Together with horrendous traffic, panic shopping, breaking the budget, and uncontrollable overeating comes another top Christmas cringe: the family reunion. On top of everything else you need to do this season, you also have to make sure that your nerves are ready for what your relatives - or worse, your husband’s - throw at you the moment they lean in for a beso.
Sheila Rodriguez*, mom of two, comes home to the Philippines every Christmas to spend time with family. However, since she lives in another country, she is usually the target of much unwanted criticism: “Wow! I haven’t seen you in a long time! Are you really Sheila? The Sheila I know is slim and sexy! You had your baby lang, you let yourself go na.”
There’s no way to escape these embarrassing situations. Here’s how you can prep yourself for them and still enjoy the rest of the holidays.
The sting: “You’re fat!” …or too thin, or your dress is too short, or your hair is too long. Whatever the zing, criticism about how you look never goes down well.
The script: “Well, I ate that skinny girl and this fat girl is here to stay!” Or crack some other joke. According to Herald Cruz, Center for Family Ministries (CEFAM) parenting cluster head and family counselor, “In Filipino culture, it’s part of a greeting to comment on weight. So it’s important that your self-esteem is strong. You can turn it around and say, ‘Ikaw rin.’ Just don’t take it personally.”
His wife, co-head of the CEFAM parenting cluster and certified life coach Melissa Pizaña-Cruz, says not to let it get to you. “They might not mean it in the vein that you receive it. The ones who make these comments—are these the people you’re trying to please? Do you really care about their opinions?” Usually the answer is no. So keep your chin up and smile.
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The sting: “Where’s your husband?”Usually an innocent question, but how do you respond if you’ve recently separated and the wounds are still fresh?
The script: “He couldn’t make it.” Your reply depends on how ready you are to talk. If your relatives have no idea and you aren’t ready to broadcast what will become juicy gossip, Pizaña-Cruz says, “Give part of the truth so you don’t get into trouble. Say he’s somewhere else.” Bec Ledonio Yao, Ph.D. in child and family studies, says that if you’re ready to talk, you can politely say, “We have gone our separate ways.” If the question is sarcastic, however, and you know they are aware of the situation, you can make a joke and say you told him to go to (fill in your choice of place).
Pizaña-Cruz adds that if you have children, it is important to brief them beforehand. “Prime them already. ‘Daddy won’t be with us; people might ask about Daddy.’ Tell them what you want them to say. Maybe something like, ‘Daddy is not with us right now.’”
The sting: “Why can’t your son walk yet and hers already can?”Any form of comparison between your child and someone else’s is enough to unleash your claws.
The script: “The doctor says he’s fine and children grow and develop differently.” Even if you’re burning with a sharp, angry comeback, pull out your trump card: the doctor. This will most likely put them in their place. Pizaña-Cruz says you can add that your son is more advanced when it comes to other things such as language skills. Just try not to sound too defensive because it might backfire. She adds, “It is very important for a parent to know what’s right for her child’s age.” That way, comments like this won’t faze you.
The sting: “It’s so great to see you again! I’ve missed you so much!”But you cannot, for the life of you, remember her name or who she is. Cringe.
The script: “Hi, Tita!” If she looks your age, just ditch the labels. Dr. Yao says, “Hug, kiss, and pretty soon, you’ll remember her name. If you still don’t, then you might have unconsciously erased her from your memory bank.” If that happens, Pizaña-Cruz says, “Later, ask a close cousin what the relative’s name is.”
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The sting: “Don’t tell us you’re afraid of your wife!” You overhear this as your titos and kuyas gang up on your husband, and you want to tell them off.
The script: There is none.Stay put and shut up. Cruz stresses, “Don’t rescue your husband. Let him fight his own battle.” Dr. Yao agrees. “If you know your husband, you’ll know he can stand on his own around these older men.”
Pizaña-Cruz adds, “If you interfere, don’t do it during the reunion; it would look like he’s henpecked. If you’re not happy with whatever happens, talk about it after the event. He’ll appreciate that.”
The sting: “Remember when you pooped in the swimming pool when you were a young girl?” Even if this happened when you weren’t even one, it’s still embarrassing. Will the shameful stories ever end?
The script: “I know! It’s a good thing it will never happen again!”No, the shame will never end. And if you show them it affects you, it will get worse! Pizaña-Cruz says to just agree and not fight it. Cruz agrees, “If you fight it, they’ll just talk behind your back. They’ll pick on you some more. People love to tease those who are pikon.”
Dr. Yao says, “Get used to it. The more you grow to be a confident, charming person who has come into her own, these stories will multiply every year. These are meant to embarrass you. The stories will stop once they realize they’re not getting the malicious fun they want out of it.”
The sting: “Merry Christmas! Here’s something for you!”But you don’t have anything for her. Oops.
The script: “Merry Christmas! Thank you so much!”Pizaña-Cruz says, “You don’t need to say you didn’t get them anything. Be gracious and when you get back home, buy them something and send it to their house.” She also suggests bringing along generic emergency gifts just in case.
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The sting: “… And you know what else you should do with your life…”A long drawn-out monologue by an obnoxious relative can be enough to send you seeking the punch bowl.
The script: “Excuse me, Tito, I need to go to the bathroom.” And head to the bathroom. When you come back, your uncle should already be up in someone else’s business. Pizaña-Cruz says to also try a change of perspective, “Try to see what that relative is looking for. It’s usually affirmation and attention. So when they’re giving advice, just ride with it. Say you’ll try it.”
Cruz adds, “It’s an act of kindness to yourself to walk away at a certain point.” Dr. Yao agrees, “Everything is your choice. If you want to torture yourself on this joyful season, you’re one masochistic person. But if you just want to be charitable, then give this obnoxious relative a little of your time and be comforted with the thought that you only get to see him once a year!”
Photo by redtimmy via flickr creative commons
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