It can sometimes seem like your partner is from another planet—or still on it—when he appears slow to bond, and a bit more detached than you feel he should be as a father. He doesn’t coo over your new baby every time she crawls or giggles; he doesn’t take pleasure shopping for new baby shoes; he certainly doesn’t hang around the play pen as much as you. So what’s going on here?
First of all, let’s remember that while we women had a head start in the whole parenting thing, our men did not. Think, for example, how we have nine months to go through physical, emotional, and mental changes during pregnancy, giving ourselves the time we need to get adjusted to the thought of this new life—making plans for our future, and daydreaming about just how perfect our little one will be. During that time, we are conditioning ourselves slowly for the amazing, long-term life changes that are about to take place.
Our men, on the other hand, experienced no physical or emotional changes from the night they first ‘sowed the seed’, till the day of Baby’s birth. They went from independent cool guy, to must-be-responsible-father-now, overnight. And change never comes easy. Suddenly, they are expected to provide, nurture, and raise a brand new life—a whole other person. So, what to us comes as second nature, they may appear slow to grasp.
How can we make this parenting process easier on them? I asked a few fathers what works for them. I’ve also been observing my husband, and how marvelously he is doing at being a new parent. Here are ten ideas to help dad’s bonding time:
1. Appreciate the little things he does.
Does he wake up once a week to rock the baby back to sleep? Appreciate him even just for that, and tell him all that you admire. He’s trying, and it’s easy as asking us (well, some of us) to go and repair the truck.
2. Encourage him to get involved in the physical, sporty activities.
Once your child is old enough to stand, your partner plays a key role in teaching him physical coordination and testing his own strength. Dad may like to be the one to build the play pen, to model a gadget board for baby, or to construct a climbing device. My husband John once made a simple contraption out of bamboo, which our little boy loved! It still hangs out in our living room.
3. Schedule a time that is just for them.
Kids know—and love—that dad brings a different kind of fun into their little lives. Their special time may be in the early mornings, when baby is up ready to play, and you just want to crawl back in bed. While you get your 15 minutes extra sleep, dad can take baby outside and show him the world waking up to a new day. Baby will love this routine, and look forward to it.
Click here to see more tips on how to help your husband bond with baby.
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Read on to see more tips on how to help your husband bond with baby.
4. Dads can use their talents—musical, or otherwise—to help kids identify with them
Oying, a father of 3 girls and 1 boy, says, "My kids have a special song which I sang to them when they were babies. Now that they have grown up, we still sing those songs once in awhile. The songs have become our links to one another."
5. Let them rough it up a bit, and do boyish stuff together (even if your child is a girl)
Biker dad, Haro Echter, tells what works when the kids are a little older: "Buy him a toolbox with tools and let him fix his toys and bikes himself. Mine ends up bringing his tools when I am working on my own bike; I just tell him not to use his steel hammer on my chrome parts!"
6. Bond during baths and bedtime
Babies love baths, and they associate it with care and personal attention. Let strong, capable dad be the one in charge of baths once in awhile. He may at first be nervous about holding such a delicate, slippery thing, but once he tries taking him in the bath, he will see how much baby likes being held by something so secure and strong. This might just be the first time you’ll notice your partner’s extremely tender side, and what could be sweeter?
Sometimes, it’s bedtime that comforts your child the most. Frank, a single Dad for many years, recalls, ‘My daughter was always afraid I would leave her. So to bond with her and gain her trust I would hold her hand every night ‘til she fell asleep.’
7. Let dad feed them every now and then
Show him how to cut bite size pieces for your child (when they are old enough and teething), watch them enjoy this very manly activity. (Food now, drinks later!)
8. Encourage him to read to baby
“It is really important to have those times with kids, which is 100% for them, and where they feel special. It makes us feel more special too," says Justin, an educator in Croatia, "I had a link with one kid; she could barely walk but would bring me books and say, Read books! I knew I needed to drop everything and just read books with her; it was wonderful. Now that she is nine years old, I hear she is reading stories to other kids, too. It was a great bonding activity that helped her develop reading, a skill that she now really loves.”
Click here to see more tips on how to help your husband bond with baby.
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Read on to see more tips on how to help your husband bond with baby.
9. Let them horse around
Raju, a seasoned father, shares, "We hang out, in a large, spacious and safe room with gooey food, and chewy toys. We toss things, lie down, or play horsey. I am using the same technique with a 3 month old Labrador retriever. Both species—toddlers and baby Labradors—have the same bonding needs. No intrusion, no coercion, no demands. Just be!"
10. Don’t rescue the child prematurely
Show your partner a little respect. Don’t make it worse for him by always interrupting, or trying to control his parenting style, or taking baby from him every time you hear her cry. As a father, he needs the reassurance that he can handle dad duties, so let him do his best at it. His best—not yours.
About the author: Nyx Martinez was a child educator in Southeast Asia and East Africa. She is mom to a feisty one-year-old, and blogs about her adventures at www.notesbynyx.wordpress.com
Photos by Nyx Martinez
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