Exploring Infidelity: Why Couples Cheat

When couples first get into a relationship, the whole thing would usually feel like a match made in heaven—something like the Carpenters’ song wherein birds suddenly appear, stars fall down from the sky, and all that other jazz. However, when the passion of the relationship finally fades away, the infatuation also often peters out along with it.  

Unfortunately, when the infatuation period is over, some people begin seeking emotional fulfillment or sexual gratification from people other than their partners. As a matter of fact, according to psychiatrist and life coach Randy Dellosa, infidelity is one of the three most common relationship problems that couples experience, the other two being constant quarrelling and lack of intimacy.

So what is the reason why people in committed relationships cheat? And is “happily ever after” really too much to ask for?

Causes of infidelity
The first easy answer to the question of infidelity is lust. After all, people are sexual beings who are biologically wired to reproduce in order to ensure the survival of the species. “This I always repeat: if not for religious beliefs and laws, people are basically still like animals,” says Randy. “We have a polygamous nature because biologically, we need to reproduce and procreate for our species. It is just our laws and our capacity to decide that prevents us from doing things on the streets.”

But of course, more than the genetic underpinnings, infidelity also has its roots in a number of emotional, psychological, and even cultural reasons. For instance, infidelity could stem from already existing problems being experienced by a couple. Randy says that although cheating, constant quarrelling, and lack of intimacy are problems that can sometimes exist independently, they are often interrelated. These problems often come to a head because couples choose to sweep them under the rug instead of addressing them. As a result, they fester and become breeding grounds for related conflicts to arise.

“Infidelity could be a substitute for getting one’s sexual and emotional needs met when the partner is unwilling or deficient. A cheating man, for example, would cheat on his spouse because he saw in his mistress some qualities that the wife does not have,” he says. “Sometimes, the partner would even wonder ‘why did he choose her?’ or ‘why did he have an affair with someone from a lower social status?’ However, it’s not that simple. As long as that other person is able to meet the cheating partner’s unmet needs, that person can become a substitute,” he explains.

On the other hand, according to clinical psychologist Ma. Blesila de Guzman-de Asis, infidelity may also have other psychological and cultural basis. “There is an existing double standard which gives men more sexual freedom and greater power in relationships.  In its original form, the standard dictated that women should not have sex before or outside of marriage, whereas men could,” she explains.  

“Many men have also been exposed to a cultural conditioning that encourages them to separate sex from intimacy, whereas among women, sexual expression usually symbolizes connection with a partner and communicates intimacy,” Blesila says.  

“Another reason is that some men grew up with parents who have had extramarital affairs in the past, which gives an unspoken permission for these men to do the same,” she adds. Randy is of the same mind, although he believes that the pattern is applicable to both men and women. He explains that people who grow up with parents who are unfaithful to each other sometimes become so acclimatized to the problem that it becomes normal to them.

“If they grow up with a father or a mother who fooled around, then that sort of pattern becomes so normalized in them such that they imitate their parents’ behaviors when they grow up. They begin to think that it is how relationships should be,” he says.

Relativity of infidelity
Some behaviors are universally considered as acts of infidelity. For instance, if someone who is already spoken for engages in a sexual relationship with another person or kisses that other person intimately, then the former is almost always seen as cheating on his or her partner. But is it really that easy?

Most of the time, Randy says, a behavior is considered infidelity only if mutually agreed-upon covenants between partners are violated. “It really depends on the definition of the partners. For instance, some couples who are in committed relationships agree to swing or to partner swap—they engage in sexual activities with other couples. So, one can say that if that’s the agreement, then it’s not infidelity. Of course other people might see it differently and say that those couples are actually committing mutual infidelity,” he says.

But let us talk in terms of what everyday, run-of-the-mill people would consider as cheating. What if a person engages in activities that are not always easily discernible as acts of infidelity? For example, is flirting, dirty dancing, or confiding your feelings about your partner to another person cheating?

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Concurring with Randy, Blesila says that issues like exclusivity or infidelity become relative depending on where the person is coming from - that person’s background and what that person learned from his or her culture. “If the person believes in exclusivity in a relationship, then behaviors such as flirting and dirty dancing might be considered as cheating. Furthermore, emotional infidelity would include confiding your feelings and concerns about your partner to another person,” she says.

But Blesila further notes that due to societal changes, there is today an emergence of expressive sexuality. It emphasizes the idea that the sexuality of both men and women are part of being human and are important for enhancing human intimacy. Thus all forms of sexual activities between consenting adults are considered acceptable by some people. “Given this premise, such behaviors as mentioned above would not constitute infidelity. Instead, they are seen as merely expressions of what the person feels,” she says.

For HR specialist Tricia Fernandez, although behaviors like flirting are but a normal part of human relationships, everything still boils down to where the people involved decide to take their feelings. “I don't consider flirting to be cheating. Everyone flirts. Essentially it's just flattery, and who doesn't like to be flattered? It's human to want to feel attractive, to feel like you still have some market value. It's also human to find other people attractive and to feel something for other people. Wanting a relationship where there is no one else but just the two of you is too idealistic. You might as well be stranded on a desert island, or better yet, a teleserye,” she explains.

“The line between flirting and cheating is pretty obvious. Once it looks like it's actually leading somewhere and you take that step, or if you do something about those ‘feelings,’ then that is cheating. Once you think you are cheating, then you've probably gone too far, or you’re about to,” she adds.

But is there a way to prevent unfaithfulness before it happens? Randy says there is.

“Infidelity is best prevented by sticking to a vow of faithfulness and by a commitment to flee from temptation. This vow and commitment should be made once the relationship is formalized. Partners have to realize and constantly remember that a formal relationship curtails one’s freedom to fool around and to play around,” he says.

Dealing with infidelity
One might want to ask, “is my partner cheating on me?” Most people who have experienced the problem will say that to be able to detect infidelity, one should be aware of changes in their partners’ behavioral patterns. Possible red flags would include hiding the cell phone, going home late, and other things that are out of the ordinary.

But what happens next if you catch your partner cheating on you? Do you wallow in self pity or do you dust yourself off and continue living? Of course there are those people who would be fine on their own or would be able to deal with the problem by getting emotional support from their friends and family. However, if a person slips into prolonged depression or starts engaging in self-destructive behavior, then that person needs to get some professional help.

Most Filipinos tend to have qualms about seeking counsel from therapists, but Blesila says they are just there to help people understand what has happened to them and to make them fully aware of the situation. “Most clients who have experienced infidelity tend to question themselves and their capability to make a relationship work. By helping them to make sense of what has happened, we hope to somehow empower them so that they can move forward,” she says.

Of course, the aggrieved partners almost always bear the greater brunt of infidelity. Randy believes that the best thing to do for those who were cheated upon is to move on.

“There’s never any assurance or certainty that the spouse will really be faithful. It’s better to just focus on finding yourself with or without your partner. This way, your happiness will not be dependent on that person, and you’ll be able to move on,” he says.

You may get in touch with Randy Dellosa through the Life Change Recovery Center (randydellosa.com) and Blesila de Asis through the MLAC Institute for Children and Families (mlacinstitute.wordpress.com).

Screenshots courtesy of Star Cinema