Dad is the New Mom: Conversations with Stay-at-home Dads

Before reading this, most of you would imagine a man in an apron, or are envisioning a pregnant Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 1994 comedy “Junior”.  Wipe that image out of your head now, as these men will change that notion.

Shawn Culver* looks like your A-typical expatriate enjoying the inordinately tropical weather in the country. A tall and handsome American gentleman hailing from Norfolk, Virginia, Shawn frequently gets asked by people if he plays in the PBA or is a model, owing to his stunning resemblance to Holywood actor Terrence Howard, until they see him pull in his handy MacLaren stroller carrying eight-month old Carter*, with four year old Taylor* in tow.

You see, Shawn, 33, lives right next door to me, and yes, features deceive, he is a proud stay-at-home Dad. His wife Norah* is a successful banking executive assigned here three years ago. Back home, Shawn, after an eight-year stint with the Army, settled for a supervisory position at a machinery company, but the move to Manila was “a family upgrade,” in his words. A higher pay grade for Norah plus housing and schooling bonuses, coupled with a lower cost of living, awaited the Culvers, but Shawn had to leave his job. They knew from other expats about the joy of having a full time babysitter and household help, but that wasn’t ideal for this family. In a whole different world, somebody had to be there to guide the children through. The family has hired two helpers, but neither of them nannies. Shawn says “They just stay with the kids when the wife and I are out for drinks, or watching a movie.” Not your average, orthodox couple they are.

As we sat in my front yard cracking open a couple of cold ones, I sought answers to a mystery, but what I found was far less complex than I had originally thought. Before proceeding with “the talk”, I requested permission to publish – which he granted - then hit the most stereotyped question of all: “Does it affect your ego at all?” Shawn caught a breath then started to laugh. “Of course it does man, of course. But I don’t let it affect me! You see, my ego and I are two different things. I used to get teased a lot through Skype by former Army buddies and co-workers - heck, even by my sisters! I know there are roles in this world, but I chose mine and I’m man enough to live with it, and if that isn’t at all manly to you, to stick up for what you believe in, then I don’t know what is.” Wise words from a former Non-Commissioned Officer who used to endlessly bark orders. “Who’s the boss now?” he playfully chides.

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Another stay-at-home dad I befriended at the gym requested that his name be changed in this article, not for security reasons, but because he deemed it “nakakahiya” (shameful). In other cultures it may not be as bad, but Joel, 35, a former businessman says “blame it on the macho sentiment of the Filipino man. There are many jokes about being `ander de saya’ but in reality sometimes I seem like the big joke especially with my family”.  Joel used to buy and sell automobiles until the economy took a downtrend.  His wife, Angela works in upper management makes enough for him and his three kids to stay afloat.  “Mahirap (it’s hard) but I had to adjust, I’m just being practical.  I’m not selling anymore, so we decided not to have any helpers at home to defray costs, plus, I’m a good cook” he chides.

Joel’s kids are seven, eight and twelve years old and they help out with the chores and have scheduled responsibilities. When asked if he gets an allowance, he replies, “Siyempre! Paano ako mag-gi-gym?” (Of course?  How can I go to the gym?)  He says though that sometimes, if he sees an opportunity to do small business, he goes for it, as long as it doesn’t take time off his main duty of “safeguarding my family”, and that’s not euphemism.  

As for Shawn, he was responsible for picking a preschool for Taylor. “I use my military mind to handle the house without the harshness and it’s all organized like that. I’ve printed schedules for the kids and the help, routes for the company driver, and even installed a tracker (GPS) in our car for security. I noticed how car seats aren’t too big here, but I took the liberty of buying a pair at a mall. We focus on proper routines - bed time, playtime - I’m big on punctuality” he asserts.

Norah leaves the house in the morning, as Shawn starts his day. “I cook a bit, but we’ve come to love local food, the kids have all sorts of Pinoy food. As soon as the helper makes the morning meals - typically pancakes, bacon, eggs and sometimes boiled Tocino and rice - Shawn prepares the appropriate portions for Taylor, but mashes vegetables and toasts finger food for Carter who has strangely developed a taste for white vinegar. “Carter was born in Manila! He was made in Manila!” he guffaws.

Shawn then takes Taylor to a nearby preschool, while the help watches over Carter. He spends the next two hours with Carter, and as soon as he naps, Shawn takes some time with his PS3, goes online, or catches something on TV. He picks up Taylor, helps him shower and closes the curtains for a nap. Sometimes, they both nap. On some afternoons, he takes the kids to the mall, or for walks at nearby Fort Bonifacio. He takes Taylor to soccer practice, but is delighted to find that there is a Little League affiliate in the country, ILLAM, as he was a high school varsity baseball player before he enlisted, and played a lot in the Army. He will enroll Taylor in the program next year, and hopefully get to coach. He currently plays in a local league on Friday nights, when he leaves the kids to the help and wife Norah makes it a point to come home a little earlier to bond with the children. “Yes, I do have time for myself! I go out with you guys, right?” But keeping his schedule is of essence, as that, he says “holds everything together”. He also takes an hour and a half thrice a week to weight train, and makes it a point to have a date night twice a month.  

Joel, in his brand new kicks lovingly bought for him by Angela, may not look a bit like Superman, but he is the modern day icon of gender equality and family life. For the many Shawns and Joels in the world (and more in emergence), imbuing the masculine into full time parenting, creating a distinctly different, yet sublimely effective style may be difficult to achieve, but is definitely worth doing.

*identities have been changed for security purposes as requested

Photo by overdrive_cz from flickr creative commons