The Challenges of being a Solo Parent

Parenting is a daunting task for most, if not all, people. For some, it is even more challenging because they need to face the journey alone, either by their own choice or because of circumstances beyond their control.

What exactly do solo parents go through? Here, real-life single parents share their stories, struggles and joys with us:

Jackielyn Rhio Guerrero is a 23-year-old customer service associate with a four-year-old son.  She shares how she became a single mom: “I was in college when I got pregnant - blame it on curiosity. When I found out, the father said he wasn’t ready to face this responsibility. From then on, I knew that I had to be strong and prepare myself for the future, since I wouldn’t be getting any support from my baby’s father.”

Despite this, Jackie carried her baby to term, encouraged by the love and support of her family. Her father helped her out not just emotionally, but financially as well, until she got her own job last year. “Those were the times when I told myself that I really need to be a good parent to my child, especially since he only had me to depend on,” she shares.

It has not been an easy course. Jackie says that one of the greatest challenges she faced when it came to being a solo parent was when her son asked about his father. “It is quite hard to explain our situation to him, although at four years old I know he can already somehow feel that he is lacking a “father figure,” she says.

It is also very hard for Jackie whenever her son gets sick, as there is no one else to care for him except her. During those times, she has to absent herself from work so she can watch over him.

Financial stability is another concern for Jackie, much like other solo parents. “Since his father does not support us, I shoulder all the expenses, including my son’s school tuition and medicines.”

 

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Even with all these challenges, Jackie also recounts the joys of being a mother to her son. “I am able to watch and experience all the “first” captured moments of my son from the day I gave birth to him - first cry, first smile, first word, first step, first crawl, first vaccine, first time to eat solid food, first birthday, first day in school and a lot more. Truly fulfilling!” she shares.

“Further, it will be my decision how to raise him, and I will be able to oversee his progress and how he learns day by day,” Jackie continues.

She also says that their mother-son relationship is “whole” and strong – “the bonding is there whenever and wherever you may go. We have the time to go out, play and explore things I want him to learn about and experience.”

Thirty one-year old Sherlyn P. Clerigo shares the same sentiments as Jackie. As a mom to her daughter Shanen, she says she enjoys the closeness that they have established. “What we have is more than a mother-daughter relationship. She shares almost everything with me, including her crushes, which I was shy to do with my mom before.”

Sherlyn, like many other single moms out there, got pregnant out of wedlock. “The relationship didn't work,” she shares. “To be specific, he worked abroad and, sad to say, never came back.”

Sherlyn says that being a solo parent is quite challenging, especially when one has to take care of one’s child and work at the same time. “It's hard especially when she's sick - you really have to take leave from work until she gets well. It's also a big problem when your yaya decides to quit her job and leave you without any replacement. These incidents always force me to use up my emergency leaves,” she expounds.  

“It’s also difficult figuring out how to make sure that she will always be emotionally stable and confident: that having no dad doesn't make her a lesser person compared to other girls,” Sherlyn adds.

“Girls are most likely to become `Daddy's girls’ right? But in our case, my daughter didn't have that chance. She sometimes gets envious of her classmates, and even told me one day, `Mommy, I already saw all of my classmates' dads, but I haven't seen my own dad yet.’ And she ended that statement with a “hmmp!” Statements like these from her little girl always break Sherlyn’s heart.

 

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“I also find it hard to make her understand that while there is nothing wrong with our current setup, she should still strive to have a complete family, composed of a mom and a dad, when it's her turn to build her own family in the future,” Sherlyn says further. It is difficult to do this without affecting her daughter’s self-esteem, because currently their situation is the exact opposite.

“I need to make sure that while I build the right values in her, she also gains confidence and believes that as long as there is love, regardless whether her daddy is with us or not, we are still a family. She can most definitely build and achieve her dreams and soar as high as she wants,” Sherlyn tells us.  
 
Despite all her fears and difficulties, Sherlyn says she feels “fulfilled” seeing her daughter grow with the values that she'd like her to have. “It's so flattering when people praise my daughter and say I raised her well. My friends, who are first-time moms with little girls too, even ask me how I trained my daughter to be so confident about opening up everything to me and how she came to treat me as her best friend.”

Kris* (not her real name), a thirty-two-year old single mom to 1 year old M.B., has a more “dramatic” story to tell. Being in a 2 year-relationship with her “ex” was apparently not enough time to know the “real him.”

“A month before we learned I was pregnant, we got engaged. Since I was already in the family way, we decided to have a civil wedding first as soon as possible, as I was worried about how people would think, especially at work. We had already set the date, informed godparents, prepared a small reception and taken care of other important details. To cut the long story short, it was during those days of preparation that I started to realize that my boyfriend had the potential of making me an emotionally-battered wife. I decided to leave him. When I gave birth, he still tried to get back with me, but I didn't want to take the risk anymore,” Kris shares.

