10 Things you should not Say to your Pregnant Wife

Dealing with a spouse when her hormones are twitchy during certain times of the month can be quite a pickle. Multiply that by a factor of ten when she’s got a bun in the oven. Here’s a handy guide for what not to say to your pregnant significant other so as not to get you summarily executed.

1. “Is it mine?”
Only local politicians, reality TV stars and individuals with a fondness for sniffing glue have the gall to ask this (the gall, not the right). The reason why a woman is telling you she is pregnant with your child is because it is YOUR child she is pregnant with. If you don’t believe her, what are you two doing together?

2. “Wow, you’re so takaw (and variants of this)!”
Of course, she has an appetite. Not only is she eating for (at least) two, but she is also eating to literally have the strength to keep up with the extra load – it’s an extra 300 calories per day per baby in there. If she’s physically active, then she’ll need even more fuel. Unless you want to find out if she still remembers her old Muay Thay lessons the hard way, you’ll keep such comments to yourself.  

3. "Stop being so picky about food!"
There is a reason why our culture has the concept of paglilihi. You do not come between a pregnant woman and her chocolate covered sardine pasta – if that’s what she wants, let her have it. Weird cravings and morning sickness go hand-in-hand with each other and unless you want her to re-enact The Exorcist all over your clothes, don’t force her to eat things she doesn’t want. Neither should you taunt her with your favorite foods that she finds unpalatable, lest you get a re-enactment of The Exorcist II: The Death of the Dumb Husband Who is Fond of Durian.    

 

[previous|page|next]

4. “Hey Carlo, check this out!  She’s kicking!  Here, grab this.”
Just as you wouldn’t feel comfortable if someone your wife barely knows grabs her by the belly from out of the blue, it’s even more disconcerting if it happens while she’s pregnant. Just because you and Bogs from Accounting are such good buddies doesn’t mean it’s okay for Bogs to be thumping your wife’s gut like a ripe watermelon if she isn’t that close to him. Reign in the fatherly pride and think twice about violating your wife’s personal space.

5. “We are not naming our son/daughter after your father/mother/lolo/uncle’s-best-friend’s-cousin’s-yaya’s neighbor, AND THAT’S FINAL.”
If it’s someone near and dear to her and her heart is set, watch out! Now, if the idea really doesn’t sit well with you (Why would she want to name your child after her uncle’s-best-friend’s-cousin’s-yaya’s neighbor anyway?), give her other alternative names and be calm and civil about it. Do not make it a my-way-or-the-highway situation about naming your future bundle of joy.  

6. “Your boobs/butt/chin/any-other-body-part look huge/big/ginormous/elephantine/word-that-means-LARGE.”
Remember how when you were dating and you once joked that her pwet looked big?  Do you recall how depressed, sullen and angry she was after? Well, guess what - her reaction will be a hundred times worse if you say that now. You aren’t being funny, dude.

7.  "Why do we need birthing classes? Doesn't it come naturally? Let’s just get anesthesia."
Don’t trifle with labor preparations. The choice to go with natural birthing or drugs is a very important decision for your wife, especially if this is her first baby. She will want to read books, surf the net, take classes and get all the info she can to pull this off. She needs your support, not your sarcasm or indifference.

8. “I know exactly how you feel!”
In spite of the effects of Male Sympathetic Pregnancy Syndrome - namely fatigue, nausea and weight gain - guys cannot experience pregnancy (unless you’re Schwarzenegger in Junior). Man, you ain’t preggers and you nevah will be! Your lady doesn’t need you to whimper and moan in shared misery (that’s what her kumares are for). What she needs is for you to man up and be there for her.

 

[previous|page|next]

9. “What do you mean you can’t do the dishes/take out the trash/lift the heavy laundry/clean up the dog poo?  You’re pregnant, not disabled.”
She may not be disabled but her situation is no less challenging. Dirty dishes and garbage can make them nauseous because of the smell. Carrying heavy loads is risky as well and she can get toxoplasmosis if she’s exposed to animal feces. If you don’t have a helper, go be more helpful.

10. “Come on, it doesn’t hurt that bad.” (said during labor)
A famous comedian once described labor pains as the sensation of taking your lower lip and pulling it over the rest of your face to tie it around the back of your neck, then swallowing. Certain African tribes have a labor ritual where the mother grabs hold of her mate’s testicles while she gives birth – she can squeeze all she wants while the baby is in transit. Now, if you aren’t prepared to endure this, it might be better for you to just tell her how much you mean the world to her and keep the peace.  Unless you really are a glutton for punishment … heck, you’re on your own.

 

Photo by MeriaDuck via flickr creative commons