9 Pinays Open Up on Why They Don't Want to Have Kids

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(Editor's note: Below is an excerpt from a feature that appeared in Cosmo.ph. For the full article, please click here.)

I have been waiting for something like this to come out in Philippine media for the longest time, but nothing has satisfied my thirst for validation and belongingness so far. This is a conversation that needs to be started, because it's a reality many Pinays face: People judge us for choosing to be child-free. We are called selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed, and frankly, abnormal. And so I posted a callout on social media, asking friends if they want to open up about their decision not to have kids. 

Eight brave women got in touch with me. Read our stories here. 

Please describe that moment you knew you didn’t want kids. What was the biggest factor that influenced your decision?

Charlene: When I was 26, I wanted to get married to have a child. All of that changed after I got married and saw other couples who have children. Having a realistic viewpoint on bearing and raising a child also helped me paint a clear picture of what I’ll be going through. Can I handle it all? Do I have the means, the urge, and the commitment to go through all that?

Three years have passed since I got married at 26, and I still haven’t gotten an answer to all of those questions. My health is also one the biggest factors that I considered because I easily get sick. My husband doesn’t want my health to get compromised should I bear a child. He doesn’t want to share my attention with another person as well. My husband and I enjoy interacting with other people’s children, but having one of our own is completely not our priority, considering all the financial and health problems we’ll go through.

We assessed our current lifestyle, our freedom to go out, do what we want in our own time, etc., and we both agreed that we are completely happy and content with what we have right now, just the two of us against the world.

Crisha: I can't recall any particular moment when I knew that I didn't want kids. The idea snowballed from many moments observing my friends with their kids, and hearing their stories of struggle. And somehow even assurances that the rewards far exceed the sacrifices aren't enough to convince me yet.

Ella: My father died early, leaving my mother to raise three children as a single parent. Seeing how difficult it was for my mom to transition from being a housewife to a breadwinner made me think then how it would have been easier if she didn't have kids.

Then in college, I had a chance to go on several international exchange programs in highly developed countries where couples choose to have one or no children at all in order to enjoy a high quality of living. This exposure reinforced my decision not to have kids.

Grace: I always thought I’d have kids because that seemed like the normal thing to do. You grow up, get a job, find a man to marry, then you have children. I still remember being asked at 13 years old if I wanted a son or a daughter in the future. I even picked out names for my future babies! It wasn’t until college that I realized that I had a choice; I didn’t need to follow this strictly laid-out path.

A few days before my college graduation, I started making a list of what I wanted to be/do after school. The long list included things such as: traveling the world, finding a job I loved, writing a novel, finding the perfect partner to settle down with, and so on. After writing the 100 item list, I noticed that nowhere in that list did I mention kids in any way, shape, or form. There wasn’t really a specific deciding factor for me.

Jacinda: I was firm with my decision of not wanting to have kids very early on in my teens. This decision came about from being heavily influenced by Western Media (magazines, books, movies, and TV shows)—most significantly by Sex and the City. This show not only served as my sex ed but it gave me the option to lead my life as I wanted to. I was exposed to a world where women lived their lives as they chose and lived it without any shame or guilt

Jenny: It was never just one moment. Ever since moving outside of Asia a few years ago, I slowly became conscious of life path options I never thought was available to me growing up. I never questioned it either because I had always believed that life naturally progressed that way, just because. I am now very aware that the influences of society, tradition, and religion are very strong, and it wasn’t until I stepped outside of my bubble did I realize that concepts that once belonged in foreign movies done by "others" did not have to be. Biggest factor: moving outside of the Philippines.

Jillian: My mother quit working soon after I was born (I am the youngest of three girls), and dedicated her life to taking care of the family. I am fully aware of the sacrifices she had to make to be the amazing mother I know her to be, and part of it was giving up her career and focusing on her husband and her three daughters. She didn’t have to make that choice, but she did, and I admire her for that. I know quitting her career was the best solution she knew she could take care of us the way she wants to, and every day I am thankful I have such a selfless mother.

But I know I cannot be as selfless and dedicated as she is. I cannot pick up my child from school every day as she did. I cannot cook dinner, manage the household, and maintain a thriving career. One thing would suffer, and for me, I know it would be my children. I would resent them for robbing me of my personal time, and then I’d feel guilty, and then I’d hate myself. My marriage would probably fall apart, because I would be unhappy. I am the type of person who wants to do an amazing job at least 80% of the time. The 20% that is mediocre, I still have to learn not to beat up myself about. So instead of having kids, I’d rather not—and I am content coming to terms with that. On the plus side, I have five nieces and two nephews plus more disposable income, so yay, I get to spoil them and be the best aunt ever!