Since her daughter is already one year old, Kris says she dreads the time when she has to explain to her why “she didn't grow up with a dad.” Being a solo parent is also difficult not just financially, but logistically as well. “Right now, it's not easy to go to places like churches, malls, restaurants, supermarkets, etc without someone else to at least help you with the baby bag,” she says.

 

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Being a single mom is not without its silver linings of course. “I was surprised to discover how good, loving and responsible a mother I have become. Second, the love that I get back from my little girl is priceless. I never thought that a baby could make me feel so special. Third, she inspires me in EVERYTHING I do. I want to be the best that I can be just thinking of her,” Kris enthusiastically shares.

Ellen Bongco-Madlangbayan is a different kind of solo parent. This 43-year-old homeschool mom (to her youngest son, who is 8) used to be a teacher at San Beda. Her two other sons are already teenagers, and she is raising all three boys as an “on and off” single mom. Why “on and off?” Her husband has been working as a seaman for almost 20 years.

“As a single mom, which is the role I take when my husband boards the ship, I have learned to pay attention to the littlest details, “listen” to my children’s signals, and then act accordingly,” Ellen shares.

However, she would always take extra caution when it came to her kids’ safety. “I was very reluctant to let them play in the streets or let them go anywhere in the evening. There was nothing that seemed safe enough to me,” she says.

Like Jackie and Sherlyn, Ellen says that having a sick kid is also very difficult when one is a solo parent. “I do not have anyone except myself, and maybe one of my older kids, to help out with the younger kids. But mostly it is just me doing everything. I think God gives us moms some kind of powers though. A mother’s touch is an amazing healer and bonding force during such tough times,” she shares.

Ellen also says that her biggest challenge as a solo mom is her inability to “play the role of a dad” especially to her two teenage sons. “It’s a struggle to get the kids to stay on task and listen to me. I need to treat them with respect but give them the logical consequences for any misbehavior.”

“It is also important for me to keep cool and try to stay patient,” she continues. “When my children do something wrong or insist on doing something which I believe is wrong, I try to reason with them patiently, without being too harsh. I strive to discipline them in a firm and loving way. Parents should never expect children to live by a higher standard of conduct than their own, particularly when actions do not match words.”

 

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No matter how hard being an OFW’s wife is, Ellen never fails to look at the bright side. “Our kids are only young once so I enjoy them now. Getting down to their level physically is so important. I listen to their joys and pains. I play games with them, and tickle them no matter how old they think they are. We enjoy doing things together, such as reading, walking, playing and cleaning the house. What children want most is our attention,” she says.

Ellen also says that being aware of the "positive side” of parenting teens helps her to feel more competent and to enjoy her teenaged kids more. “As I see my teens grow in independence, such as being responsible for waking up on time, doing homework and chores, I know that all my hard work is being rewarded with the ultimate gift – independent, capable, loving children who are growing into positive, hardworking, productive adults.”

38-year-old dentist Maricar Cortes Santillan, like Ellen, is a “pseudo single mom.” She has been so since her second trimester of pregnancy, as her husband also works overseas for long periods of time. In fact, he saw their son for the first time only when he was already a month old.

“Although I have a yaya, I am very hands-on in taking care of Joaquin, even during the times when my husband is home. Last year, he was able to stay home for almost 8 months to be with the baby. However, he had to leave for work again in April, so during most of the difficult periods of parenting an infant, now a toddler, it is mostly just me doing everything,” Maricar shares.

“Even when my hubby was here, he was just `on the sidelines.’ Let's just say he provides for us financially, but I do most of the leg work. At times when the budget falls short, I also have to find ways to augment our income.”

Maricar says she finds it challenging to bring up their son to become a ”God-fearing, fine gentleman.” This is because she is “alone in bringing him up most of the time” and feels the pressure from these expectations.

It is also difficult knowing how to make her son feel confident, even if he is growing up with only one parent for most of his formative years. Maricar says she tries to make her son feel that he is not less-loved by his father even if he is away most of the time.

 

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“He should never feel that he is deprived of anything, material or otherwise, most especially of love and affection. I should see to it that although it's usually just me and Joaquin against the world, my son is safe and feels safe,” she shares.

Despite all these trials and difficulties, Maricar rejoices in the fact that she and Joaquin share a bond that is unique, “one that only the two of us can share.” She expounds: “My world evolves around him and in his eyes I see and feel I am his world.”

“I am used to being left behind by the important men in my life. My father, my brother, my husband had to be away for a long time because of work. Having a son and bringing him up reassured me that from now on I am not alone and I will never be alone, although I know, of course that he will also someday leave the nest.”

At the end of the day, most of us know just how challenging and nerve-wracking being responsible for another person’s life is, particularly if that person is a little child that we brought into this world. That is why, in the author’s personal opinion, single parents, whether “genuine” or “pseudo,” especially deserve all the support and encouragement that they can get from the people around them.

To all you solo parents out there, we salute you!


Photography by David Hanson Ong