have to put a label on it. You can ask, “Why is so and so fun to play with?” or  “Why is she or he great to hang out with?” That way, it can even become a learning experience for both of you about your little one’s preferences.

As your preschooler moves away from focusing entirely on herself, she will start looking outward and noticing that the world is definitely much larger than what she originally thought.


Photo by Jenniferschwalm via flickr creative commons