Is this something you and your partner decided on?

Charlene: Definitely yes, we both decided on it. We never had an argument, only discussions about what-if scenarios, like if I get complications during pregnancy or during delivery, if we can’t afford a good school or we’re not good enough to be responsible parents for our kid. We were still boyfriend-girlfriend, 11 years into our relationship, at the time I asked him if he would still accept me if I decide not to have any children. He said he’d rather go bother other people’s kids than raise his own.

Grace: We both entered the relationship knowing that we didn’t want to have kids. The topic came up very early when we first started dating.  Since we were both on the same page, it never became a problem. We also lived together for a year before getting married, and that reinforced our decision even further.

Jillian: Definitely. I told him I didn’t want kids, and although at first we thought we wanted them, after a decade of being in a relationship we realized it was not for us. We call ourselves P.A.N.K.s and P.U.N.K.s—Professional Aunt, No Kids and Professional Uncle, No Kids. And yes, these are real terms, coined by Melanie Notkin of Savvy Auntie!

Vanessa: I met my boyfriend a year after coming home from the US. I was open about my life perspectives in our casual conversations prior to us deciding to date each other. He tried to get to know me and understand where I was coming from. I’m lucky that I have a man who really sees me as a partner he wants to be with vs. seeing me as a partner to be the mother of his future kids (I'm not saying that all guys who end up with someone just look 

UP NEXT: What's the most offensive reaction you've received after telling someone you don't want to become a mother? 

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What’s the most offensive reaction you’ve received after telling someone you don’t want to become a mother? 

Charlene: "You’ll change your mind." "Have a baby." "Having children or not is definitely not only your choice, it is also HIS (God)." "How about adoption?" "Who’s going to inherit my stuff?" "Having children is finding the connection you will never have with other people." "If you want to have a kid, you'll find a way. If you don't want to have a kid, you're always going to be coming up with excuses not to have one (expenses, time, etc.)." "Expenses is not the issue, it's the commitment." "Better make one before you get old, so that your children will grow up without the big age gap [between you]."

Crisha: Upon finding out that I wasn't too keen on having kids of my own, my tita INSISTED I must have kids just because it was the right thing to do.

Ella: Being told that I will regret my decision when I reach my non-child bearing years.

Grace: I’ve gotten used to people telling me that I will change my mind in the future. There’s also the usual "Sayang ang genes, pwedeng pag-artistahin" because I am married to a foreigner. They can be annoying but they’re easy to ignore. Although I hope our society can finally be in a place where this is a non-issue. One thing that made me angry and sad at the same time was when someone condescendingly told me that I will never know real love because I don’t have children. That one hurt a lot. I realize that a child’s love is special and different and I would never suggest otherwise, but it doesn’t mean that what my husband and I share is not real love.

Jacinda: I’d end up being alone, no man would want to be with me, or just the general "sayang."

Jenny: From two different people:

"Ay bakit? Sayang naman!" As if my main role in life was to procreate.

"Hindi complete ang buhay mo. Bakit ka pa mag-aasawa? Hindi totoong family ‘yan." From someone who considers himself a modern thinker. I know he means well though.

Jillian: A pseudo-celebrity once told me, "Naku, bakla siguro asawa mo. Iiwanan ka niyan." I laughed it off to be professional, but in my head, he is..."the pus that infects the mucous...that cruds up the fungus...that feeds on the pond scum." THE NERVE. It was none of his business. Other things said to me by strangers, friends, and more pseudo-celebrities: “Maghahanap yan ng iba.” “Ano gagawin niyo pag tanda niyo?” “You are not a complete woman!”

Vanessa: I don’t recall any offensive reaction directed to me, but the most annoying one is "May pera naman kayo bakit ayaw mo mag-anak?" and ultimately, "Who will take care of you when you grow old?" Come on people, having children is not like an investment that you keep and nurture 'til they mature just so you can expect them to take care of you.

My parents always remind me that they work hard, despite the fact that I have already graduated from college and am able to fend for myself, to ensure that they can cover for themselves as much as they can. This is something that I will always be grateful for because not all those who decide to have children have the same mindset. 

