Have Baby, Will Date

One of the tasks a parent is charged with is bringing up a child well by teaching it important life lessons, and seldom is it the other way around. But this is exactly the story of Ros Fajardo's life.

“During my early 20’s, I was a rolling stone that gathered no moss,” pretty and petite Ros shares. “After my mother lost her battle with cancer, I landed my first job in an embassy. Earning a degree in International Studies, I was fairly disillusioned to discover that the work of a local staff was not glamorous at all. It was during this period that my father met a major car accident. Partly on a whim and partly to escape my sad reality, I flew to New York City to try to snag a job in the United Nations. Although this plan did not materialize, I eventually got hired as a technical writer in a law firm. Put a single girl in her 20’s in the Big Apple and what do you get? A working girl during the day and a party fiend at night! I would start drinking with friends at 8 p.m. and then go clubbing until 2 or 3 in the morning. I would only go home to shower and change my clothes, get on the subway and then doze off. I can’t count the times I missed my stop because of oversleeping.

From time to time, my friends and I would drive to Foxwoods or Atlantic City. One time, I had gotten so drunk that I blew my week’s pay on baccarat and the slot machines. After my stint at the law firm, I came home to a family whose members had gone their separate ways. All my sisters were busy with their families, and I began to struggle with pangs of loneliness and isolation. You can say that partying became my form of escapism.”

It was at one of these night-outs that the articulate young lady met Russ’ father. “I saw the guy in a club and I, of course, was drinking again. To cut the long, sad story short, we got together, although, had I been given a choice, I would not have picked him. But I decided to stick it out with this guy because of a very low self-esteem!”

Soon afterward, the relationship went on a downward spiral. “Needless to say, the circumstances by which we met did not lay the groundwork for a healthy relationship. He did not know me from a hole in the wall and overall dismissed me as loose, someone he would never take seriously. Occasionally, we would touch on the subject of the future and marriage - which on hindsight was his way of managing me, but the succeeding events made it impossible to conceive spending our life together.”

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Facing pregnancy alone
Then, when she found herself pregnant, the troubles began. “He started missing in action after I told him I was pregnant. I would call his cell phone and he wouldn’t pick up. If I called him at home, his mother would say he was either out or was busy. A pharmaceutical sales representative, he was exposed to a lot of people and eventually started seeing another girl behind my back. So I was left to fend for myself and to explain the deep rut I had gotten myself into to my sisters and dad. I did consider getting rid of the baby, out of sheer desperation, as, being a freelancer, I was financially unstable at this time. However, a voice inside me told me that I would regret that decision forever.”

One frightening event happened when she decided to tell her father. “When I broke the news to my dad, I thought he would upend the dinner table. Although he did not, he did throw me out of the house that night. I then pleaded with my ex for me to spend the night at his house, since I did not have a place to stay. He denied my request, reasoning that they were a full house. Fortunately, our house help let me in through the backdoor. The following day, my dad, whom I believe was in the early stages of senility, gazed at me at the breakfast table like nothing happened.”  

Ros details the emotional pain that she went through. “Every night for nine months I would cry myself to sleep. To say that it is physically and emotionally painful to go through pregnancy alone and to fend for oneself is an understatement. Most of the time I would see my OB-GYN by myself and witness couples sharing the excitement and joy of having a baby, which intensified my feelings of dejection and rejection. From time to time, when his guilt nagged him, my ex would send sample pre-natal vitamins, but I had to undergo tests (e.g., ultrasound) by myself. I was working three jobs at that time until my ninth month. I remember being barely able to walk because my legs were sore from manas, but I had no choice but to keep on going.”

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Falling into place
The times were tough, but Ros was able to count on support to help her through. “My dad, to my amazement, my sisters, and two girl friends, Fudge and Lovina, were my biggest supporters. I also appreciated the way my family at the Ateneo Center for Continuing Education, where I used to work, rallied behind me and even threw me a baby shower. They gifted me with practically all of my baby’s first stuff. Lovina also encouraged me to join a women’s bible study group to encourage downcast-and-spiritually-depleted me. The doyennes of this church were just so kind to me and also donated things for the baby.”

