Single Parents: Alone But not Lonely

There are about 13.9 million Filipinos who are raising their kids as single parents.* Solo moms and dads have a lot more on their plate yet are expected to rear healthy, happy kids. How do they do it? Listen and learn from their heartaches, triumphs, and hopes.

Our panel

• Coach Pia Nazareno-Acevedo
Performance-management expert and certified life coach; mom to three boys, ages 13, 10, and 2

• Mayor Jun-Jun Binay
36 years old, mayor of Makati City, widower, and single dad to four kids, the youngest of which is four years old. He was married for four years.

• Marisa Yniguez Lerias
44 years old, general manager of British Airways Philippines; single mom to a 24-year-old and a 17-year-old. Her marriage was annulled after 16 years, but she and her ex-husband are in touch.

• Anthony Cruz**
43 years old, banker and single dad to a 12-year-old daughter with whom he has visitation rights. He was married to the mother of his child for three years before they separated.

• Jane Cruz**
Author, editor, English trainer, and reading specialist; single mom to five children, the youngest of which is nine years old. She no longer communicates with the father of her children.

1. How would you respond to people who say that a child being raised by only one parent will grow up feeling incomplete and have emotional problems?

Marisa: I saw no such manifestation [of emotional problems] in my children. My kids know that a mother and a father being apart is merely a matter of geography, and it doesn’t change the depth of our love. There may be longings and frustrations, but I explain to them that even families with both parents present are not exempt from challenges.

Jane: Without bitterness or scorn, my eldest son has told me, “I’ve been more of a dad to my brother than my father ever was.” He’s still a child, but he has already stepped into a pair of big shoes. My kids help me establish a happy, whole family.

Mayor Jun-Jun: My kids are still very young, but one thing I am certain of is that all of them receive so much love, care, and attention not only from me but also from our [extended] family. While it is true that a mother’s love is irreplaceable, I can see how my kids, especially the two older ones, are gradually coping with the pain and longing. I am proud that they have been thoughtful ates to the younger ones.

Coach Pia: Single parents need to put a premium on what kind of environment they are providing for their child. Is it one that is filled with affirmation and love? That’s what they need. Their childhood would be incomplete only if affirmation, love, and respect are missing from their environment. One must have the perspective that emotional problems are bound to happen. It comes with adolescence and the added pressure of growing up with only one parent. Prepare for this early on.  

2. What’s the best way a single parent can respond to a child who is looking for the other parent?

Mayor Jun-Jun: The first year of my wife’s passing was extremely difficult for us. While I was struggling to rise above my own grief, I had to put on a brave front. However, there was no attempt to hide the truth from them or sugarcoat it. It was best to be forthright about the fact that my wife, their mother, was gone so that we could accept it and gradually come to terms with our loss. I did my best not to break the nightly routine we had when their mom was still alive: washing up together before bedtime, reading stories and saying a prayer together. Keeping this ritual helped give me and my children a sense of constancy that provided a healing balm for our aching hearts and wounded souls.

Coach Pia: Respect your child by really listening to his question. A single parent needs to answer truthfully but in an age-appropriate manner. We never say, “I’ll talk to you about it when you’re older.” “Age-appropriate” means not burdening a child unnecessarily. Talk about it in a way that he will understand. You’ll be surprised— there are some single parents who don’t even say the name of their child’s father or mother. That could scar the children.

Don’t make your child think that there’s a secret. It could plant a deep insecurity in him, causing a lack of self-worth. Don’t avoid and don’t evade the question because once you do, your kid’s self-identity becomes unclear. Ultimately, what I’ve seen is that the single parents who answer these questions best are those who are comfortable with the choice they’ve made to raise the child by themselves.

Lastly, don’t allow yourself to be ambushed by the question. Your child could pop the question just about anywhere, such as at the grocery store or while you’re driving. Respond by telling him that it’s an important question and you need to give ample time for the two of you to discuss it, for example, when you are settled at home.

