There is one iconic line from the dialogue of the old-school show The Brady Bunch that has transcended time. In this scene, one of the Brady girls named Jan complained, “It’s always Marcia this, it’s always Marcia that! Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” That’s because she felt that her prettier and more popular sister Marcia was favored by everybody, even their parents.
According to Teacher Bunny Ty of The SchoolRoom Inc. in Pasig, this scenario is not only for classic TV but is also played out in real life, even here in our country. “Favoritism isn't limited to race or ethnicity. It can just play itself out in different ways in different families.” Everybody knows that having a favorite child is common among families with more than one child, but everybody also knows that there are very few parents who will admit to playing favorites.
Who are these kids who can get away with almost anything? “There is no usual profile -- it differs across families and sometimes culture (Chinese prefer sons because they carry the last names, etc). Common or obvious ones include the "most good-looking one" or the one that most resembles the parent or someone significant (looks like Lolo, for example); the one with the highest grades or the easiest to raise; or the eldest child or daughters for the fathers, sons for the mothers, etc -- lots of things really, and there's nothing typical. This just goes to show that each family has its own story to tell.”
She adds, “Favoritism is a parenting issue, something that a parent needs to work on and something the couple needs to discuss among themselves. Favoritism doesn't really have anything to do with the child (except that s/he is the favored one) but is usually a parent's act of preference. Children will rarely do things "on purpose" to be the favorite. If they do, it is because of the kind of environment that they were raised in; in fact, children can be born being favorites already. Sometimes, it is brought about by other things also. like the child that survived an illness becomes the favorite.”
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Overall impact
If there is one child that is favored over others, Teacher Bunny, who has an MS in Marriage, Family, Child Therapy and MS in School Counseling (CSUS), warns that it can have a big impact on the dynamics of the whole family. She gives a helpful breakdown on how each member is affected.
A. Spouse:
It could go different ways. The other spouse can show the same preference to the same child (whether consciously or not), leaving the other children feeling neglected, invisible, or unloved even more.
The spouse can also sense this favoritism and compensate his love towards the other children and unconsciously "not favor" the favored child, affecting their relationship (parent-child) even if he is simply reacting to the preference of the other parent. Or, the spouse may sense this parenting issue and choose not to discuss it with the other to avoid any feelings of resentment between the couple. It can also divide the family emotionally, leaving one parent with the favored child and the other parent with the other children.
B. Other Children:
They can either blame themselves for not deserving love -- that they're “not [good] enough” and never will be, or [they will] blame everyone else. Both are possible reactions to the kind of environment they are growing up in at home…which they can carry with them even socially (in school, etc.) elsewhere. For example, they may feel that because a parent does not favor them, everyone else outside thinks the same way and doesn't care.
When they blame themselves, they can be more reckless and attempt things to gain a parent's love or to please them. Some of these things may be destructive or self-destructive. They may blame themselves and think something is wrong with them, that they did something wrong or was born with something already wrong with them.
When they blame others, they can resent the favored child, or they may blame their parents for misbehavior or how he "turned" out because they don't feel loved.
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C. Favored Child
The favorite child can feel entitled and expect that everyone must treat her the same way, and think that something is wrong with the person who doesn’t.
She may distance herself from other siblings because she feels "above" them, possibly even on the same level as her parents. She may also distance herself because she feels the resentment of her other siblings. It's not exactly always favorable to the favored child!
Catch and correct
Teacher Bunny says favoritism comes at a cost. “It can drive siblings apart. It can cause tension and uneasiness. It can also do the same between the parents especially when one realizes what is going on and the other parent denies it.
She advises correcting the parental behavior to nip it in the bud. She says the best way to catch it is to ask others if they notice any cues. “It is very hard to catch yourself doing it. It might be easier for your spouse or someone else to call you in on it. Sometimes, it's not on purpose, too. You are just more inclined to the child because you have more similar interests or you feel that the child "needs" you more or if you share an experience with the child and not with his other siblings (say for example, difficult pregnancy) or just because the child is easier to get along with than the others.”
She adds, “A good rule of thumb is when you begin to notice that you are depriving your other children of something (attention, time, or material things) so that only a particular child gets it, or you begin to hide things from your other children when you favor another child. For example, going on a movie date with one child isn't wrong, but asking him to not tell any of his siblings because they might get jealous, etc is a red flag.”
One obvious way is “when you promote or tolerate that the siblings are up against each other negatively, or when you pit them against each other, because their fights or rivalry shame your other children, just to make another child feel better about his "special" place in the family,” Teacher Bunny says. “Once you catch yourself, you need to find out why you are favoring this particular child and not the others. Talk it out with your spouse or a professional. It is usually a parent's issue, not a child's, so it's something that a parent needs to work on herself. However, if your other children have noticed it and have begun to resent you for it, then they need to be validated and reassured once you've worked on it,” she recommends.
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Fair and Square
“Expressing your love to a child must always be in the love language that the child recognizes. Children, because they are all unique, feel loved in different ways and that is the most important thing to remember. For example, one child might feel that attention is love while another child might feel that too much attention means that you don't have faith in her -- see how it can go either way? So the most important thing is to know how your children feel loved as siblings and as individuals,” she explains.
“Doing everything "pantay-pantay", such as each child getting the exact same toy as pasalubong, seems to be the most obvious fair thing to do -- and the easiest too! But nothing is really pantay pantay, because children are all different. Say you decide to buy everyone the same thing, not all of them will react the same way. One child may feel extremely elated while another may just shrug it off because it is not of his interest and taste. Loving fairly does not mean equal or perfectly the same; loving fairly means everyone gets to feel loved in the way that they recognize. That's the most important thing.”
“Parents also need to realize that it is okay for them to spend some time alone with one child and not with the rest. For example, a movie date with the eldest, a play date with the second child, or just staying at home watching TV with the third child. All different activities, all alone-time activities but they don't necessarily mean that they are favoring one child over the other because, say, the movie date is more expensive or less boring etc. It's a matter of putting the correct values in place and clear to the children. Don't let your love be misinterpreted,” she says.
Group effort
“Children with siblings need to learn to be together as a group. Parents can encourage them to do things together and build that relationship among them especially as they grow up. That way, they learn early on that they all have the same spot in their families -- as children. No one is more special than the other,” she says, and adds, “hey each have their own place in the family.”
Photography by Edsel Ochoa of Folio Images
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