How to Deal with In-laws who Overstep Boundaries

Whenever my mom and I have disagreements about my life choices, she always says ‘the age gap does not change—you are, and will always be, my child and I will always want what is best for you’.  I guess the best really is what a parent would want their children to have, regardless of how old we become.  Sometimes though, parents can go overboard and overstep their boundaries, especially when their child is all grown up and has a family of his or her own.

What do you do when your in-laws still insist on treating your partner like a child?  How do you deal with them always being worried about their child being stressed or burdened by the day-to-day dealings of family life?  How do you cut the cord between a parent and her child that is being coddled too much?  What do you do when your in-laws get in the way of opportunities for your partner to step up and be his own person because they take care of everything all the time?   

Having predicaments like these opens up a whole lot of problems that can make your relationship with your partner and your in-laws strained and unhealthy.  Not only that, it can hinder how your own family’s dynamics grows and matures.

Here are a few things you can do to deal with this in-law dilemma:

1. Start with your partner
Have a talk with your partner about how that aspect of his or her relationship with his or her parents is affecting you and your family. Steer clear of resentment of blame when you do have your conversation because they will not help you attain your goal. Be as objective as possible and remember that both your partner and your in-laws are accountable for allowing an unhealthy indulgence. Then, as a couple, try to make a plan to make some changes without being hurtful to your in-laws.  

Also, be understanding if change happens more slowly than you would want. Old habits die hard. What matters is that you and your partner are clear about each other’s feelings on the dilemma and you are taking steps towards making things better.  

 

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2. Learn to say ‘no, thank you’ and graciously enforce boundaries
It takes two to tango. You and your partner need to be clear on what must be done to help your in-laws realize that you both are mature adults and can take care of yourselves and your family. Find the strength to say ‘no, thank you’ when they try to take on more than they should. Graciously and politely show them through your actions that there are boundaries that they must abide by. In the beginning they may be hurt by the refusal, but eventually they will realize that it was all for the best.

Help them to realize that your partner is his or her own person by making sure the boundaries and limitations you have set are enforced. Try to think ahead to anticipate any occasion or event that your in-laws may want to step in for your partner so that you can adjust accordingly and prevent this from happening. After a while, they will get the idea - just be patient.

3. Have the talk
If there is need to really sit down and discuss the dilemma, be very gracious and objective in speaking with your in-laws. Make sure they know that you are appreciative of all that they do and acknowledge the help that they have given you and your family. Gently broach the idea that taking care of too much of your family responsibilities as a couple may not be the best way to help because it prevents both you and their child from being the parents and responsible people that you should be. Reassure them that if there may be a time that you may need their help, you and your partner will not hesitate to ask for it.  

Keep in mind that as parents, all your in-laws want to do is help and do what they think is best for their child and your family. So long as you show them that you have your family’s best intentions in mind, they will hopefully be open to the changes you want as well.

You may want to try and assess which would be most effective—talking to your in-laws as a couple, having your partner talk to his or her parents, or having you discuss the dilemma with your in-laws. Either way, get the message across as clearly and as politely as possible.

Letting go and allowing our children to grow and make their own decisions is a difficult thing to do for any parent.  Being able to realize though that allowing your child to spread their wings and be their own person is something that must be done for their own good.  

You may also want to read about Raising your Kids with your In-laws.

Photo by I.C.U. via flickr creative commons