How to Talk to your Child about the Birds and the Bees

It’s inevitable in the story of parenthood. There will come a time when your child will ask you a question you won’t quite know how to answer. Usually, it’s something about sex, gender, birth, or grownup bodies. Maybe the question has already been asked, but you’re not sure if you said the right thing. Join the club. You’re not alone.

According to freelance writer and mom of three, Rochelle Prado, only one word describes being asked questions of the sexual nature: “Torture!” It’s not an unusual reaction among young parents. According to Ning Reyes, family counselor and resource speaker for the Center for Family Ministries (CeFam), “Cultural, religious and family influence shape a parent’s own sexual indoctrination. For many generations, it was taboo for Filipino families to talk openly about sex and sexuality.” However, she believes that it’s no excuse for parents to avoid discussing sexuality with their children.

Discussing sexuality
“First of all, parents have to understand that they can’t compartmentalize how they bring up their children. They can’t claim to raise their kids with good values but never discuss sex. Sexuality, sensuality, and spirituality are all connected,” says Reyes. She explains that parents need to establish a holistic relationship of trust and two-way communication before any kind of attempt to explain sexuality. Sexuality is part of a parent’s being and it is expressed in everything a parent does. If a parent is not comfortable with his sexuality, a child will pick it up. She advises parents to “clarify your own values, be resolved with your sexuality, and create a trusting relationship with your child.”

Determining what is age appropriate
Dianne Reyes, preschool teacher at Kindergarten Camp Learning Center, says, “If a child asks a question, don’t assume that you already know what he is referring to. Throw back the question to him so you can clarify what he means. Once confirmed, you can then answer him in a matter-of-fact manner.”

Common sex-related questions kids ask
(Your son walks in on you and your husband doing the deed) “Mom, is Dad hurting you?”
Dianne Reyes would say, “No, darling, Dad is not hurting Mom. Daddy and Mommy love each other and need some time together. We will be with you in a while.” This is to reassure your child that no one is getting hurt and that he is not being alienated or sent out of the room because he did something wrong. Annette Acosta-Dickson, family physician and mom to a six-year-old girl, would further explain, “It’s a special way mommies and daddies show their love for each other, usually in private.”

“Mom, how come you don’t have a pututoy?”
Acosta-Dickson would say, “Because I’m a girl and only boys have them.” In similar fashion, An-Marie Villarin, managing director of The Little Gym’s Preschool Program, would bring out a children’s book about human anatomy and show her son the difference between girls and boys.

“Mom, why do you have hair down there?”
Preschool teacher Sarah Patricia Gil, would answer, “All grownups have hair down there. When you get a bit older, hair will grow in different parts of your body. This is just like how you see adults have hair on their legs or chest (for men). Hair mainly grows because of age and usually protects your skin.” Prado would also take this opportunity to help her son understand the concept of growth and change. Remember that you need to base your answer on how old your child is and what concepts he can grasp.

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“Mom, what’s that hanging on your chest?”
Dianne Reyes and Acosta-Dickson would simply say, “My breasts!” This is to ensure that body parts are named as what they are and not hidden or given nicknames. For older kids, Prado and Gil would talk about how “breasts help mommies give babies their milk until they are old enough to eat solid food like rice.” This will help an older child relate to his own earlier experience or what he sees with a younger sibling.

“Why are your boobs big and Papa’s aren’t?”
Prado would say, “That’s another difference between men and women. A mom’s breasts have parts called mammary glands that swell like tiny balloons so they can carry milk to her baby.” It’s important to use words they can understand or identify with. Villarin would explain to an
older daughter that when girls grow up their breasts will play
an important part when they become mommies.  

“How do you make babies?”
Ning Reyes would take this opportunity to talk about the love between a father and a mother. For a younger child (three to four years old), she would say, “Babies are made from the love of a father and mother, blessed by God.”

For an older child who can appreciate more concepts, she would say, “God created a seed in Daddy’s body that joins an egg in Mommy’s body. The seed and the egg come together inside Mommy’s body and form a baby.” It’s very important to explain the context of making babies: love and being part of a family. Villarin would use a children’s book for an older child and point out the process in pictures.

“How does a baby get out of your tummy?”
Acosta-Dickson showed her six-year-old daughter a video of her birth (taken from over Acosta-Dickson’s shoulder) to remove any mystery about childbirth. When her daughter asked her about all the noises she was making in the video, she explained, “When it’s time for the baby to come out, the mommy pushes and the baby comes out of the vagina.” Acosta-Dickson uses only anatomically correct terms with her daughter.

“Mom, why do you have blood in your panty?”
Dianne Reyes would explain, “This is called menstruation. Every month, my body is preparing for the coming of a baby. My body prepares a ‘bed’ for the baby. If no baby stays there, this bed comes out as the blood that you see.” Ning Reyes advises moms to let their daughters know that menstruation is a monthly period, that it’s cyclical, and not just a one-time occurrence.

(After listening to a radio ad) “Mom, what’s a condom?”
Prado would say, “A condom is something grownups use when they are not yet ready to have a baby.” According to Ning Reyes, exposure to media is inevitable. Avoid having your kids close their eyes or turn around when they happen to be exposed to kissing or anything sexually related on the screen. Such behavior doesn’t answer questions and will only make them even more curious. Instead, be ready to answer their questions in a factual manner.

You catch your daughter and her play date Rafa with their clothes off “comparing notes.” What do you do?
Acosta-Dickson would take her daughter aside and explain that certain body parts are private and should not be seen or touched by anyone except her parents, caregivers, or doctors who are keeping her safe and healthy. It’s important not to over-react or make a fuss. This is also a good way for you to teach your child how to stay safe as well.

Photo from flickr.com