The Mistake (Some) Mothers Make

They love with all their heart and work with all their might.  They’d do anything for their children.  Mothers – can they ever do anything wrong?

Yes, they can.  Mothers are making a big mistake if they give too much and expect too little from their children.

Dan Kindlon, Ph.D., an adjunct assistant professor at Harvard University and author of Too Much of a Good Thing, says "We're hurting our children by expecting too little and giving too much -- too many toys, too much help, too much leeway in how they can behave."

In a study he conducted in 2002, Dr. Kindlon found that of the 2,400 parents surveyed, 91% said that they are more lenient nowadays.  They also admit that it’s not always a good thing. Dr. Kindlon explains, "We want open communication with our kids, not dictatorial rule. We want, to some extent, to be their friends. But sometimes that desire comes at a price: not being able to set a limit when a child needs it."

He says parents need to realize that by not setting limits, they are hindering their children’s character development.  When they are too protective, children miss the chance of learning important life lessons that they will need as adults.  This misplaced kind of love does more harm than good, and often, it’s the mother who has the tendency to overindulge the kids.

If you feel like you’ve somehow started parenting on the wrong foot and realize that it’s a big mistake, it’s never too late to change the order of things.  Start small.  Here are some ways you can prevent further damage :

1.    Make mealtime a no-electronics time.  Turn off the TV.  Make a rule that no mobile phones or gaming consoles should be present at the dinner table. Reclaim family time by getting rid of all possible distractions.  

 

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2.    Don’t buy something for your child just because every one of his friends has it.  Even if he throws a fit, or threatens, or storms out.  Be firm.  It’s a difficult transition – especially if they’re used to getting their way all the time – but it’s got to start somewhere if you want real change to take place.  

3.    Have expectations.  Don’t just think it, though - let the kids know that they are expected to behave well, in or outside the house.  When this expectation is verbalized, it becomes real and they know you mean it.

4.    Allow your children to suffer the consequences.  When your heart is breaking at the sight of your little one sulking at one corner after being berated, it is so easy to just let him off the hook.  Console yourself by thinking, “What can my child learn from this lesson?”  If you let him go, it will be that “I can get away with it”.

5.    Give them age-appropriate responsibilities.  According to Robert Billingham, Ph.D., a human development specialist at Indiana University in Bloomington, "Parents tend to forget that responsibility is a learned skill.”  Kids have to be given some according to their age and abilities, or “they get a sense that nothing is required of them."

The idea of a democracy in the home, where everyone is free to do as he pleases – even the kids – may stem from our desire to step out of our own parents’ style, thus we go out of our way to be demonstrative of our feelings where our parents were not, or encourage children to voice out their opinions in contrast to the old belief that children should be seen, not heard. But these could easily get out of hand if you’re not careful, and soon or late your role as a parent might end up not being respected anymore.  But children need structure at home, and boundaries to help them weed out wrong from right behavior.  "Kids find security in limits and consistency," says Charles Thompson, Ph.D., a professor of educational psychology and counseling at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville.  Put your foot down when you need to, and someday they’ll thank you for it.


Sources:
•    “11 New Ways to be the Meanest Mom Around” www.imom.com
•    Nancy Wartik. “Parents who love too much” www.parents.com


Photo from sxc.hu