Marisa: I do not deprive my kids of their father’s love. They have access to him anytime they wish. I have never said anything bad about their dad. They love him, respect him, and accept him for who he is. On the same note, I don’t claim perfection and my kids are much aware of my faults as a mom and a wife.

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3. Should single parents make up for the absentee parent?
Marisa: It would become an artificial environment. I wouldn’t love my kids any less than I do now even if my husband and I had stayed together as a couple. Compensation, even in terms of material things, makes things uncomfortable. It doesn’t necessarily create a strong emotional bond between parents and children.

Coach Pia: There’s nothing you can do, really. You’re just one parent. There are limitations. There’s more harm done if you’re a woman and you try to act like a man to compensate for the missing parent. Children do need a role model. Find someone in your environment who can provide that for them—from family to good friends. Take your cue from your child. Observe whom he likes being with and communicate your child’s admiration and respect to that person.

Jane: I provide for my kids an environment full of inspiring and exemplary men to answer their need for a father figure. I have put my children in the company of men of character such as the international scholastics in the Ateneo de Manila University. They played soccer with my kids as they were growing up.                

Anthony: That’s like forcing someone to be who he is not. Be clear with your child that this is what your family looks like. Familiarize him with your family tree. I’m really thankful that in this country, we have the help of our extended families.  

Mayor Jun-Jun: What matters most is that we, solo parents, strive to make the most out of our present situation and hope that everything would work out fine for ourselves and our kids. Trying too hard to be both a good mom and dad can take its toll on one’s health and well-being. Try to dispel any preconceived notions about what ought to be a mother’s role or a father’s role in the family. Such stereotyping is no longer the norm. A parent can work with his strengths and optimize these to provide the best care possible for the children.

4. What is the best way a solo parent can respond to a child who wants to spend more time with her when work is waiting?

Coach Pia: My first advice: Don’t bring your work home. When you get home, you deserve to be with your child. Don’t make your kid feel like he is competing with your job. If your job is getting in the way of being with your child, then reconsider if you want that job in the first place. It may be better to seek a job that pays you less but lets you spend more time with your kid. If your child is clingy, you might be sending him a subconscious message of sadness and regret, making him feel kawawa when you’re not there. When a single parent is leaving for work, she should say with pride to her child that she is earning a living for them.

Anthony: I reassure my child that we’ll see each other soon. We plan the next visit. I tell her, “Let’s work it out with your mom.” This gives us something to look forward to.

Jane: I’ve given up jobs just so I could be with my three little boys. I’ve had to prioritize. I go where I’m needed most. As a solo parent, I’ve made tough choices such as homeschooling my kids. I’m ready to try [the unconventional] as long as it works for us.

Marisa: I share my work and other activities I’m involved in with my kids. I do not just live my life for them; I live it with them so that they are always a part of me.

Mayor Jun-Jun: So far, I have been able to manage my time so that neither my duties to my kids nor my obligations as mayor would suffer. I also make sure that when I make a promise to them, I deliver. But during times I need to be at work, I explain to them what I have to do and why I have to do it. Being candid yet gentle when saying no to your child’s clamor for attention is quite effective.

5. What kind of support would truly help solo parents?

Coach Pia: Build partnerships within the community. Work with the guidance office or the principal of your child’s school. Surround yourselves with supportive parents. They will be more than willing to help with homework or school activities.

Anthony: I am blessed because my family, my friends, and the communities I’m part of understand my situation.

Marisa: Genuine friends who hold you in deep affection and who don’t condemn you for your situation or circumstances are a big support.

Mayor Jun-Jun: The best source of support is family. I have been blessed with four sisters who are always there to help me look after my four children. My parents are always there to give me advice and to inspire me to be a good and responsible father.

Jane: One simple and meaningful support that would truly help a solo parent is withholding judgment. I’ve been judged for having been left for another woman, which isn’t even true. I’ve been judged for being unemployed while I was taking care of five young children. I could do without these.

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6. What should single parents prioritize?

