In The Diary of a Wimpy Kid, that book and movie series that is hugely popular with the kids these days, normal middle-school student Greg Heffley often complains in his journal about his older brother Rodrick, who’s always picking on him, and his 3-year-old younger bro Manny, who’s always telling on him with their mom. Both, he feels, get away with almost anything while he is always the one getting into trouble with their parents. Manny, he often ignores, but Rodrick annoys him to the point that they once even got into a big fight in the middle of a church service. Local movies and teleseryes also play up on sibling rivalry themes, where brothers and/or sisters start fighting as kids, and then grow up to have resentments that often lead to fistfights, kidnappings, bloody gang wars, car explosions, etc. etc. ad nauseum.
Family Feud
Those scenes may be exaggerated cases of sibling rivalry, but as any mom with more than one child knows, fighting among sibs even over the most trivial things is a reality. According to Teacher Krissie Zamora-Martinez, research and curriculum development directress of the Montessori de Manila in Las Pinas, it is normal for siblings from childhood to young adolescence to quibble with their sibs. “It can manifest as soon as another child is born in the family and as soon as one feels left out or neglected for some reason.”
The possible root reasons, she says, “can be because of the birth of another sibling, when the focus and energy of the parents shift from the older child to the younger one. It can also be due to favoritism, or when a child perceives the parents to be taking another sibling's side.”
To illustrate how common the condition is, she cites her own up-close experience with the rivalry: “My sister's three school-aged boys, who are aged two.five, six, and eight, have regular bouts of sibling rivalry for the root causes I stated above. The youngest one doesn’t want to share his belongings, the middle child who just started his Grade 1 class is at the threshold between being a preschooler and a grade-schooler, so he vacillates between being jealous of the youngest one's toys and being afforded more "big boy" responsibilities like his kuya. The eldest sometimes dislikes having to look after his brothers' things since he feels he has "better" things to do with his time and independence.”
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Then, looking closely at her story, she explains several things, one of which is that the competition may be age- , or stage-related. “Age plays a role, and sibling rivalry differs depending on the age. For example, it is the nature of very young children to be possessive of their belongings (i.e. toys) because they are in the "I-me-myself" stage, so once another sibling poses a threat to his belongings, that's when rivalry starts. In older kids, they already have a sense of equality, justice, and fairness since they are beginning to form what Dr. Maria Montessori terms as a "practice society". Sibling rivalry kicks in when they feel that one is being treated unfairly by a parent/adult. This is often the case with an older child who thinks his younger sibling is being favored over him because the latter is younger, cuter, etc. This feeling extends to teenagers who might not take well to being held responsible for their younger siblings' actions, or looking after their younger siblings. At this age, they want to assert more independence, thus despising having to help with chores or taking care of the baby as this would mean less ‘me’ time, and more ‘taking care of sibling’ time.”
Stop the war!
Teacher Krissie also comments on this writer’s memories of going into no-holds-barred fisticuffs with her younger brother, saying that parents should step in before the WWE cage or the UFC Octagon is delivered to their homes. “Brawls are unavoidable and natural. Sometimes it serves as a way to expend the pent-up energy the siblings are feeling. However, this should not be the case most of the time. If the rivalry becomes too physical more often than not, then the parents must intervene. Parents must intervene when there is obvious and grave physical danger to the children, and of course in social settings. Otherwise, I say let them have a go at each other, especially with boys -- but there are limits of course! Simple shoving and pushing, the occasional hair-pulling and shouting, grabbing and harmless name-calling ("I don’t want to be your brother anymore!”) all happen in the heat of the moment. What the parents can do is to separate the kids until they clear their heads. In most cases, after this "heat of the moment" feeling, you will see them playing as if nothing happened. Again, this is a reassurance that sibling rivalry is natural.”
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She says that there is also a way to prevent the battle of the sibs in the first place. Here are some of her tips:
• Avoid getting into situations that would lead children to being rivals. For example, set a specific date day for each child.
• From time to time, let the younger one do things for the older one, so that the older one does not always have the feeling of being the caretaker.
• Let the children reach a compromise with whatever it is they are fighting over, such as a toy- let one play with it for 10 minutes, then hand it over to the other kid, and so on. Discuss these feelings of rivalry with them, especially with older children.
Normally, Teacher Krissie says, the skirmishes should come to an amicable end eventually, unless these feelings were not addressed by the parents -- or the parents themselves fuel this rivalry.
You may also want to read:
Sibling Rivalry: The Causes, Signs, and How You Can Deal With It
Photography by Jun Pinzon
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