She adds that her son became an instrument for change. “It was through this unplanned pregnancy, however, that everything started to fall into place. Whereas I could not keep a job before, I steeled my resolve to find steady employment and keep it once and for all. After giving birth in December 2003, I applied for a sales job in 2004, got hired, and was issued a car as a tool of trade, which I learned to drive. Because the bosses of this company had given me a chance, I found my place under the sun and discovered that I enjoyed fieldwork more than office-based work. And because I now had a different motivation, my son, from mere surviving it evolved to thriving. The following year, I bested others and snagged three major sales awards.”

Putting her foot down
When asked about the father’s role in child rearing, Ros simply shrugs. “In 2009, the girl he started seeing eight years ago became his wife. They now have a daughter together. Prior to this, however, I already put my foot down and declared that he could live his life any way he pleased, but he must give financial support to his child every month. I presented to him the monthly average of our expenditures and pegged his monthly support from there. Please note that I opted not to give my son his father’s last name, so I had to find a way for my ex not to dodge parental responsibility. Because his wife is the jealous type, his relationship with our son, which used to be a twice-a-year reunion, has been reduced to an ATM connection.”

“When I want Russ to pursue a new endeavor, which would entail money, I ask him to split the cost with me. For example, when I wanted Russ to be exposed to soccer, I required him to pay for the Manila Soccer Academy registration fee. The tuition fee (Russ in now in grade two, and a consistent awardee for Math and Reading at his Kumon Center) is also tackled separately. I barely bother him, though, for Russ’s medical needs if they are covered by my HMO,” she says.  “Recently, he almost reneged on his commitment of financial support. His reason? He could barely make both ends meet. They say karma is a female dog, but I guess this is just him experiencing the natural consequences of his actions. At first, it was a series of gentle reminders sent his way. But when he started ignoring my messages, I began to raise hell and involved his entire immediate family. That’s what motherhood taught me: You can mess with me, but you cannot mess with my child!”  

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“It’s just gonna be you and me”
She says that she is still trying to shield her son from the truth about his father and, instead, tries to find good men to guide him. “From time to time, Russ would wonder about his dad and I would say that his father is a very busy man. Before we go to bed, I ask him how his day was and there are days when I ask him if he wished his dad was with us and he would reply, ‘Nah! It’s OK. It’s just gonna be you and me.’ So I believe me being there would suffice for now. He seems content and happy with just having me around. I also see to it that we go to Sunday service regularly so he could be exposed to good role models and father figures in the persons of our pastors and associate pastors.”

One form of bonding they have is through soccer. “I attend his soccer games and try to teach him to dribble. Being the lampa that I am, I have to sign him up for classes to hone his athletic skills. Since I’m busy most days with my job, I outsource services. I don’t want to end up breaking stuff and then paying more for damages!”

Back in the saddle
Although she jokes that she is again “single and ready to mingle”, Ros says she took her time when it came to dating. “I got back on the saddle when Russ was three years old. God must really love me because the first guy I exclusively dated after a long time was kind-hearted and genuinely loved me and my son. Best of all, he had a flourishing career as a visual artist. That decision to hold off dating until I met a real quality guy lent our small family a sense of stability." Unfortunately, they have gone their separate ways after four years, but they remain friends.

One of the major challenges that single moms face is letting their children meet their date. Ros says that there, too, she bided her time. “I’ve only had one serious boyfriend from 2006 until the present, so I need to be serious about the guy, and vice-versa, before I can formally introduce him to Russ. With my ex, I did it during my birthday celebration in the company of the people who matter to me.”

Unattached, and busy as an Area Customer Marketing Manager in her sixth year with a food manufacturing company, she has since tried the high-tech approach. “Because of my highly toxic schedule, I decided to join an online dating site. I did not want to further diminish the time I spent with my son, so online dating was the logical solution to a career-oriented single mom like me at this stage in my life. I did not have to dress up to the nines and spend hours away from my son.”