Jane: My kids’ education, their nutrition, and their spirituality. I’ve had to homeschool my children when I couldn’t afford private schools and my kids didn’t thrive in a public school. Today, some of my kids have bagged scholarships at international schools and I know that it was out of my commitment to their education. I’ve been able to concoct a healthy dish for my kids that can sustain us for the day even if it’s the only meal we have. We don’t eat junk food, no matter what.

Lastly, my most important role as a parent is to raise godly children. Amidst my incredible trials, I have shown my kids that it is worthwhile to put all my hope and trust in God, because He always sees us through.

Marisa: The education and values formation of my children. They are such crucial factors. The best advice I can give is to make your children your best friends. Keep their dreams and priorities in your sights and cheer them on in whatever they do.

Mayor Jun-Jun: The well-being of my children, giving them a safe and comfortable home where they feel loved and cherished, and devoting enough bonding time with them.

Coach Pia: Get help. Pretending to be tough isn’t good. Ask yourself the difficult questions now while your child is still young. Don’t worry so much about the money. What I notice is single parents get fixated on earning, so the emotional needs of the child are left to the yaya or the grandparents. Money should be a priority, of course. Make ends meet. But don’t pour all of yourself into the fear that you will be poor. Any decision made out of fear is not a good decision.  Lastly, I’ve seen that getting involved in the community can be very healing for single parents. They realize they’re so blessed and their self-pity disappears.

Anthony: I make my child my priority. I rearrange my schedule around the times she will see me.
For single parents with an ex, it would be good to try to have a workable relationship with them. Do it for your child. There’s no room for pride or blame when it comes to your child.

7. Would you encourage a solo parent to have a romantic relationship (again) or remarry?

Coach Pia: Definitely! I would recommend it as long as they’re not doing it for the child. They should be looking for a partner for themselves, and not searching for a new mother or father for their child. Talk to a child psychologist before you marry so you can properly plan for a smooth transition. Before considering marriage, talk to your partner about discipline and parenting styles. These are potential areas of conflict. Contradicting each other in these areas isn’t good for the child. And involve your kids, especially when they are three years old and above. They have an opinion already!

Mayor Jun-Jun: Everyone has a right to happiness. Losing one’s partner in life, for whatever reason, can cause loneliness, depression, even bitterness. But we have a choice on how to deal with it. Right now, my children are my greatest source of strength and inspiration. I am not discounting the possibility that someday I may fall in love again and remarry. For now, I am content being a father to my children.

Marisa: My greatest fear is to grow old alone. But I will not rush into another relationship. My kids know this and I know they love me enough to want to see me happy.

Anthony: Yes, definitely! My only advice is to make sure your prospective partner knows you’re a package deal. That is a non-negotiable. Make that clear from the start.

8. Any advice for single parents who feel alone and are on the verge of giving up?
 

Marisa: Being single is just a state of mind. One thing that can bring you peace and contentment is not harboring any ill feelings towards your spouse. Pray that he finds happiness. Your kids, who look up to you, only imbibe what is inside you.

Coach Pia: If you’re feeling really burdened or burnt out, know that this is natural. Don’t expect it to be any easier even if you were with someone. Please don’t sacrifice your social life. Your sanity is very important. If you think that being a martyr by cutting your friends out of your life is good for your child, then you’re selling your child short. He deserves to meet you as a happy person who has maintained a sense of individuality.

Mayor Jun-Jun: Always look for the silver lining. When the going gets tough, take time out for yourself, even for a short while. You’re just human. You need time to recharge your tired soul. Keep your faith strong and unshakeable through constant prayers.  

Anthony: You are not alone. There’s nothing wrong with you— and there’s nothing wrong with reaching out, too. Don’t think you are tied to your child now and you can resume your life later. You are a parent for life. So choose to live a fulfilled and happy life now. You’ll give that to your child as well.

 

* Data taken from the Department of Health (DOH) and the University of the Philippines - National Institute for Health (UP-NIH) as of March 2011.
**Names have been changed for privacy.

Image from blog.timesunion.com