‘I Have A Narcissistic Parent, I Cared For Her But I Hate Her’

Ang kwentong ito ay hango sa isang tunay na #SPConfessions na ipinadala sa amin sa Smart Parenting Village. Ang ilang mga detalye ay bahagya naming binago upang bigyang proteksyon ang nagpadala nito.

How hard is it to raise your own parent?

One parent asked this on the Smart Parenting Village. She recounts her story saying, “In the past ten years, my relationship with my mother has been challenging. I perceive her behavior as narcissistic, often speaking negatively about me to others. Also, she constantly speaks ill of other people saying negative things about them even if wala naman silang ginagawa sa kanya. Basta kapag hindi niya trip iyung tao, may nasasabi na siya. She always focuses on herself, like she always thinks everything is about her. Mataas tingin niya sa sarili niya and often looks down sa mga taong akala niyang walang kaya.”

The anonymous poster also details how she has helped her mom and how treats her in return, saying, “I try my best to be a good anak to her, not perfect but I try my best to help at home, give my share sa gastos as much as I can. When she doesn’t get her way, she reacts with anger, projecting negative feelings and energy. She tends to disregard my feelings and remain unaware of the emotional toll she has taken on me. Her toxic behavior contributes to my depression, making her one of my triggers. With the help of therapy and psychiatric help, I had realizations that she’s one of the causes of my trauma because of how she also treated me when I was growing up (like pagpapahiya sa akin sa harap ng ibang tao, comparing me to others saying that they’re better than me, emotional abuse, calling me tanga in front of others, etc.).”

“An incident during a house construction exemplifies our strained relationship. I supported the project, coordinated with contractors, sacrificing my free time to source for materials even in challenging weather conditions and kahit na kakatapos lang ng work ko (I did this all for free, no fees at tulong ko lang ito sa kanya para hindi siya mahirapan.) However, when I prioritized spending time with my family for a day (I tell you, just for day), she criticized me and said that ‘lagi kaming lumalabas at namamasyal eh may mga kailangan pa ako asikasuhin sa renovation’ without acknowledging my previous contributions (this was also a holiday).”

Despite this treatment, the anonymous poster still took care of her mom when the latter was hospitalized, “Recently, she was hospitalized with multiple illnesses causing her body and health to weaken. Despite serving as her primary caregiver during a month of hospitalization, I harbor resentment due to missed opportunities (both in career and life) and lack of recognition from her for our efforts. I grapple with conflicting emotions, questioning if her current health struggles are a form of karma for her past behavior.”

“Her lack of gratitude is evident, she never says thank you or shows awa to her caregivers (us) and she seems unwilling to accept responsibility for her health. She doesn’t believe na her unhealthy habits were the cause of her illness. Despite her unhealthy lifestyle choices, she questions the necessity of her medical conditions. Her habits, including unhealthy eating and negative interactions with others, reflect a disregard for potential harm to her well-being. The challenge lies in dealing with her resistance to acknowledging the consequences of her own actions on her health. Also disregarding the effects that the whole family will suffer and is suffering because of this.”

“While we continue to attend to her medical needs, my anger and hate for her persist because na rin of how she treated me poorly before her health deteriorated, and up until now. And now, she’s giving this negative attitude in life and towards us. I’m wondering if my feelings are valid.”

“I want to be a better person, but her actions consistently trigger negative emotions, making it challenging for me to overcome the resentment I feel towards her.”

What is a narcissistic parent?

According to Choosing Therapy, narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. But this ultra-confidence is just for show and underneath lies a fragile self-esteem that’s sensitive to the slightest criticism.

Here are possible signs of a narcissistic parent:

• They need to be the center of attention. Unlike other parents who celebrate their children’s achievements, narcissistic parents exploit these successes for their own gain; they get an ego boost when their children succeed.
• They are immature and selfish. Narcissistic parents do not take responsibility for their actions. They want to fulfill and inflate their egos instead of focusing on their children or family.
• They blame others for their own behaviors. Narcissistic parents do not take accountability for their own actions and are often unaware how their behavior affects others. They tend to pass the blame as well instead of dealing with conflicts, sometimes even letting their children take the fall.
• They show little concern for others’ needs and feelings. Narcissistic parents tend to seek self-fulfillment and can be dismissive of their children’s needs and emotions.
• They play favorites. Narcissistic parents use favoritism to maintain emotional power and control over their children. The child who agrees with them will continue to be favored, while the others may be neglected or abandoned.
• Narcissistic parents may use their children for personal gain, or to get sympathy or attention.
• Narcissistic parents may be manipulative and exploitative. They may manipulate their kids to fulfill their selfish desires. They may also use narcissistic manipulation tactics such as blaming, guilt-tripping, or setting unreasonable expectations to maintain control over their children.
• Narcissistic parents’ love may be conditional. They can use love as another exploitation tool, withholding affection from their child if the latter goes against them.
• Narcissistic parents constantly criticize their children. They may insult their children to feel better about themselves and maintain authority.
• They can be neglectful and absent especially when needed. Narcissistic parents expect their children to be there for them when needed, but may be missing and unable to provide support to their kids in return.
• Narcissistic parents tend to limit their time together with their kids.
• Narcissistic parents can be overly emotional but would not want others to be emotional.
• Narcissistic parents can be annoyed when asked for attention.
• Narcissistic parents are codependent–they depend on their children and family members to maintain their ego and self-importance.
• Narcissistic parents can publicly embarrass their kids. They do this to maintain their control over their children.
• They may be extremely jealous and possessive of their children and family. This includes getting angry if their child moves out or starts a new relationship.
• They expect their children to take care of them. Narcissistic parents expect their kids to set aside all their responsibilities to be there for them because they “gave their children everything.”

How to deal with a narcissistic parent

If you think you your parent is one, here are a few tips on how to handle the situation:

Recognize the situation. You can never win with a narcissist so it’s pointless to point out their downfalls to them. So the first step is to realize that this is not normal behavior.

Accept and let go. Changing a narcissistic parent is impossible unless he/she wants to change on their own. So it’s better to accept him/her as she is to reduce one’s anxiety.

Work on your own self-esteem and resist any gaslighting attempts. It is normal for narcissistic people to make other people feel crazy or delusional. It’s better to resist such phrases and work on your own confidence to survive.

Be compassionate. Though hard to believe, narcissistic parents do still care for their children. And while it is challenging, viewing the situation with empathy might give you a better perspective.

Forgive yourself. Recovering from a childhood with a narcissistic parent is hard, so be patient and learn to forgive yourself. Prioritize your own needs and learn to rely on people who care for you.

Build confidence and self-worth. Insults from a narcissistic parent can affect how you perceive yourself. So it’s best to find activities to develop your skills and abilities to help boost your confidence.

Assert your boundaries. Set your boundaries and resist any attempts from your narcissistic parent to test or cross them. Enforce consequences if necessary and learn to put your foot down.

Walk away. Although maintaining family ties is ideal, cutting off family members is sometimes necessary especially if they bring more harm than good to you and your family.

Edited for spelling, punctuation, grammar, and formatting.

Mayroon ka bang sarili mong #SPConfessions na nais ibahagi sa amin? Ipadala lang kay Sara Palma sa Smart Parenting Village o hindi kaya ay i-email sa amin sa smartparentingsubmissions@gmail.com.