How Do You Say Goodbye: Explaining Death to our Children

My son loved the movie The Lion King, but whenever he would encounter the scene where Simba’s father Mufasa dies, he would come to me and tell me that he’s sad. Many times he would ask me if Mufasa is indeed dead, and if he would come back again.  

My son’s genuine concern for death and loss as felt through the movie never fails to touch my heart. At 4 years of age, he may not be able to fully grasp the real meaning of death, but he felt empathy for someone’s loss. In his young mind, however, death was temporary, so I felt I still had to explain to him the best way I could what really happens to someone who dies.  

Death is perhaps one of the most difficult concepts to explain to our children, but as it is an inevitable reality of life, I knew I needed to talk to mine about it. It is something we will all have to deal with someday, so it would do us good to prepare our kids for life by teaching them early on how to deal with such situations.

A child's concept of death varies with age, and this must be taken into consideration. For instance, children from 0 to 2 years of age definitely have no clear understanding yet of death, while children from 2 to 6 years of age would believe that death is something temporary or reversible. Kids about 5 or 6 years old have literal views of the world they live in, so it’s best to explain death in basic and concrete terms.

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They say that nothing in this world lasts forever. A sudden loss of a loved one is very traumatic to children, especially if that person plays a significant role in their lives. But, rather than focusing too much on the loss, here are some ways through which we can best explain death to our children and help them cope with the passing away of a loved one:

1. Discuss death, using words, visuals or concepts our children are familiar with.  
We can be creative in the way we explain the concept to them by using situations, objects or words which they can easily comprehend and will best suit their age.  

One way to do this is to read to them children’s story books dealing with death such as Goodbye Mousie by Robie H. Harris, which tells the story of a boy who discovers that his pet mouse had died. At first he wouldn’t believe it but saying goodbye later on helped the boy to accept the loss of his beloved pet. Another way to do this is by watching a movie together about moving on from a loss such as Disney Pixar’s Up, where an elderly widow decides to fulfill the lifelong dream he shared with his late wife and befriended a young boy in the process.

2. Explain to them that grieving is not a bad thing.  
The feeling of sadness or to mourn a loss should be understood by our children as a normal process which even we, adults, go through. It is okay for our children to witness our grief, but be sure to explain to them why  

There was a time when my son found me crying after my grandmother passed away. Immediately, he came up to me, handed me a tissue, and gave me a hug. Somehow, that situation showed me how caring and sensitive my son is.

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3. Talk to your kids about their pain.
Encourage your children to open up, especially if they are old enough to express themselves. Ask them how they feel. Make them understand that we are ready to listen to them and that it’s okay to cry or to feel sad over the loss of a loved one. If they’re having a hard time expressing themselves, get them to draw or write how they feel. Try not to neglect their emotional needs. Avoid giving them reasons to isolate themselves. Our comfort, assurance and empathy will give them enough confidence to express how they feel.

4. Relive happy memories shared.
After giving your children time to understand their grief, talk to them about the good times and memories with the departed loved one. This way, they get to focus more on the happy moments they had together rather than the pain of the loss.  

Browse through photos or watch home videos of special moments shared. This will be key, especially if a child has witnessed a traumatic accident.

5. Create something special for the deceased loved one.
Plan with the children something significant to offer the deceased. This will open opportunities for acceptance and allow them closure. For instance, they can write a thanksgiving letter for grandma for all the wonderful times together, or paint or draw a picture of her, or perhaps, send her a flower by tying it up to a balloon to be released to the skies.

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6. Offer prayers.  
Teach children to pray for loved ones who have passed away, and explain that prayers are the best way to send them loving messages to heaven. Make them understand that praying for them will keep their hearts connected to their loved ones.  

More importantly, prayer will also ease the feeling of loss in time.   

7. Visit the cemetery during special and significant occasions.
Whenever possible, try to visit the grave of the deceased during special occasions other than All-Souls’ Day, such as on his birthday. Offer novena or special mass intentions on site during death anniversaries.  

It is important to tell our children that it is okay to continue loving the person who passed away. Make them understand that even though they won't be able to touch or see the person any more, it is okay to remember them and talk about them occasionally. With proper guidance and support, they will soon come to terms with their pain.

More importantly, we need to constantly assure our children that amidst the loss, they will always have people around them who will continue to love and care for them. The death of a loved one is also a good opportunity to teach our kids to value every precious moment of life they share with the people they love.  

Sources:
Medicine Plus Medical Encyclopedia
Kidshealth.org

Photo from thebiblicalworld.blogspot.com