I Came Out To My Dad Who’s A Pastor, His Reply Stunned Me

I have always looked forward to Sundays when I was a kid. My dad was a pastor and that meant I would get to see my Sunday school playmates and learn about the Bible and Jesus. It is safe to say I grew up in the church.

Papa would sometimes play the guitar or even lead worship on Sundays, but most of the time he would stand behind an old wooden pulpit while carrying his worn out leather Bible and preach. He would preach about love. But I can also vividly remember him telling me not to ‘like’ boys.

When I was a kid, I knew I was different. I always played with girls and found it hard to relate to the boys at school. Papa taught me a lot of ‘manly’ things just so I could be ‘manlier’. I knew that he also knew that I’m not into women, but he would brush it off and say that I’m just artistic.

Coming out to my dad

One evening in December 2019, my family and I were at a beach in Bataan. I had so much fun with them and it was the holiday season and I ended up drinking too much that night.

A joke, or maybe it was more a patama, hit a nerve.

“Ito si Sam ang pag-asa ng angkan natin, kaya dapat mag-asawa at mag-anak ka ng marami,” I was told. I burst out in tears of frustration because I knew I couldn’t give Papa what he wanted because of who I really am. I was so drunk that I was spewing a lot of words that night. I yelled to Papa, “Anong magagawa ko eh bading ako? Bakit nasa akin lahat ng pressure?”

My Papa replied,  'If you’re going to hell, then let me walk to hell with you.'

The silence that came after that was deafening. I stormed out and walked to nowhere. My mind was telling me that I should just disappear because I couldn’t take the pressure of having to give my father a grandchild, just to make him proud. My Tita went after me and graciously asked me to stay at the backseat of the car to calm myself down.

After a while, Papa entered the car to check in on me.

Papa sat beside me and asked me, “Anak, what’s wrong?” I burst out in tears again, partly because I was too ashamed of who I was. But I was crying because I knew that my Papa would never accept or understand someone like me.

“Diba sabi mo people like us deserve to be in hell?! You always say that!” I shouted. I was hysterical. My Papa said nothing at first, instead he pulled me and hugged me tight. There were tears in his eyes. I was confused. Why was Papa crying too?

Then he said, “If you’re going to hell, then let me walk to hell with you.”

'I’ve never cared what anyone thought, as long as Papa loved me not because of what I can give or do for him, but because of who I am, his son.' -Mark*

I bawled like a baby when I heard that from him. His hug was so tight, it was almost hard to breathe. He kept hugging me and repeatedly said, “I love you” and “Sorry, anak”.

It was at that moment when I felt seen, accepted, and safe. I’ve never cared what anyone thought, as long as Papa loved me not because of what I can give or do for him, but because of who I am, his son.

Papa was not the perfect father. He had a lot of flaws I admit, but his imperfections made him the perfect person to understand and truly love an outcast like me. I learned that true love is liberating and has no conditions.

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It was just Father’s Day, and it’s our first without him. Papa went home to be with the Lord two weeks ago, as of this writing.

It hurts that you will not be here with us anymore, Papa. I will surely miss how I get to talk about anything under the sun with you without filter and judgment. 

Thank you for being an inspiration. Rest easy now, Pa. I love you.

Mark* is a freelance graphic artist who got his love for music and the arts from his late father.

 

SmartParenting.com.ph editors made minor edits to this story for clarity. Names have been changed at the request of the subject.