Face your Fears: Why Worrying Won't Help

Photo by sean dreilinger via flickr creative commons

It’s a vague memory, but I remember that I used to be a fun-loving single girl— someone who couldn’t be bothered to use hand sanitizer before devouring a chicken drumstick. Yes, I lived dangerously: I went out at night without a mosquito patch, ate instant noodles for breakfast, and didn’t assiduously check expiration dates printed at the bottom of the peanut-butter jar.

And then I had Zac. Suddenly, the world became so much more menacing. TV/movie marathons? That’s a hotbed of radiation activity right there. A day spent at a beautiful beach? Babies have been known to drown in one foot of water. A leisurely stroll in the mall? Malls are enclosed spaces where viruses thrive and ping pong off one child to another. It’s a kidnapper’s lair, not to mention a temple of materialism that sends the wrong message to our children.

Melissa Pizaña Cruz, a certified integrative coach and co-head of the parenting cluster for the Center for Family Ministries (CeFam), notes that hover parents like me are not uncommon. “In fact, there are now coined terms for this phenomenon such as ‘umbrella parenting,’ ‘bubblewrap parenting,’ and ‘over-parenting,’” she says. “You will know if the worry has ceased to be the healthy kind when you can no longer function ‘normally’ as a parent, and every decision you make revolves around fear. By then, it has become paranoia.”

While it’s fine to be hawk-eyed, growing up with an eternally worried mom translates to eternally worried children—and you don’t want a kid too fearful to live his life. So how do you strike a balance? How do you tell your kid to be wary of strangers, yet teach him to be friendly? How do you warn a three-year-old of danger, but not rob him of his sweet innocence?

“Impending dangers can vary from situation to situation,” acknowledges Cruz. “What you should do is practice risk management; try to manage those situations that are likely to occur and can have severe consequences. Take note of which impending dangers you should warn your child about, and choose these.”

Proceed with caution
Cruz stresses that you should not give your kids a lowdown on each and every danger that may befall them, especially those that are unlikely to happen in their situation. For example, if you live in a bungalow, it doesn’t make sense to warn your child often about leaning too close to the railings and falling off a building. She adds, “The manner of communication must be age-appropriate as well, and parents should warn the child only about those things the tot has control over (e.g. don’t talk to strangers) — other controls must be instituted by the parents or the caregivers. For example, if you want to warn a toddler about strangers touching her private parts, a simple strategy would be to show her a bathing suit and say, “This bathing suit covers your private parts. Anytime a stranger (or even a friend) touches anything that the suit covers, you must tell Mom or Dad.”

Our worries, no matter how ridiculous they may seem to others, are always valid and important. While one mom worries about kidnapping, another worries about the food her child eats. In her book The Go-To Mom’s Parents’ Guide to Emotion Coaching Young Children, author Kimberly Blaine says, “A parent’s tendency to overprotect and shield a child from the world may be a way of regaining control that one lost in his past.”

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Think you’re alone in hyperventilating about your kid’s random tummy aches? These moms share their worries, and experts give you no-nonsense advice on how to face your fears.

SIDS scare
“My baby was born premature, and her oxygen tube was removed only when we left the hospital. I worry that something might happen to her while she’s sleeping, so I get up at odd hours of the night to check if she’s still breathing!” — Jaja Yao, 24

Cynthia Balza Gomez, M.D., a pediatrician at The Medical City, says parents of newborns do have reason to worry — whether your baby was born premature or not.

“The Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is a condition wherein infants die in their sleep unexpectedly, usually associated with sleeping in the prone position and prematurity,” Dr. Gomez says. “Another factor is when babies are overfed right before sleeping; the danger of aspiration is always possible. When the gastric contents are regurgitated, they can accidentally go to the baby’s lungs and block the airway.” Experts say the safest sleeping position is the supine position (on their back, face upward). Also, avoid overfeeding your baby especially before bedtime.

High cost of raising a child
“I’m scared I won’t be able to provide the best for my child. Life used to be so simple, but now, I see kids with iPads and I’m worried my child would feel deprived. It pushes me and my husband to work, work, work.” — Cara C., 32

True, the rising cost of everything is enough to make any parent’s head go into a tailspin. But if you start planning now, it wouldn’t be as challenging as plunging into an unknown future.

Joe Ferreria, a financial expert and president of Money Doctors, offers a pragmatic approach. “Open a bank or investment account in your child’s name with you as the guardian. Because it’s in his name, you will hesitate to withdraw from it. It’s also a good reminder to be ready for the future.”

Just how expensive is the future? If you plan to send your kid to a private university, Ferreria calculates that the parents of a newborn should already start saving P5,676 a month, assuming tuition will amount to P3.3 million for the whole four years.

