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How Much Can You Tell A Friend Of The Opposite Sex About Problems With Your Partner?
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  • Kung kasal ka, may ka-live in, or may boyfriend or girlfriend, puwede ka nga ba mag-confide sa isang kaibigan of the opposite sex "as a friend"? Sa tingin ko, madaming considerations at depende sa level ng friendship ninyo.

    Your friendship is based on trust and respect

    Kung wala sa inyong dalawa ang "magmamalisya," I think it's possible to confide your problems. Yung tipong ang turingan n'yo ay tropa at parang magkapatid. Yung kaibigan mo na pagsasabihan ay may respeto sa current partner mo.

    Marami akong male at female friends na close sa akin. I confide in them because I trust they will keep what I tell them to themselves.

    In fact, when I was in some relationships (I am a single mom now), I sought the opinions of my male friends to understand my partners better. At ginagawa ko din naman ito sa female friends ko na married din para makapag-compare notes.

    One of my male friends, Ronnie (not his real name) said, "I don't choose the gender ng kakausapin kong kaibigan. But I choose the level of friendship namin."

    He added, "Kasi I don't confide to a female friend not just para maintindihan ko ang partner ko. Sometimes, I talk to a friend para lang may makausap. May malabasan ng nasa dibdib."

    Aminin natin, kung minsan ay umaabot sa point na hindi na natin makausap ang partner natin para hindi mauwi sa mas matinding away pa. Pero ang ending, lalong lumalaki ang problema.

    You and your friend know your boundaries

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    Ang importante alam mo kung hanggang saan lang kayo ng kaibigan mo. Kung magko-confide ka man sa opposite sex, siguraduhin ninyong dalawa na may boundaries na dapat irespeto.

    Ma. Paz Manaligod, Ph.D., a registered psychologist, told me that knowing the boundaries is essential.

    "It is okay to confide to a friend of the opposite sex if your problem needs his or her perspective and validation. But 'yun nga, bear in mind the boundaries."

    Make sure you are NOT confiding your problems to an ex

    This is when it becomes a little dangerous. Kung ang kaibigan mo ay ex mo din, I would advise na huwag na ituloy ang binabalak mo na pag-share ng problems mo sa kasalukuyang relationship mo.

    Kahit hindi intentional, may risk na ma-rekindle ang romantic feelings lalo na kung vulnerable ang isa. Dr. Manaligod agreed, but she added studies have shown that exes can become friends if they have overcome what happened in the past.

    "Lalo na if they started as best friends. After all, true friendship lasts after the romance has died."

    Pero sa kaso ko, parang di ko pa maisip na magiging posible na maging magkaibigan kami ulit ng ex-husband ko kahit na matagal na kaming hiwalay. Best friend ko siya ng limang taon bago kami naging kami at ikinasal. After 22 years of marriage, we separated five years ago (read more here).

    If you just need someone to listen, I am sure you have many friends who can do that for you. It is a minefield to navigate when your ex gives you that sympathy that you want at the moment. According to Dr. Manaligod, "Baka kasi paawa lang."

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    At dito maaaring magsimula ang relationship na more than friendship. Yung tipong "as a friend" pero baka magpunta kayo sa Baguio!

    The best approach when you have relationship problems 

    Suppose you are currently in a relationship at may mga problema kayo ng spouse o partner mo. In that case, it is better if you can openly communicate your problems in your relationship with your partner.

    Puwede rin na kumuha kayo ng mediator katulad ng ninong/ninang sa kasal, church leader or isang kaibigan na pareho nyo nirerespeto na makikinig at tutulong na magkasundo kayo.

    Professional counseling is advisable if you're in a marriage or kids are involved, especially if the issues are significant and recurring.

    Siyempre, ang the best approach in solving one's problems sa relationship — ang kausapin nang diretso ang karelasyon. Bakit nga ba hindi na lang ang current partner mo ang yayain mo sa Baguio "as a friend" to discuss your problems and try to solve them?

    After all, sabi nga ni Friedrich Nietzsche, "It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."

    Nancy Galang, M.A., who also wrote why she relates much to LJ Reyesis a single mom to four children, Nicolette, Nastassia, Nadja, and Rocky. She was a college teacher for more than 20 years at Miriam College and worked as an executive producer for ABS-CBN, TV5, and Solar TV. Currently, she is a communication and marketing consultant for one of the local government units in the country. She blogs and vlogs at nancydavidgalang.blogspot.com.

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