Ysabel: Thankfully, the worst I’ve encountered was confusion. They just didn’t get why I didn’t want to have kids. At a certain point though, I’d just use money and travel as a cop out excuse when I’m not in the mood to explain. Though I’ve encountered someone once, who directed the insult at someone else, implying that this certain couple is shallow for wanting to spend their money on partying and whatnot rather than kids. I was pretty angered by it, especially since overpopulation is a real problem and really, being a parent doesn’t make you better than anyone. It just puts you in a different situation.

Why do you think Philippine society is so quick to judge women who proactively choose not to have children?

Charlene: It is part of Filipino culture to have big families. Filipinos are used to having a lot of relatives around for company, through good and bad times. Filipinos are also mostly Roman Catholic, a religion that believes in "go forth and multiply" regardless of your financial and health capacity because having children is God’s gift. We went to a marriage seminar at a ministry as it was a requirement before getting married in the Church; the lectors were vehemently against birth control and family planning because this is against God’s will to "go forth and multiply." Catholic Filipinos believe if a woman decides to put her financial and health well-being first before having children, she is rejecting God’s gift. They only see women as baby makers and homemakers first, only sometimes as a human being with other needs besides reproduction.

Grace: I think the main reason is because our culture is so centered on family that it’s hard to wrap our minds around the idea of couples who choose not to build a family. We are so sociable that the thought of someone who does not actively want to surround themselves with even more family is strange. It’s kind of crazy because if you have kids, no one will question your decision. But the moment you say that you don’t have kids, people automatically think that there is something wrong. They ask "Why?" or "How come?" and seem to think that it warrants an explanation. I also think that our society puts mothers up on a high pedestal, which is not bad, but it also means putting unrealistic expectations on women who think that motherhood is the only thing that makes women important. Our worth as women is not supposed to be tied to our uterus.

Jacinda: The Philippines is so deeply misogynistic that I believe it stems from the majority not having access to resources that would at the very least open up their minds. Or if they do have the resources, they shut these ideas out because it goes against the culture. The Philippine media reinforces this mentality. Women here are portrayed as attachments to men, never as a single unit that can stand alone. We (women) are brought up to believe in creating a false sense of independence and identity but, in truth, what society expects of us is to fulfill roles that were chosen for us: to become a wife and mother.

Jenny: In the same way Filipinos generally judge people for being atheists, or wanting to live with significant others before marriage, or being with people of the same sex, or identifying as the gender you weren’t assigned to at birth—we tend to be averse to what we don’t consider the norm. We’re a very community-oriented society that does not celebrate individualism in the same way other societies do, but find strength in numbers. And when someone deviates from certain norms, there is a sense of superiority over the minorities, at least from how I interpret things.

Another theory is that they tie motherhood to a sense of accomplishment and meaning that they cannot wrap their heads around people who draw accomplishment and meaning from things other than motherhood. They impose their own beliefs on others, which I think is unnecessary, and borderline offensive. I do not believe they aim to offend though.

Jillian: It's a matter of exposing yourself to more possibilities and realities. We've seen (and rewarded) the typical get-married-have-kids path so much that it's what we have convinced ourselves to WANT. And so people cannot comprehend why others would rather not be moms. Judging comes from not understanding—how can we embrace something we do not understand? This is why I want to publish a piece like this on Cosmo.ph—to open up readers' minds, and show them that it's okay to be any woman you want to be. 

UP NEXT: Did you ever doubt your decision to be child-free 

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Did you ever doubt your decision to be child-free?

Grace: Yes and I still do sometimes. When we hear countless stories from our friends about the joys of having kids, sometimes we start to wonder if we made the wrong decision. It’s that FOMO kind of vibe. But the doubt doesn’t last very long. Sometimes we joke with each other that maybe a kid would be beneficial to us in certain situations. Like a few weeks ago, we went to watch Disney on Ice and we were practically the only ones there who had no kids! It was pretty funny.  Sometimes there are doubts when we think about our future and how we’d end up growing old alone. But we don’t think that having kids just for the sole purpose of creating a caregiver is a good thing.

Jacinda: Yes, when women swear becoming a mother is "The best thing in the world." I can’t help but feel that I may be missing out on that kind of happiness—that my life is not as complete and fulfilled as theirs.

Jenny: Yes. I’m an open-minded person, and that includes constantly questioning whether I want kids or not. I wouldn’t be too crushed if by age 40, my mind changes and I’d suddenly want kids.