“If the target tuition is P90,000 a year, then you should save about P2,800 a month for 16 years,” he advises. The age of the child today will affect the numbers, though.” Ferreria cautions against losing track of what you have now. He adds, “One of my clients, a billionaire, does not give her kids too many material things. The virtues of simplicity, hard work, and living a selfless life are what we need to teach our kids—these will equip them to buy all the material things they need on their own.”

Nanny matters
“I’ve been through so many terrible yayas! I’m a working mom, and I need to find a good partner in raising my kids.” — Sandra Banzon, 32

The importance of having a good yaya cannot be overemphasized, so invest in finding the perfect candidate. Dr. Gomez says, for the safety of your child, anyone who will be taking care of her for the long term must undergo a thorough health check and physical examination. “Usual tests given are chest X-ray, complete blood count, urinalysis, and stool examination. Screening for hepatitis B can also be done.”

Paul Hinlo, a security and risk consultant and CEO of Unified Security and Research Specialist, says you should [do a thorough background check on a potential yaya] — especially if she isn’t referred by someone you trust. “Usually, a background check for an employee would cost around P1,500,” he says. “This includes the NBI check and a basic background check.

“Some parents install nanny cameras in their homes. You will need a static IP address to get good quality video from your office or smart phone. There are other options like setting up a security system which includes CCTVs. All cameras can be programmed to be web-based,” Hinlo continues. Sure, the setup may cost a fortune, but this is a small price to pay for your peace of mind.

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“Frankenfood”
“With all the news I hear about pesticides and genetically modified food, I feel guilty every time I prepare my toddler’s meals. I feel like I need to spend more for organic food.” — Nina Lozano, 29

While it is more ideal to feed your child organic food, he can still benefit from well-chosen food that gives optimum nutrition. U.S.-registered dietitian and nutritionist Cheshire Que says it is important to have a variety of food sources to fill the body with all the nutrients it needs. “A child’s meal should have 50 percent fruits and vegetables; 25 percent starch and grains such as rice, potato, pasta, and bread; and 25 percent protein-rich food like lean meat, fish, chicken, egg, and cheese.”

Even if you can’t provide an all-organic diet, be wary of hotdogs and other processed meats, as they are high in sodium and fat. Que adds, “Fast food like french fries should not be eaten more than once a week to prevent childhood obesity due to excessive caloric intake.

“Soda and juice drinks should be avoided as well. Offer water, low-fat milk, and 100-percent fresh fruit juices. They have more nutrients to help support your child’s growth.”

Kidnapped!
“Kidnapping is a huge concern for us. Gone are the days when only kidnap-for-ransom victims were targeted. Now, anyone can fall prey!” — Jenice Chua, 33

Hinlo says, “The first rule is to keep your child beside you at all times. Never lose sight of him. Some parents even go as far as using harnesses on their toddlers so as not to lose them in a crowd. When your child enters a rest room, dressing room, or an area where you may lose sight of him, ask him to sing or talk to you so you can hear him. You can never be too careful. “Watch for women dressed in yaya uniform and suspicious-looking teens who may be eyeing your children, too,” he adds. We can’t stress it enough: Always have your child within reach or in sight. Never leave him alone. Kidnapping is a clear and present danger that isn’t just confined to movies.


Ouch!
“Every time my child complains of pain in his body, I panic. I almost always think of the worst—like a tumor or cancer.” — Rina Diaz, 30

Although a mother’s instinct is almost always never wrong, sometimes, our rational thoughts can be clouded by fear or a past trauma, hence the snowball thinking. [Snowball thinking refers to picking on one tiny detail and building on it so that it spirals out of control.]

Your pediatrician should be able to calm you down. Dr. Gomez says, “If your child appears to be active, and he is playing, eating, and sleeping well despite complaints, then you shouldn’t be so alarmed.” If your child is weak, irritable, and won’t eat, even if he doesn’t have fever, your doctor should see him at once. Give your doctor all the right information to aid him in making the right diagnosis.

Bullying
“It hurts to see my child being bullied. Sometimes, I’m tempted to bribe someone to play with him just to ease his pain.” — Lara Veridiano, 29

As moms, we can’t always step in and save the day for our child. As your tot grows older, he’ll be faced with more challenging problems than just being ignored or teased. Cruz says that parents should take the initiative to talk to their children about what to expect, as you can’t always shield them from reality. If he is being bullied, talk to the school authorities; they have more power to stop the harassment by directly talking to the bully or his parents or creating sanctions to prevent it.

Beauty in imperfection
In the end, we can worry all we want. My kids’ former pediatrician once told me that my constant worrying was bringing everyone down, and that my negativity was rubbing off on my kids. Her new-age babble, in retrospect, made sense: My kids’ concept of love was seeing their mom fly off the handle whenever they had the sniffles — this meant they derived pleasure from getting sick or being fussed over.

“Children are naturally more resilient than we think, and you have to remember that,” says Cruz. She adds, “It’s okay that you aren’t a perfect parent. No one is. Your parents were not perfect either, and yet you turned out okay!”