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Stigma on single moms
Ros shares her observations about being officially back on the market. “Well, I’m petite and slim, so some people don’t think I’m a mom on first impression. Some say I could still pass for a girl in her 20’s - or so I think!” She laughs. “I still feel some stigma because some men think that just because you’re a single mother you would settle for scraps. I have gotten indecent proposals recently. Likewise, because my faith convicts me to honor God’s commandments by being spiritually pure (read: celibate), that’s another deterrent with men who are my usual preference. On hindsight, I think that’s God’s way of sieving the good from the bad,” she chuckles.

Faith is one thing that keeps her going (and going, and going) “I’m a work in progress when it comes to dating, but here’s what I know: God has three answers to prayers: yes, no, and wait. I’m also mustering the strength not to “assist” God in finding a mate for me. The online dating thing was a disaster waiting to happen. It was unwise for me to register in a non-Christian site. I do get impatient some days and wail, “God, is he ever coming?” and He whispers in my ear, “Before you complain, can you clean up the mess you call your room?” It’s His way of telling me, pave the path first to the land -- the future -- that He promised me. Making yourself ready to receive the blessing is key!”

The single mommy-hood challenge
“My biggest challenge is having to be both the nurturer and the disciplinarian. Clichés aside, you have to be both the mother and the father to your child once your partner decides to relinquish his parental responsibilities. Building your credibility with your child while fulfilling both roles is doable, but is certainly no small feat.” Discipline is one her major concerns, she says. “It breaks my heart to mete out punishments for unacceptable behavior, but I find it highly necessary to instill discipline. I’m clueless about how long I should wait before I give him a hug (so I don’t undermine the objective of the disciplinary action), you know, things like that. Gosh! I won’t be surprised if I get diagnosed with bipolar disorder!” she laughs.

Then she gives her thoughts about the universal working mom problem of juggling family and career. “Even if I want to pursue a lucrative career in big multinational firms, which I know to be highly competitive and to foster a dog-eat-dog culture, I have to opt for work that is less taxing on my time and energy as a parent. I need to conserve my energy so I can still be a good mom/parent to Russ. Striking a balance between career and motherhood is, needless to say, tough. While it’s convenient not to have to consult anyone for child-rearing-related decisions, it makes you second-guess yourself if you made the right decision.”

She says that Russ is her priority over climbing the corporate ladder. “Almost all my free time I devote to doing things with him. In our own parlance, it’s us hanging out. Owing to the new role I was assigned in my previous company two years ago, I had to deal with a learning curve which necessitated me to work during the weekends. Because of the diminishing quality and quantity of time I was spending with my son, I made a decision to look for another job, which I hope won’t take too much of a toll on me.”

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One story she shared some time ago was that her heart skipped a beat when a toddler Russ reached for her eyeliner pencil. She was relieved when he used it to draw on paper, instead of using it as a makeup tool. “Russ becoming a fop or effeminate was one thing that used to worry me before, but thankfully, he’s growing up around male cousins and, as mentioned, I see to it that he’s exposed to good and strong male role models. And – my apologies to advocates of gender deconstruction – I think he’s naturally inclined towards conventional boy interests and activities. Concerning him being a mama’s boy, it’s quite inevitable because he’s also an only child,” she shares. “Little by little I am training him to accept that his mom is her own person and needs to do things for herself. I think this will pan out as soon as I strike that work-life balance by working more smartly. Eventually, I will be able to spend more quality time with him even during regular weekdays.”

She grows thoughtful when asked about how having Russ (who turned 8 last December), has changed her. “Compared with Ros of ten years ago, I am now more self-assured and self-actualized. I don’t need people to validate me and I no longer have this insatiable need to please people. I confront my feelings and not numb them, so drinking has decreased tremendously. As a matter of fact, I developed an allergy to alcohol, which curbed my drinking habits. My priorities are now in this order: God, family, and career. So you can say that I’m no longer privy to the “in” places. Haha! So if I should feel the need to frequent an old haunt, I keep it to myself. Baka masabihan pa akong baduy!” she laughs. “Do I miss my old life? Yes, I do at times, especially the part where I didn't have to be responsible for anyone. But I wouldn't have my life now any other way.”