Ysabel: Sometimes I do when I imagine myself in my 70s. I imagine it would be nice to have conversations with my kid when they’re older and have their own lives. I just can’t really imagine myself raising one though. I always joke that I’ll just adopt a 17 year old when I’m 60.

What’s the biggest misconception about women who don’t want kids?

Ella: That they're selfish and vain.

Charlene: We are rejecting God’s gift. We are not committed. We are selfish. 

Crisha: That they're self-centered.

Grace: Oh wow. There are tons! The first one that’s also kind of funny is that people think that since we don’t want kids of our own, it means we hate kids in general! That, of course, is not true. We like kids. We love our nieces and nephews. We babysit and take them out to movies and concerts. We love being the cool aunt and uncle! So I hope people stop thinking that we want a childless world. Another big misconception is that people think that we are unfulfilled and that deep, deep, DEEP down, we are really unhappy. Also, that we are too selfish to let go of our child-free lifestyle and that we do not like taking care of others. I don’t see what’s selfish about being responsible  knowing what you want.

Jacinda: They’re selfish, unloving, and cold-hearted people.

Jenny: That they are selfish, and that it’s wrong to be that selfish.

Jillian: That they judge parents and hate kids. I LOVE kids and I am completely in awe of how mothers and fathers manage to do every single thing they do. 

Vanessa: That we’re cold-hearted and selfish. 

Ysabel: That it’s because we want to focus on our careers and that we don’t want to spend our money on kids. First of all, I know tons of succesful career women who are awesome moms the same way I know a lot of horrible and judgmental mothers who are homemakers. I trust that I can be a good mother if I end up having a kid (even by accident, which is the only way I see myself being a mom) but I just don’t want that life. That’s it. It just really doesn’t appeal to me. I’m not choosing my career over it, I’m just being myself.

UP NEXT: What happens when you get older and you don't have kids?   

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Here's the stereotypical question everyone always asks: "What happens when you get older and you don’t have kids?"

Charlene: My husband and I will become old, frail, and get Alzheimer’s, but still happy in each other’s company. We’ll still have all the time in the world to ourselves. We’d probably enjoy seeing our nephew and nieces win at life and we’d be their cheering squad. If we need to have someone to look after us, we’d probably hire a caregiver because we’d never want to bother the lives of our younger relatives just to take care of us. If we have any inheritance to give, it’ll most likely go to the caregiver, our nephew and nieces, and to charity.

Crisha: Then I spend more time with my siblings and their respective families. Again there is always the scary thought that you have no children/grandchildren who will make sure you are taken care of when you're old and cannot support yourself.

Ella: I would tell them that there is no guarantee that your kids will take care of you when you grow older.

Grace: We don’t really know the answer to that one. My husband and I will probably grow old together, travel the world until we can’t walk anymore, and retire near the beach or at a fancy retirement home with other people our age. We don’t have any specific plans, but what we do know is that we will not have kids just so we can have someone taking care of us when we’re old and grey.

Jacinda: I get older just like everyone else but without kids.

Jenny: I think the underlying question here is—what happens when you get older and don’t have younger, stronger people to care for you when/if your future spouse goes before you, and you have no one around you? Will you be lonely?

I don’t view my potential offspring as an extension of myself, nor is that person in any way obligated to care for me when I get older. Love and care can come from many different sources and not just offspring, and I live my life today surrounding myself with the kind of support and love borne out of conscious mutual choices, and not just by design.

Jillian: Beauty queen answer: When I'm old, I want to look back and take pride in all the things I was able to do for myself and the people I love. I will be grey with lots of laugh lines from enjoying the company of my family and friends, knowing I made a choice that made me happy.

The no-B.S.-answer: Like everyone else, I'll also get sick and die, but I'll hopefully have lots of money for my health care because my husband and I didn't have to spend it on raising kids.

Vanessa: The voice inside me will say: none of your business. The voice I will express will say: be happy. I will choose to be happy. Isn’t everything in this life a series of choices, anyway?

Ysabel: My boyfriend and I will just be good to our nephews and nieces and be their favorites along with our cats and dogs. LOL. But honestly, I do worry about that, too. I think an upside to having kids is you build something with your partner that outlives the both of you. But then I think that’s also why we work extra hard on our friendships and relationships with our family members.

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Follow Jillian on Instagram.

This story originally appeared on Cosmo.ph.

* Minor edits have been made by the Smartparenting.com.ph editors.