In-laws 101: The Basics of Dealing with your Spouse’s Family

There is many a movie where the story revolves around ‘monster’ in-laws.  In these movies, the in-laws are portrayed to be meddling and over-controlling—almost bordering on being evil.  That’s in the movies…it is not reality.  Well, most of the time it isn’t!

Though there are exceptions to the rule, the reality of ‘monster’ in-laws is very rare.  Of course there are adjustments and tweaking of relationships to be made; but more often than not, most husbands and wives have satisfactory, if not great relationships with their in-laws.

Here is a simple crash course on the basics of dealing with the in-laws.  It comes in two parts.  The first part focuses on you as an individual and an active partner in the relationship with your in-laws.  The second part focuses on you with your partner as a couple in building relationships with your parents.  


Focusing on Self
 

1.    Steer clear of stereotypes
Being overly frightened or apprehensive of having ‘monster’ in-laws may just land you with that—a strained and unpleasant relationship with your in-laws.  Being too negative or overly comparing your in-laws with the mean and unpleasant people in the movies (or your own parents and the way you perceive things to be) may just bring about a self fulfilling prophecy because of the way you are psyched to act and relate to them as such.


2.    Good relationships begin with you
The only person you can control in the building of a relationship between you and your in-laws is yourself.  Though it may be difficult at times, try to recognize the positives in your in-laws and make the first step in doing things that can create a better relationship.  If all fails, remember your good upbringing and treat your in-laws with the respect they deserve.  After all, they are your partner’s parents.

 

Click here to read more.

[previous|page|next]

3.    Brace yourself for change
Marriage is the blending of two families and changes are bound to happen.  Accept these as part and parcel of being in a family.  If this means adjusting to the quirks and different personalities of your in-laws, or being accommodating enough to take their needs and wants into consideration then do so.  

Being open to change and adjusting to make both your parents and your in-laws happy, within reason, will do wonders!  Especially during holidays and special occasions, find a balance so that both your side and your partner’s side are given enough time and attention.    


4.    Acceptance is key
You may not like some of the traits of your in-laws, just like you may not like some of the traits of your own parents.  They are not perfect, just like your own parents and just like you!    The key is accepting these traits and appreciating the positive traits they do possess.  Recognize them to be just human themselves. They are your second parents and they have their own share of faults.  

If all else fails, realize and keep in mind that they had a lot of influence in molding the traits that you love and appreciate in your partner and start from there.

   
5.    Never forget:  Your partner is their child
The way they see you treat your partner has an effect on how they perceive you and relate to you.  As a parent yourself, it should be easy to relate to this concept.  They are your partner’s parents and it is only natural for the instinct to protect to be evident if they feel that their child has been wronged or hurt.  Treat your partner with the respect and care he or she deserves.

 

Click here to read more.

[previous|page|next]

Focusing on you as a couple

1.    Set the ground rules and boundaries
Realize that though you are part of an extended family, you are a family unit on your own.  Set your own rules and boundaries as a couple in relating with each of the in-laws, as well as the extended family as a whole.  Be clear about what you want but be accommodating and understanding as well of what your partner wants.


2.    Be on the same page
Try to keep abreast on how you and your partner feel about issues that may arise.  When the in-laws want something, do not make hasty decisions for your family without being sure of how your partner feels.  Be diplomatic by politely stating that you and your partner will discuss what they request and give them feedback as soon as possible.
 

3.    Be each other’s defender
Be clear with your partner that since you are a family unit, you should always support each other.  Never embarrass or blame your partner in front of the in-laws.  Be proactive and step up to discuss issues or disagreements with your own parents about your partner, if need be.

This can be a little bit tricky though because you or your partner can’t always be right.  If you or your partner are mistaken, discuss it privately and then inform your own parents separately.

These are just the basics; but more than enough to help you have a good and mutually beneficial relationship with your in-laws. Try keeping these points in mind--whether you are just beginning a relationship with the in-laws, or trying to find a way to change and make your relationship with them better.


Photography by Alfred Mendoza